Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais (juin 2016)

Sujet :  Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais parfois, quand je me réveille le matin, je me demande  ….

Je vous invite à écrire la suite, mais attention,  vous devez dans votre texte inclure les éléments ci-après :

Rouler des mécaniques

Bleu comme une orange

Noyer son chagrin dans l’alcool

Etre excité comme une puce

Vivre d’amour et d’eau fraîche

« Car l’amour et la mort n’est qu’une même chose »

Dans quel état j’erre ?

Faire pousser des cactus sur mars

Et voilà !

Déguster des beignets d’acacia

Comme c’est la dernière de l’année, une petite consigne de plus : votre texte devra finir par :

« Mais pourquoi moi ????? »

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Corinne :

Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais parfois, quand je me réveille le matin, je me demande plein de trucs bizarres comme une enfant qui se pose des questions farfelues auxquelles les adultes n’ont pas envie de répondre.

Les jours pluvieux du mois dernier, je me demandais ce que ça faisait d’être une limace, pas n’importe laquelle, celle de mon jardin, celle qui m’a laissé la goutte de salive suspendue aux lèvres à l’idée de déguster ma première fraise si rouge si fondante si attendue, le goût déjà dans la bouche après une année d’abstinence (oui oui l’abstinence de fraise ça existe) et en la cueillant délicatement je découvre horrifiée que cette biiiip  ne m’a laissé que l’enveloppe et en a savouré toute la chair pendant la nuit, sa perversité allant jusqu’à masquer à ma vue le trou béant de sa gourmandise le faisant du côté qui ne se voyait pas. C’est fortiche, hein… ? Parce que c’est quoi le champ d’action d’une limace, combien de m2 arpente-elle dans sa vie ? Par rapport à nous c’est riquiqui surtout qu’au passage elle risque fort, en s’installant dans certains jardins, d’aller noyer son chagrin dans l’alcool (ça c’est celle qui n’a pas trouvé mon jardin des délices), car voyez-vous la bougresse, elle aime les fraises, la salade… mais aussi la bière !

« Tant va la limace à la fraise qu’à la fin elle se noie »

Souvent en me réveillant, je me demande aussi ce que ça fait d’être un oiseau parce qu’une tourterelle « croucroute » juste au-dessus de la fenêtre de ma chambre. Bon, les oiseaux mangent des limaces (gnark gnark… mais beuark à l’idée de la dégustation sauf peut-être si c’est une limace qui a mangé MES sublissimes fraises, je devrais la reconnaître, mutante rouge à petits grains verts). Bref je m’égare, je quitte donc le rayon rancune limace pour les oiseaux. Plus je les observe, plus je les aime… de mon balcon je les regarde vivre leur vie simple au gré des saisons, je ne connais pas d’êtres autour de moi aussi libres et joyeux qu’eux. Les voir s’ébattre pour une petite baignade improvisée dans quelques centimètres d’eau restée dans le creux d’un tonneau me réjouit le cœur, si ce n’est pas cela vivre d’amour et d’eau fraîche, je ne sais pas ce que c’est.

« Fais côôôôômme l’oiseau, ça vit d’air pur et d’eau fraîche un oisôôôôô »

Plus récemment, bien qu’étant parfaitement à l’aise dans un corps de femme, je me suis demandé ce que ça ferait de me retrouver dans un corps d’homme, de sentir une barbe naissante sur mon menton le matin au réveil, de faire pipi debout et de sentir un paquet de cacahuètes dans un slip kangourou sur le bas-ventre … enfin de pouvoir rouler des mécaniques, quoi. Pas sûre que ça m’excite comme une puce !

« Tout tout tout, vous saurez tout sur le zizi »

Les matins chagrins, je me demande ce que je fais là. Ces jours moroses, je ne vois rien de réjouissant en ce monde et tous mes efforts pour le rendre beau n’ont pas plus d’effet que si j’essayais de faire pousser des cactus sur Mars. Je sais pertinemment que c’est en changeant à l’intérieur que mon extérieur se transformera, dans ces moments, je regarde ça avec mon grand opticien (celui qui voit tout, mon grand  »man-y-voit-tout »… Tintin pour les intimes) pour qu’il m’enlève ces lunettes qui me font voir la vie bleue comme une orange.

« Sors de ce corps Gandhi »

A d’autres moments, mes questionnements deviennent plus philosophiques, fantaisistes et même carrément flippants pour certains.

Du genre « Et si le monde des rêves c’était pas maintenant quand j’ouvre les yeux et que je quitte la réalité de la nuit quand je suis hors de mon corps ? ». Autant me demander si l’amour et la mort n’est pas qu’une même chose… Je n’ai pas la réponse, tout ce que je sais c’est que cela ne sert à rien de me chauffer les neurones de si bon matin, ça ne fera pas cuire les œufs du petit déjeuner sauf si la tourterelle vient pondre sur ma tête. Tiens, je mangerais bien des fraaaaaises ou des œufs à la neige mais on n’est pas en hiver, il y a du soleil, pas un flocon en vue… On aurait été en Mai, j’aurais fait ce qu’il me plaît, j’aurais dégusté des beignets… d’acacia……..na !

« Vade retro Satanas… et ramène pas ta fraise ! »

Et si je ne me réveillais plus jamais… Et voilà, je la tiens la solution ! Et d’une, je ne me poserais pas toutes ces questions stupides et de deudeu, je n’écrirais pas le sujet proposé par Mimie, elle l’a corsé comme le pastis de l’été et j’avoue que je n’étais pas très inspirée, je me suis trainée comme une limace, puis égayée comme un oiseau et j’ai mis en action comme un homme pour arriver à pondre ce texte.

Oh non, ça recommence, arghhhhhh, toutes ces questions sans réponse dans ma tête, les revoilà : je me demande comment assassiner cruellement un moustique qui rôde dans ma chambre le soir, pourquoi mon chat se contorsionne comme un ver de terrre quand je le gratouille sur le ventre, comment peut bien fonctionner le cerveau d’une mouche qui se cogne inlassablement dans la vitre alors que la fenêtre est ouverte, pourquoi le bleu, comment on fait les bébés, dans quel état j’erre… mais qu’entends-je, qu’ouis-je, qu’ourge, qu’asperge, concombre…

Mais POURQUOI MÔAAAAA ?????!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gisèle :

Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais parfois, quand je me réveille le matin, je me demande si le monde ne tourne pas à l’envers.

Tenez ! Pas plus tard que ce matin, justement, la météo à la radio annonce : « Neige à 1000 m ». Je suis furibard. On est en mai, bon sang ! Les saisons sont toutes déboussolées : encore la faute à Fukushima ! Il me reste plus qu’à enfiler des raquettes au lieu de regarder les feuilles à l’envers et cueillir du muguet !

Plus tard, en manque de clopes, je rencontre mon voisin du deux, au tabac du coin. Au lieu de noyer son chagrin dans l’alcool, comme d’hab, (sa femme s’est fait la malle)  il est excité comme une puce.

« -T’sais pas c’qui m’arrive ?

-Pas encore.

-Ben, depuis hier, j’ai le cancer du poumon ..

-Ah ! Bon ! Et ça te fait gondoler !

-Ben oui ! A l’hosto, j’ai rencontré une chouette infirmière qui m’a dit qu’elle me laisserait pas tomber. Tu imagines ! Quelqu’un qui s’occupe de moi, c’est pas beau la vie ! »

J’en suis tombé sur le c…En être réduit à chérir son crabe, parce qu’il lui apporte un peu d’amour !!  C’est vrai qui y en a qui disent que « l’amour et la mort c’est qu’une et même chose ». J’ veux pas rouler des mécaniques mais tout d’même, ya de quoi rester baba.

Bien sûr, moi aussi, comme tout l’monde, j’aimerais vivre d’amour et d’eau fraîche, mais bon ! Si on y ajoute, de temps en temps, une méga choucroute, cuisinée par ma Loute, et quelques biftons dans la poche du falzar, ça ne me déplairait pas forcément…

De retour au bercail, ya justement ma chère et tendre qui me prend à partie.

-«  Dis-donc, gros, si tu veux déguster des beignets d’acacia, à midi, t’as intérêt à me dire dans quelle étagère tu as rangé la friteuse !

– Ben, comme d’hab, sur le placard, dans l’estanco.

-M’ enfin ! Qu’est-ce qui t’a pris ? T’as plus qu’à fourrer ton matos de pêche avec les casseroles ! »

Et voilà ! Vous essayez de ranger avec méthode et discernement les objets qui traînent et vous vous faites appeler Arthur ! La friteuse dans l’estanco : au moins les gamins ne la renverseront pas mais allez faire comprendre ça à une mal embouchée !

Plus tard, je pousse un p’tit roupillon devant la télé.

« -Papa ! Papa ! Ma cadette me corne dans les oreilles.

– Hein ! Quoi ! Qu’est-ce qui ya ?

– Papa ! Fais- moi réciter ma poésie. »

Je bougonne, elle prend son air inspiré et commence :

« La Terre est bleue »  de Paul Eluard

« La terre est bleue comme une orange

Jamais une erreur, les mots ne mentent pas

Ils ne vous donnent plus à chanter… »

Je me dresse tout du long. Ben ça, alors ! J’en ai entendu des vertes et des pas mûres mais des comme ça, jamais : «  la terre bleue comme une orange !!! » N’importe quoi !

« -Dis-donc, je dis à ma fille, ton Eluard, t’es sûre qu’il a pas une araignée au plafond ? Y a pas une autre poésie où il fait pousser des cactus sur Mars, par hasard ?

– Mais papa ! Tu me fais tromper, arrête ! Laisse-moi réciter ! »

Je reprends mon souffle : ben, si c’est ça qu’on apprend à l’école, maint’nant ! Je vous l’ dis : le monde est bien à l’envers !

Je me tourne et me retourne sur le canapé, je zappe sur le tennis à la télé, j’entends la patronne qui remue ses casseroles à la cuisine. Vains D’jieux, j’ suis t’y le seul à réaliser qu’la planète marche de traviole et les hommes itou ?

Mais pourquoi moi ?

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Hélène :

Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais parfois, quand je me réveille le matin, je me demande d’où viennent tous ces rêves qui m’ont assaillie pendant mon sommeil…

Cette nuit par exemple, mon inconscient m’a empli la tête de choses bizarroïdes. Des objets de forme ovoïde et piquants, d’autres ronds et bleus comme une orange (comme disait le poète) flottaient sur un liquide ambré, je crois bien qu’il s’agissait de rhum car je sentais son odeur… incroyable ! Tous mes sens étaient en éveil alors que je dormais profondément !

Des petits êtres de couleur verdâtre étaient accrochés à ces espèces de bouées flottantes. Ils étaient affublés de bras longilignes, d’immenses oreilles et de tout petits yeux. Ils m’ont soudain interpellée… c’est logique ; chacun sait que les martiens parlent parfaitement le français ! Car c’étaient des martiens, j’en étais sûre ! Le plus vieux m’a dit :

-« Hé, copine ! Viens te baigner avec nous ! Notre planète est tellement polluée que plus rien n’y pousse ! Pas le moindre brin d’herbe, pas la moindre fleur… alors on est venu ici noyer notre chagrin dans l’alcool… y ‘a plus rien à faire pour notre planète ! C’est fichu !

C’est là que je me suis rendu compte que les trucs bizarres ronds ou ovales qui flottaient sur le rhum étaient en fait des cactus ; il y en avait de toutes sortes, des petits, des grands, avec ou sans piquants, fleuris ou non… certains portaient des fleurs blanches en grappes qui sentaient délicieusement bon, une odeur sucrée qui se mêlait agréablement à celle du rhum.

Alors j’ai eu une idée de génie, ce qui n’arrive que dans les rêves, une idée lumineuse :

– Mais est-ce que vous avez essayé de faire pousser des cactus sur mars au moins ? Ces plantes ont peu de besoins, ça devrait fonctionner ! regardez autour de vous, il y en a plein ! Si vous voulez je peux vous aider à les bouturer ! Un peu de gaz carbonique des pots d’échappements des voitures pour démarrer la culture, de la glace qui fondra très vite sur Mars pour l’eau,  et voilà ! le tour est joué ! les cactus vivent presque uniquement d’amour et d’eau fraiche vous savez !

J’étais très fière de moi, j’avais un sentiment de toute puissance : j’allais ramener la vie sur Mars ! Eh oui, car dans mon rêve, la vie avait toujours existé sur cette planète… J’avais toutes sortes d’idées de génie : après la réintroduction des cactus, on pourrait tester la réintroduction d’autres plantes, puisque de l’oxygène aurait été produite par les cactus…

Les petits êtres s’étaient regroupés autour de moi en ramant à l’aide de leurs longs bras, ils étaient un peu ivres, naviguaient avec peine, en hoquetant et en beuglant des chansons paillardes, mais je lisais sur leurs visages une admiration sans fin. Moi, bien sûr, je roulais des mécaniques…

Puis le vieux martien s’est approché de moi. Il a ouvert la paume de sa main, qui abritait une pierre jaunâtre qui faisait penser à de l’ambre. Il me l’a offerte en souriant. Ensuite il m’a remerciée en formant des signes obscurs avec ses mains, et m’a lancé ce message sibyllin :

« N’oublie pas de réchauffer le cassoulet. Car l’amour et la mort n’est qu’une même chose »

J’étais troublée. Ce martien avait beau avoir un âge vénérable et parler très bien notre langue, il avait tout de même oublié d’accorder le verbe être avec son sujet l’amour et la mort. Il aurait dû dire : « l’amour et la mort ne sont qu’une même chose », me trompe-je ?

J’ai pensé qu’il y avait des erreurs de grammaire même dans les rêves ! J’étais exaspérée. Alors, en signe de protestation, j’ai levé les bras au ciel. A ce moment là,  je me suis rendue compte que moi aussi j’étais assise sur une sorte de plante grasse géante. En levant les bras, j’ai complètement perdu l’équilibre, et j’ai plongé la tête la première dans l’alcool !

Ma chute a duré un temps infini, j’avais la sensation de tomber dans le vide…

Et c’est à cet instant là que je me suis réveillée.

J’ai crié :

OU SUIS-JE ? DANS QUEL ETAT J’ERRE ? OU VAIS-JE ?

J’ai essayé de retrouver mes esprits et de répondre à ces questions qui m’assaillaient de si bon matin.

– Pauvre cloche, tu es juste dans ta chambre, tu as fait un rêve inhabituel et tu ne vas nulle part !

Ensuite, je me suis étirée et j’ai réfléchi. Certains fragments de mon rêve s’expliquaient par ce que j’avais fait la veille : j’étais allée au lac de Palau Del Vidre, à côté de Perpignan, où j’avais cueilli  des brassées entières de fleurs d’acacias que j’allais préparer aujourd’hui en beignets pour mes fils, comme à chaque printemps (mes enfants adorent les beignets de fleurs d’acacias, et moi aussi). Ce qui expliquait les fleurs blanches. La veille, j’avais évoqué mon envie de cassoulet, donc je comprenais mieux la déclaration étrange du vieux martien à la fin de mon rêve.

Par contre, j’avais beaucoup de mal à comprendre le cheminement dans mon esprit du rhum et des cactus : je déteste les boissons fortes, et les plantes piquantes me font horreur.

Après avoir retourné toutes ces idées dans ma tête, j’ai fini par me lever, et j’ai ouvert les volets de ma chambre. Et c’est là que je l’ai vue. Posée sur le rebord de ma fenêtre, une ambre couleur de miel étincelait aux premiers rayons du soleil. Une jolie pierre précieuse, identique en tous points à celle de mon rêve…. j’étais certaine de ne l’avoir jamais vue auparavant.

J’étais paniquée, j’ai pensé que je perdais la tête…

Alors j’ai hurlé :

« Mais pourquoi moi ????? »

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Jean :

Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais parfois, quand je me réveille le matin, je me demande  ….

… pourquoi il faut se lever alors que je suis si bien au chaud sous la couette. Je me dépêche alors de me placer dans la position qui va bien pour s’endormir et…je me rendors…presque à tous les coups. C’est très agréable de sentir le sommeil revenir, les rêves interrompus reprendre leur cours …et c’est reparti pour un tour.  Évidemment ça ne dure qu’un temps, parfois un cycle complet mais le plus souvent, les cloches de l’église voisine, le camion des poubelles, les rires des maitres-chiens qui se rencontrent quotidiennement interrompent sournoisement ce délice matinal.

Mais ce matin-là, c’était différent. Un bruit bizarre me réveille et me fait bondir hors du lit : quelqu’un marche dans l’appartement alors que je suis seul, porte fermée à double tour.  Tout nu, j’ouvre la porte et me précipite dans la salle de séjour. Et qu’est-ce que je vois ? … rien, personne ; pourtant je n’ai pas rêvé ! Je me rue dans la bibliothèque et tombe en arrêt, stupéfait : une femme superbe me fait face, tout sourire. Oh ! Oh ! Fais-je avec ce sens de l’a- propos qui me caractérise. Je fais marche arrière pour attraper une serviette dans la cuisine, planquer les bijoux de famille et revenir affronter l’inconnue, complétement inconnue. J’imagine vos questions. Mais qui est-ce donc ? Au fait qu’est cela peut bien vous faire ? Et que fais-t-elle là ? Peu importe, elle est là et c’est tout ce qui m’intéresse à cet instant. Comment est-elle entrée ? Franchement, vous voulez vraiment le savoir ?

Ce qui est certain c’est qu’elle est encore plus superbe au deuxième regard : grande, blonde, souriante, poitrine provocante, et longues, longues jambes fuselées. Pas grand-chose pour cacher ces merveilles ; je dirais plutôt juste ce qu’il faut pour valoriser l’ensemble et les détails. Je vous dis tout cela qui peut paraitre long ; en fait le tout n’a pas duré plus de 4 secondes : ce qu’on peut éprouver en 4 secondes quand les circonstances s’y prêtent !

Excité comme une puce j’ai envie de jouer les mécaniques mais ma tenue ne s’y prête guère. On ne peut vraiment réfléchir dans un tel appareil. Aussi je fais trois pas en arrière pour attraper un peignoir, et me revoilà devant la belle…qui a disparu ! Enfer et damnation ! Mais où est-elle passée ? Je visite en volant toutes les pièces de l’appartement : rien, rien de rien, elle n’est plus dans l’appartement. Au passage je note que le lit de la chambre du fond est défait. Elle a donc dormi ici, dans un lit qu’une mince cloison séparait du mien. Qu’en pensez vous ? Certes j’ai échappé à une tentation qui aurait pu me faire déchoir de mon statut de mari fidèle. Mais curieusement je n’en éprouve aucune satisfaction sur le moment ; Que voulez-vous « il y a toujours un peu de sperme dans les plus grandes de nos résolutions » ; même Diderot n’aurait pas mieux dit ! Car s’il est bon de vivre d’amour et d’eau fraiche avec toujours la même dulcinée, il est non moins certain que le mérite n’est rien sans péril à affronter.

Là le péril fut grand et je mis quelque temps à me féliciter de l’avoir affronté avec succès …aidé il est vrai par le hasard du non vouloir…mais bon, il faut compter sur la mansuétude de la Providence, n’est-ce pas ?

A vrai dire j’ai quand même cherché un peu partout, des fois qu’elle se serait caché dans un placard, sous un lit, voire au-dessus d’une armoire, mais non, l’oiseau s’était envolé. Que faire dans ces moment-là ? Geindre ? Se réjouir ? Philosopher ? Ou se préparer à toute nouvelle éventualité ?

Quelques heures plus tard, je ne réussissais toujours pas à penser à autre chose. Pourtant qu’avais-je manqué ? Rien, probablement ! Nous aurions échangé quelques amabilités. Elle m’aurait servi quelque histoire abracadabrante expliquant sa présence, et puis, je lui aurais proposé un café, qu’elle aurait décliné prétextant d’une urgence,  prendre un train, un rendez-vous…

Mais quand même, pourquoi était-elle partie si rapidement sans adieu ni merci ? Je demeurais  tantôt excité comme une puce et tantôt j’avais envie de noyer mon chagrin dans l’alcool. Fort heureusement je bois très peu, une, deux gorgées et je n’ai plus soif de cet alcool qui me brûle et ne m’apporte aucun plaisir. Jamais je n’ai compris ceux qui se réjouissent de la brulure que l’alcool leur procure. Tant d’autres plaisirs sans souffrance s’offrent à nous que c’est pitié que de se faire mal pour jouir.

Après avoir fourragé toute la journée, dans l’appartement et dans mes pensées je vais enfin me coucher après avoir dégusté quelques beignets d’acacia que ma tendre et chère m’avait amoureusement préparé. Non sans avoir verrouillé soigneusement l’appartement et vérifié dans chaque pièce que personne n’y soit caché. Frêle espoir, déçu, de retrouver ma belle.

Le lendemain matin en me réveillant je me demandais encore ce qui s’était vraiment passé la veille, quand j’entends à nouveau des pas dans l’appartement. Glacé par la surprise je mets quelque temps à me lever prenant le temps d’enfiler un vêtement et m’approchant silencieusement dans la salle de séjour, je vois…à cet instant du récit, qu’espérez-vous gentes lectrices ? De retrouver la belle inconnue probablement ! Mais ce serait trop attendu, il vous faut du plus fort, n’est-ce pas ! Eh bien, vous avez raison ! Ce que je vois est épouvantable : un gaillard bien charpenté vide les tiroirs l’un après l’autre, la porte fracturée est béante… que faire ? J’observe un peu, il n’a pas l’air armé…je décide un peu inconsciemment de refermer la porte ce qui lui bouche la sortie et je déclenche l’alarme. L’intrus, qui ne m’avait pas vu, saute comme un cabri, se retourne et fonce sur moi ; J’ai prévu le coup et m’écartant au dernier moment j’ai le temps de lui attraper le bras et l’immobiliser commue je l’avais appris il y a longtemps. Il a beau se débattre la prise est imparable car il risque la fracture de l’épaule s’il insiste.. Me voilà bien ! Que vais-je faire de ce voleur ? En fait il se défend de n’avoir rien volé et me supplie de le laisser partir : son intention n’étant pas de me voler affirme-t-il. Alors que cherchait-il ? Il ne veut rien me dire. Je lui demande  si sa présence est liée à celle de l’inconnue qui me visitait la veille. Devant son mutisme j’appuie un peu sur la clé de bras ce qui le fait hurler de douleur. Il dit : oui ! oui ! mais ce n’est pas ce que vous croyez ! En fait je suis tellement éberlué que je ne crois rien du tout… et vous, vous croyez quoi ? Moi je ne sais plus dans quel état j’erre, car ça fait beaucoup d’émotions en deux jours, moi qui me suis plutôt préparé à vivre simplement, d’amour et d’eau fraiche par exemple, avec quand même un bon cassoulet de temps en temps.

Comme vous ne me dites pas ce que vous croyez il faut bien que je me triture à nouveau le cerveau pour vous tenir en haleine, vous qui n’avez pas froid aux yeux devant un mail d’atelier d’écriture.

Le freluquet pleurnichard me  dit donc qu’il cherchait quelque chose que la belle a planqué dans l’appartement hier, quelque chose de très important un secret de fabrication qu’elle a chouravé à son employeur. Lequel a envoyé ses sbires sur sa trace pour reprendre le DVD sur lequel se trouve un mode d’emploi révolutionnaire pour faire pousser des cactus sur Mars. … Et voilà le travail. Je vous ai bien eu n’est-ce pas. D’une pierre deux coups, me tirer d’une impasse de récit et caser l’une des phrases les plus tordues de Mimie. Al ! Ça fait du bien. Je respire un bon coup et je vous livre la suite.

Le temps de vérifier que l’asticot qui gigote au bout de mon bras ne me mène pas en bateau et je conviens avec lui de le relâcher et l’aider à retrouver le DVD …à condition que la belle revienne plus tard me remercier comme il convient d’avoir libéré son petit copain. Je vous vois ricaner doucement : marché de dupes mon bonhomme, tu ne reverras rien du tout ! Et vous auriez raison, mais… tout à coup l’appartement est envahi par trois gros bras lourdement armés encadrant la belle qui n’en mène pas large. Fini de rigoler, ça sent le roussi pour elle, le freluquet, et…moi. Cette histoire d’amour manqué pourrait très mal finir et ce n’est pas parce que l’amour et la mort sont une même chose, dixit Mimie, que cela va me consoler.

Et voilà ! Ma vie va s’arrêter là, pleurez ma disparition et la fin de ces textes si émouvants que je vous fignolais. Mais pourquoi moi ? Tout a une fin et la mienne est compromise car les mastards n’y vont pas par quatre chemins. Je ramasse quelques uppercuts et ma bouille vire du bleu à l’orange (pardon Mimie pour cette inclusion approximative), le freluquet est en sang, ma belle crie comme une damnée car elle feint de ne pas se souvenir de la cache du DVD…Je m’évanouis !

Vous croyez que c’est fini ? Eh bien, non ! Souvenez-vous ! J’avais déclenché l’alarme de l’appartement. Je retrouve mes esprits après quelques baffes bien senties des policiers qui sont arrivés sur les lieux pour cueillir commune une fleur tout ce beau monde et faire de moi un héros de roman policier. Tous se retrouveront sous les verrous.

Petite consolation : j’ai obtenu le droit d’aller en prison visiter ma belle inconnue…

çççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççççç

Mimie :

Je ne sais pas si vous êtes comme moi, mais parfois, quand je me réveille le matin, je me demande  où je suis, dans quelle ville j’habite et dans quelle situation je suis ; j’ai tellement souvent déménagé, connu tant de moments que je voudrais pas revivre que dans ces secondes où l’esprit flotte entre le réel et l’irréel, je suis parfois saisie de quelques instants de panique, puis ouf, je refais surface, oui je suis bien là à Manziat dans ma maison, j’ai un chéri qui m’aime, mes deux filles vont bien, je travaille sur Mâcon et puis oh chouette, mais c’est vrai, c’est dimanche aujourd’hui, donc pour peu que le ciel soit bleu comme une orange, le jardin m’attend !!!!!

Et là, me voilà excitée comme une puce !! Je fonce à la salle de bains, puis hop je file dehors avant que le soleil soit trop haut et me fasse griller comme une merguez !! Je peux rester à m’activer au jardin pendant plusieurs heures avant que mon homme n’émerge de son sommeil. Tiens d’ailleurs ce matin, ce fut encore le cas : alors que je jardinais depuis 6 heures du matin, le voici qui s’est levé vers dix heures, il m’a rejointe au jardin et m’a dit, le plus sérieusement du monde : « Et si au lieu de jardiner ici, je t’emmenais faire pousser des cactus sur Mars ? » et il m’a embrassée.

Je m’attendais à tout sauf à ça, je veux parler de Mars et des cactus, pas du baiser !!! Que lui auriez-vous répondu à ma place ? Moi je n’ai pas hésité, je lui ai dit « Chiche ». Et c’est ainsi que tout a commencé ou plutôt que nous avons commencé à nous affairer …

♀- Les martiens, tu crois qu’ils seront accueillants ?

♂- Ecoute, dans les livres de science-fiction ils le sont toujours et il n’y a pas de raison de ne pas croire ce qui est écrit dans les livres !!!

♀- Ah bon, eh bien écoute, dans ce cas, n’emmenons pas de  réserves de nourriture, nous vivrons d’amour et d’eau fraîche !!! Il n’y a pas de raison non plus de ne pas faire confiance aux expressions populaires !!!

♂-  Ma chérie, j’ai comme un doute, crois-tu qu’il y aura des acacias et qu’ils seront en fleurs ou emporte-t-on pour les déguster sur place les délicieux beignets d’acacias que tu as préparés avec tant d’amour hier soir ??

Et voilà, ça c’est les hommes : au début, c’est génial, et puis après ils confondent la bouffe et l’amour !!! Ou alors, est-ce nous les nanas, à force de leur mitonner de bons petits plats, qui leur laissons croire que c’est parce que nous les aimons que nous cuisinons si bien ????

J’en restai là de mes réflexions sur l’origine de l’inégalité des sexes ; mon chéri roulait tranquillou des mécaniques en s’affairant sur ses calculs, ses croquis, ses exponentielles, ses abscisses et ses désordonnées. Je le laissai et partis sur mon ordi chercher de la doc sur les cactus. Un cactus, ça ne nourrit pas son homme, est-ce-que cela nourrit son martien, et est-ce-qu’un humain amarsi s’apparente encore à un humain ou devient-il ipso facto un martien dès qu’il met le pied sur le sol de Mars. Et d’ailleurs Mars a-t-il un sol, une surface, quelque chose où planter mes fichus cactus ?

Et puis pourquoi obéir toute sa vie, pourquoi m’escrimerais-je, moi, Mimie, un être a priori sensé, à faire pousser des cactus sur Mars, et pas plutôt des fraises, tiens, des garriguettes par exemple, c’est un délice, et des framboises, alors là, c’est l’extase. C’est vrai ça, et puis à quoi peut bien servir un cactus, qui a inventé les épines des cactus, le bon dieu ou alors un être méchant, sadique et de surcroît sournois, ou encore un commercial qui aurait déposé le brevet de la pince à épiler et engrangerait des royalties à chaque pince vendue ???

Bon je m’égare, où suis-je, où vais-je, dans quel état j’erre ? Quel bonheur total que la vie ce matin : trois questions, trois réponses : je suis devant mon ordi, je vais sur Mars, et j’erre dans l’étape intermédiaire !!!!!

Il faisait beau, ce dimanche matin, un temps à rêvasser au bord de sa piscine, les orteils en éventail ; au lieu de ça, mon chéri était tranquillement en train de défaire toute la structure de la maison pour trouver des matériaux pour construire notre vaisseau spatial ; hé oui, n’oublions pas que nous étions un dimanche et que le dimanche tout est fermé !!! D’habitude, mon homme est précautionneux et quand il démonte quelque chose, il met bien de côté les petites vis, les boulons, les trucs et les machins pour pouvoir remonter facilement, mais là, l’excitation le gagnait, et plus elle le gagnait, moins il faisait attention. A midi, il n’y avait plus de maison mais un énorme tas de tuiles, de clous, de bouts de charpente et de placo au milieu du jardin, de Mon !!! jardin ; à la place de la maison, droits comme l’obélisque de la place la Concorde, deux étages de notre vaisseau. Mon chéri suait à grosses gouttes, il n’était plus lui-même, il était devenu fou, il délirait en récitant des formules mathématiques. Il ne s’arrêta pas pour manger les accras de morue que j’avais amoureusement cuisinés tant qu’il me restait une cuisine, mauvais signe s’il en fut.

Et là, je commençai à avoir des doutes, avais-je choisi le bon compagnon de vie, le bon compagnon de route ? Je n’avais plus de maison, plus de jardin car toutes mes fleurs, mes framboisiers, mes arbustes élevés avec amour depuis sept ans déjà étaient irrémédiablement écrasés sous les restes de la maison. Je me mis à pleurer, à sangloter plus fort que le bruit du poste de soudure à l’arc que Chéri utilisait pour assembler le troisième étage du vaisseau. Je voulus noyer mon chagrin dans l’alcool, mais il n’y avait plus de cave non plus. Je n’en pouvais plus, je compris que si mon chéri m’aimait, la vie, elle, ne m’aimait pas. Je réfléchis et décidai de mettre fin à mes jours, car l’amour et la mort n’est qu’une même chose, comme disait le gars Ronsard. Mais comment faire avec mon seul ordi, tout le reste étant dans les ruines de la maison ? Il ne restait plus que la piscine, piscine/eau, eau/électrocution, électrocution/Claude François. Je commençai à chanter « Toi et moi contre le monde entier », puis :

♀- Chéri, tu veux bien être gentil et me prêter deux minutes la balladeuse qui est branchée sur le vaisseau ?

♂- Pas de souci, mon amour, fais attention, attrape !!

Tandis que je faisais un magnifique quadruple salto arrière pour pénétrer en vrille dans la piscine, j’attrapai au vol la baladeuse ; dans les quelques instants de lévitation avant le plongeon final, je pensai :

– Mais que suis-je venue faire sur terre, quel aura été le sens de ma vie, Seigneur mais pourquoi moi ?????

 

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