Oraison funèbre (juin 2017)

Sujet : oraison funèbre ( juin 2017)

Vous vous êtes peut-être déjà fait la réflexion en allant à des obsèques que vous n’aimeriez pas entendre n’importe quels discours à vos propres obsèques, non ? Aussi pour ce dernier sujet, je vous propose d’écrire votre propre oraison funèbre, réelle, imaginaire, farfelue ou les 3. Pour ceux que cela tenterait,  vous pouvez même l’écrire en vers.

Pour nous amuser, je vous propose d’inclure les mots suivants :

  • Caramels mous
  • Jubilatoire
  • Larousse
  • Stabilo
  • Arabesques
  • Clownette (= féminin de clown)
  • Opinel
  • « La valse » de Camille Claudel
  • Bulles de savon
  • Coccinelle
  • Gisèle Sujet d’écriture n° 10 : oraison funèbre.
  • (Il me semble que j’ai accompli l’ultime grand saut : après la traversée du tunnel obscur, attirée par la lumière intense, j’ai débouché dans une atmosphère cotonneuse, emplie de douceur et de réconfort où résonnent des musiques célestes. J’erre maintenant dans le monde, sans forme discernable, empruntant tantôt le chant jubilatoire du merle picorant les cerises mûres, tantôt la brise impalpable soulevant en arabesques les bulles de savon irisées que mon petit-fils Victor projette au ciel.
  • Voici que je distingue maintenant mon cercueil, recouvert d’une simple rose rouge, où s’agite, affairée, parmi les pétales, une petite coccinelle Une assistance clairsemée comprenant ma famille et quelques amis, entoure ce qui reste de mon enveloppe charnelle. Pas de fleurs ! Pas de couronnes ! Ma chère Mimie qui les aime tant, m’a, toutefois apporté sa magnifique composition florale : « Art nouveau » que je préfère entre toutes, et que je caresse du regard.
  • Quelques amis ! Tous ceux que j’aime : aux côtés de Mimie, voici Jean, silhouette filiforme, ainsi que Pascaline, Hélène (qui s’est arrachée à ses travaux de collage), Corinne, Andrée et…Ah ! Non ! Je n’aperçois pas Johanna : sans doute, n’a-t-elle pas terminé son déménagement. Et voici qu’arrivent également mon autre Jean et Célou tandis que Josette s’installe tout à côté de ma boîte. Quel bonheur !
  • Mimie s’approche maintenant de l’estrade, tenant entre ses mains tremblantes un papier chiffonné et surligné au )
  • « Si nous sommes réunis aujourd’hui, commence-t-elle, sans lever les yeux de son texte, (et en avalant précipitamment un caramel mou au beurre salé : ses préférés.) c’est pour honorer la mémoire de notre très chère Gisèle, qui nous a quittés bien trop tôt.
  • Te voici, Gisou, à côté de nous et je cherchais, l’autre jour, depuis combien de temps nous nous connaissions. Un souvenir me revient et je nous revois à une réunion de famille, où, très fière, je te présente mes filles. A chacune, tu dis un petit mot gentil, prenant grand intérêt à leurs réponses car ton empathie te pousse vers les autres. Même si tu n’ouvrais pas ta porte très facilement, on trouvait chez toi, un accueil affable et souriant. En classe, tes élèves t’adoraient. Inflexible lorsqu’il s’agissait d’indiscipline, tu savais les encourager et les soutenir dans leurs efforts. Certains d’entre eux gardent un souvenir enchanteur de leurs années d’étude avec toi. A ton propos, on pourrait citer la réflexion d’Antoine de Saint Exupéry : «  Je connais des présences généreuses comme des arbres lesquels étendent leurs branches comme des ombres. »
  • (Je sursaute : première nouvelle ! Si mes élèves étaient aussi reconnaissants, sans doute seraient- ils venus m’accompagner à ma dernière demeure. Je parcours la salle du regard : je n’en vois aucun. Quant à mon « empathie », Mimie est bien gentille mais je suis plutôt du genre « renfermé » et ma paresse innée m’a toujours fait traîner des pieds pour entreprendre quoi que ce soit! De plus, ma procrastination n’a fait que m’encourager dans cette voie. Généreuse aussi ? Hum ! C’est à voir. Mais mon Dieu ! Comme c’est agréable de s’entendre affublée de qualités qu’on sait ne pas posséder !)
  • Mimie continue sa lecture :
  • « De plus, ton sens aigu de l’organisation te permettait de faire très bien plusieurs choses à la fois : par exemple, découper la viande pour le repas du soir, tout en répondant au téléphone et en t’aidant du Larousse pour les devoirs de tes enfants. Et ne t’est-il pas arrivé de suivre également du coin de l’œil la page du dernier roman que tu lisais, tout en brassant la confiture sur la cuisinière ? »
  • (C’est certain, mais le repas était parfois brûlé, l’opinel dont je me servais, avait entaillé mon doigt ou bien la confiture s’était cristallisée au fond de la bassine…Quant aux enfants, ma foi, je ne les ménageais guère et, le plus souvent, ils se débrouillaient tout seuls.)
  • « Tes enfants qui sont la lumière de ta vie, t’ont fait le plus beau des cadeaux : trois magnifiques petits-enfants que tu as pu voir grandir et chérir. »
  • (Une larme perle à mes yeux, mais est-ce une larme puisque je n’ai plus de forme matérielle : plutôt un souffle léger qui déplace et ébouriffe les cheveux blonds d’Emma, ma petite clownette, caresse la nuque étroite de Victor et enveloppe la silhouette élancée d’Héloïse. Mes chers petits !)
  • « Mais ta plus grande générosité, tu l’as accomplie après ta mort : tu as accepté que tes cornées, tes valves cardiaques, tes poumons, tes intestins, tes veines, tes artères, tes tendons, tes os, tes ligaments, tes reins, ton cœur, ton foie, ton pancréas, en somme tous tes organes, soient prélevés sur ton corps et greffés sur des malades. »
  • (Bigre, ça alors ! Je ne m’en souviens plus. Ai-je accepté cela ? BRR…Je vérifie : effectivement mon corps est couvert de cicatrices soigneusement recousues. Bon ! Tant pis ! Acceptons d’être généreuse…)
  • « Ta vaillance, ta gaîté, ta générosité, la chaleur de ton amitié te faisaient aimer de tous et si nous survivons dans le souvenir de ceux qui nous aiment, alors, sois sûre que tu resteras à jamais vivante dans nos cœurs. D’ailleurs, tu es à nos côtés, tout à côté, juste de l’autre côté de la porte, non ? »
  • (Oui, je suis ici et là. Je flotte dans l’éther et fais partie du tout. Un oiseau (est-ce lui ? Est-ce moi ?) fait entendre sa plainte. Je préfère ne pas voir mon enveloppe matérielle disparaître dans le four crématoire. Je souffle sur la coccinelle posée sur la rose rouge : dérangée, elle s’envole. Elle a le droit de vivre encore.
  • Par la fenêtre, j’aperçois un nuage qui s’étale et me fait signe. Je me joins lentement à lui en une valse indiscernable, étroite et langoureuse évoquant la sculpture de Camille Claudel. Nous nous fondons alors, tous les deux dans le soleil.)

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Corinne Proposition 10 : Oraison funèbre

Mes biens chers amis, nous voici réunis aujourd’hui pour rendre un dernier hommage à notre estimée Corinne. Comme vous le savez tous, elle n’aurait pas voulu que vous vous lamentiez sur sa disparition, je vais donc vous lire le texte qu’elle a elle-même écrit pour cette occasion, occasion qu’elle attendait comme un dentier son caramel mou.

«De là où je suis, je suis ravie de vous voir tous ici comme nous avons si souvent eu le loisir de le faire pendant toutes ces années où nous nous sommes côtoyés. Nous avons vécu de belles choses ensemble mais maintenant, il va falloir faire sans moi. Je sais, je vais vous manquer, particulièrement mes petites manies qui, je le devinais mais m’en amusais, vous agaçaient tant.

Ainsi vous ne me verrez plus chausser mes lunettes et poser mon nez truffier dans les pages du Larousse, la mine réjouie à l’idée de vous mettre encore la pâtée au Scrabble, pointant un doigt victorieux sur le mot que je venais de poser sur le jeu. Je revois vos mines déconfites lorsque je vous jetais un  »ZYKLONS »,  »YAPOCKS » et autre  »WALKYRIE » sur les cases rouges.

Je peux bien vous avouer maintenant que cela m’a coûté quelques nuits de lecture du dictionnaire, fluotant frénétiquement au Stabilo, non sans excitation jubilatoire, les mots improbables ou tordus qui me rapporteraient un score juteux. Que voulez-vous, je n’aime pas perdre … sauf qu’aujourd’hui, c’est moi qui vous ai perdus. Enfin pas pour longtemps je pense vu nos âges avancés, à l’image de la Valse de Camille Claudel que j’admirais tant, certains d’entre vous viendront bientôt danser collés serrés avec moi. Je vous choque, n’est-ce pas, je vois d’ici vos bouches offusquées s’arrondir en un joli cul de poule d’où pourraient bien sortir des bulles de savon…

Gardez vos «Ohhh» de réprobation, vous savez que je ne respectais rien, pas même le code de la route au volant de ma vieille coccinelle. Elle était collector comme moi, elle en a vu de toutes les couleurs, c’était cocasse quand je jouais à la bête à deux dos à l’intérieur. Un jour, j’ai même sorti mon Opinel pour trancher short et caleçon à mon prétendant qui ne s’effeuillait pas assez vite à mon goût. Il m’a prise pour une psychopathe, à une époque je m’enflammais comme la braise. Je ne vous l’avais jamais racontée celle-là, hein ? Maintenant ça n’a plus d’importance, je suis au nirvana permanent. Donc voilà, je tire ma révérence, je dépose mon nez rouge de clownette (celui-là, en mot compte triple, je vous conseille de le replacer) et je tire une dernière fois toute la couverture à moi. Désormais, vous ne me verrez plus dessiner, avec mon doigt noueux, des arabesques fantaisies sur les pare-brises poussiéreux de vos voitures, parce que ça faisait plus joli, et surtout que je voulais vous laisser un souvenir de moi quand vos départs me déchiraient le cœur. Aujourd’hui, c’est moi qui retourne à la poussière et je vous demande de venir dessiner dans mes cendres, des mots d’amour simples, de ceux qui ne rapportent pas la gloire au Scrabble…»

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Mimie et son oraison funèbre

Mes amours, mes amis,

Si Lise ou Julia vous lit aujourd’hui ce texte que j’ai écrit le 22 juin 2017, c’est parce que je ne suis plus de ce monde et que je vis un moment jubilatoire. Bigre, vous imaginé-je déjà penser, elle était déjà folle à cette époque-là !!!! Mais non, c’est tout le contraire : je pensais déjà à vous et je voulais vous rassurer sur mon sort et que vous ne soyez pas tristes et déprimés comme des caramels mous : je vous disais donc que je vivais un moment jubilatoire car je vais enfin faire la connaissance de mes deux grand-mères qui m’ont tant manqué. J’attends ce moment depuis tellement d’années !!!! Je vais également faire la connaissance de mes deux grands-pères, mais n’en déplaise à la gent masculine ici présente, ce que j’ai appris sur eux ne m’a pas vraiment donné l’envie de les connaître !!!

Mais surtout, surtout, surtout, je vais enfin pouvoir retrouver mon jumeau disparu dans un ventre trop hostile. Je n’ose imaginer notre rencontre, je nous vois emportés dans un tourbillon passionné et tendre tel la Valse de Camille Claudel. Je vais retrouver ce petit être que je n’ai pas pu retenir, malgré tous mes efforts. Tant d’années perdues à avoir ignoré son existence, puis des années à avoir si souvent pensé à lui, et là si je brûle, ce n’est pas des flammes de l’enfer, mais d’impatience à la perspective de le rencontrer.

Que d’aïeux à découvrir, que d’amis déjà partis à retrouver, je suis devenue une bulle de savon qui virevolte et arrive dans une autre vie, celle des rencontres et des retrouvailles, celle où l’on améliore son âme, celle où l’on a le pouvoir d’apporter un peu d’aide aux siens encore vivants et à l’humanité, celle où l’on se prépare à revenir sur terre pour y remplir une mission qui fera progresser.

Alors ne pleurez pas pour moi, ma vie sur terre a été quelque peu mouvementée, bien qu’elle m’ait offert deux filles que j’aime et un homme à qui je reprocherai toujours la même chose, c’est d’avoir pris son temps pour arriver jusqu’à moi !!! Ma vie nouvelle promet d’être passionnante, j’ai envisagé depuis des années ce départ avec à la fois impatience et sérénité. Je me suis sentie si seule pendant toute la première partie de ma vie, guettez mes signes, j’essaierai de vous envoyer de temps en temps un petit bonjour car si les hommes sur terre s’ouvrent à la vie, à l’amour, je crois qu’ils ne se sentiront jamais seuls ou désespérés et qu’ils pourront ressentir l’énergie des personnes déjà parties qui les aiment et sont à même de les guider depuis ce nouveau monde où j’arrive.

Si je suis partie pas trop vieille, ouf, j’aurai gagné le pari de ne pas être devenue une vieille grincheuse, ou pire encore. Si je suis partie bien vieille, ouh la la, j’ose espérer que je ne serai pas devenue dépendante et que j’aurai gardé toute ma tête jusqu’au bout. Si j’ai été affreuse sur la fin de ma vie, je vous en supplie, mes filles, pardonnez-moi, ce n’était plus vraiment moi déjà, et oubliez-le pour vous rappeler « mes meilleurs moments », comme le passage de la porte de cuisine avec la pastèque pourrie, les rigolades chaque fois que je manquais de m’étaler en trébuchant ou encore l’installation d’une barre de penderie pour Julia et d’une planche de bureau pour Lise lors de notre arrivée rue Villeneuve à Bordeaux. J’ai essayé d’être pour vous la mère que j’aurais voulu avoir, je sais que je n’ai pas été une maman « classique », mais croyez bien que j’ai fait de mon mieux et que je vous ai donné tout l’amour dont j’étais capable. Vous m’avez rendue mère et je vous en remercie, cela me semblait tellement inaccessible quand j’étais enfant !! Vous m’avez rendue grand-mère , quel bonheur, et je suis devenue « mimie », ce mélange de mon cru de michèle et de mamie.

Je suis souvent passée pour une sauvage ou une râleuse, voire pire, je le sais, mais j’avais une forme d’exigence d’absolu qui m’est venue de mon éducation rigide et des moments où je m’évadais en rêvant une vie idéale pour me retirer de celle dans laquelle j’étais engluée. Et puis quand on a peur du mal que peuvent vous faire les autres, qu’une parole anodine fait remonter les eaux troubles de l’enfance, on n’adopte pas forcément la « cool attitude » en société et je demande à chacun de me pardonner.

D’après le Larousse, la mort est la cessation complète et définitive de la vie d’un être humain, d’un animal. Que nenni, je vous invite à vous insurger avec moi contre cette définition réductrice qui se place du point de vue de l’humain. Moi qui suis morte, je peux vous le dire, il n’y a pas plus vivant que moi : je suis en train de virevolter et de dessiner des arabesques au plafond de cette pièce, simplement vous ne vous en rendez pas compte !!!! Je suis devenue une clownette qui vit en apesanteur et s’amuse à voler avec les coccinelles !!!

Je voudrais qu’en pensant à moi, vous pensiez plutôt aux moments heureux que nous avons pu vivre ensemble, aux moments de partage de passions comme l’art floral, la musique, l’écriture, le clown, la peinture, la vie quoi ! Je voudrais qu’en pensant à moi, ce ne soient pas des larmes qui vous viennent, mais un franc sourire en souvenir des chouettes moments passés.

Tout à l’heure, va avoir lieu la crémation ; afin d’éviter de sombrer dans l’émotion, je vous donne le tuyau que j’ai utilisé pendant de nombreuses années pour prendre de la distance en pareille circonstance : au moment crucial, je pensais à la chanson de Johnny « Allumez le feu » et au sketch de la crémation d’Elie Semoun que je vous recommande d’aller voir sur You Tube. D’ailleurs, ce n’est pas moi qui brûlerai, car moi je ne suis déjà plus là !!

Le message que je veux vous transmettre aujourd’hui est le suivant et je vous invite à le noter et à le passer au stabilo ou à le graver à l’opinel : la vraie vie est ailleurs !!!

Pour finir, je ne résiste pas à l’envie de partager avec vous quelques citations à méditer au coin du feu :

Jean Yanne : Je serais à la place des agriculteurs qui déposent du fumier devant les Mac Do, je me méfierais car les gérants vont finir par croire qu’il s’agit d’une livraison

Coluche : J’arrêterai de faire de la politique quand les politiciens arrêteront de nous faire rire !

Confucius : La joie est en tout, il faut savoir l’extraire

Epicure : Hâtons-nous de succomber à la tentation avant qu’elle ne s’éloigne

Sénèque : La vie ce n’est pas d’attendre que les orages passent, c’est d’apprendre comment danser sous la pluie

Je vous aime

Mimie

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