Le tuyau d’arrosage (septembre 2016)

Sujet : le tuyau d’arrosage

Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle ne fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau mais …

A vous d’écrire librement la suite avec une seule contrainte : que vous glissiez un animal dans votre histoire, et bien sûr pas un animal domestique !!!

Laissez libre cours à votre imagination fertile et surtout farfelue !!!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVv

Andrée :

 

Avec la canicule  de ces derniers jours , je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin,

mais quelle ne fut pas ma surprise, ce ne fut pas de l’eau qui sortait du tuyau, mais……

 mais

 Avant de tout vous dire,

je tiens à vous mettre en garde

 

Vous, les incrédules,

Vous les scientifiques,

Vous les rationnels,

 

N’allez pas plus loin

Vous perdriez votre temps

Et je sais comme votre temps est précieux

Ce qu’évidemment je respecte infiniment

 

En fait , avant de vous conter ce qui est arrivé ce jour là

Je ne l’ai pas inventé

On me l’avait déjà dit

Avec beaucoup de sérieux, de componction

Des trucs dignes de sagesse, de bonne foi, quoi

 

Mais,moi,  sans être

Ni incrédule,

Ni scientifique,

Ni rationnelle,

 

Au fond de moi

 cela m’avait fait bien rire,

comme quoi !!!!!

 

il m’avait donc été dit

que dans des circonstances exceptionnelles

qui peuvent être

une sécheresse,

de mauvais plants de légumes ou de fleurs

de petites ou de grosses lunes

le goût que l’on met à cultiver son jardin,etc…,

l’âge du capitaine,(non, là pardonnez moi, j’exagère !)

enfin plein trucs objectifs, subjectifs, ou autres

 

il se peut  donc

que lorsqu’on met son tuyau d’arrosage en route

alors ,

devant nos yeux ébahis

ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sort du tuyau

mais,

(promettez de ne pas le répéter,

Je passerais pour une bécasse)

,mais …….

 

De l’OR

Des gerbes d’or

Des pépites d’or

Dont se régalent tous les végétaux

Qui frétillent de bonheur

Qui exhalent leur senteur

 

Joie de la vie retrouvée

Oui, ça m’est arrivé

Je l’ai vu

Je pourrais disserter

Sur le pourquoi de cette vision ??

Sur le comment de cette vision ??

Sur l’aspect philosophique des choses

L’avant, l’inquiétude

L’après, la joie

Mais ,

Peut-être que vous aussi avez vécu ce miracle

 

Alors ,vous pouvez me contacter

 pour partager votre ressenti

 je vous donne mes coordonnées :

 atelier d’écriture de la mignonne Mimie

texte 1,septembre 2016

 et je signe :

 Andrée

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Gisèle :

Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau…mais rien ! Surpris, de la belle façon, j’enlevai la pomme de l’arrosoir, pensant celle-ci bouchée puis remuai celui-là qui fit entendre alors, un bruissement de castagnettes et déversa tout un assortiment de petites pastilles brunâtres légèrement aplaties et de formes très régulières.

-Diantre, m’écriai-je, quel est donc ce prodige qui transforme l’eau de mon puits en matières sèches et découpées ?

Je me perdis en conjectures pendant plusieurs jours puis décidai d’en faire part à mon ami.

 

Au Sieur Jean Le Rond d’Alembert

Paris, le dixième jour de Juin 1751

Très Cher et Honoré Ami,

Comme vous me l’avez tant de fois déclaré « penser d’après soi et penser par soi-même », doivent être les seules méthodes permettant de s’approprier une science. Mais vous me feriez toutefois une faveur insigne si je pouvais disposer de vos lumières et de votre entendement au sujet d’un prodige dont je vais vous instruire.

L’arrosoir dont je me sers pour arroser mes résédas, dispense, au lieu de l’eau coutumière, des centaines de petites pilules sèches, d’une couleur hésitant entre le vert et le brun et de forme carrée extrêmement régulière. Un soupçon me vient : serait-ce une machine mue par un moyen mécanique qui les aurait produites et les aurait-on glissées dans mon arrosoir pour me jouer un tour insigne ?

Venons-en à leur description. Ces pastilles se réduisent  très facilement en poudre, ont une odeur assez prononcée entre le poisson peu frais et la graisse rance et leur goût (lorsque j’eus posé sur ma langue, avec précaution, quelques grains de cette poudre) en est assez fade quoique peu désagréable.

– Ventredieu ! l’encre épaissie refuse de couler de ma plume d’oie et distraitement, pour la dégager, j’en ai essuyé le bec sur ma magnifique robe de chambre d’écarlate : ventredieu !Ventredieu !

Je contiens ma fureur et continue ma lettre.

Mon cher ami, vous qui prônez la méthode expérimentale et visitez nombre d’ateliers artisanaux pour la rédaction de notre œuvre commune : « L’Encyclopédie ou Dictionnaire raisonné des Sciences, des Arts et des Métiers », vous allez être entièrement satisfait par mon initiative. J’ai pris la peine d’envoyer un tant soit peu de ces pilules à notre ami commun, Monsieur de Réaumur. Comme vous le savez sans doute, il dispose d’un de ces admirables et prodigieux appareils nommés « microscopes » capables de grossir cent fois le moindre animalcule. Surpris par l’aspect extraordinaire de ces pastilles, il les a également traitées chimiquement et s’est aperçu qu’elles contenaient en quantités infinitésimales, des bribes de chair de poissons et de mammifères ainsi que des blés et de l’épeautre. Il semble qu’il y ait également, quelque produit inconnu de lui, chargé d’en assurer la conservation. En somme, une nourriture concentrée sous un faible volume. Que dites vous de cela ? Cela n’est-il point admirable ?

Et vous allez bellement entendre la suite. Au soir de cette journée merveilleuse en péripéties, je souffle ma chandelle et m’étends sur ma couche après avoir pris  soin d’entrouvrir ma croisée. Brusquement, je m’éveille, alerté par des grognements provenant du jardin, suivis par des grignotements et de petits cris de contentement. Mon bonnet de nuit, ma robe de chambre et me voilà, à la clarté de la lune, en train de contempler une troupe de hérissons, dévorant à grand bruit le reste de ces pastilles abandonnées sur le pré. Oh, la chose précieuse que ce petit groupe ! Je sentis mon âme s’attendrir et des pleurs prêts à tomber de mes yeux. Il y avait là, une mère, sans doute, accompagnée de ses quatre petits et chacun croquait à belles dents, avec beaucoup d’allégresse, ces pastilles extraordinaires. Je pris, dans le pan de ma belle robe de chambre, l’un de ces enfançons, le retournai sur le dos, et comme vous le savez sans doute, il se mit en boule, ne montrant que son museau et l’extrémité de ses quatre pattes. A seule fin de le taquiner, je promenai contre son mignon petit nez, une de ces étranges pilules et, la gourmandise aidant, il déplia, une à une, ses minuscules menottes pour s’en saisir ! Me retournant, je vis alors une troupe de ces  petits rats que l’on nomme musaraignes, débouler à pattes menues, à seule fin de profiter également de cette provende !

Quel prodige que ces matières ! Ne voyez-vous point en elles, si on trouve le moyen de les reproduire, une manière de mettre fin à ces calamités incessantes que sont les famines ? Des entrepôts spécialement conçus, suffiraient à les conserver : adieu, le désastre de ces années au climat épouvantable ! De plus, nos marins, assurément, pourraient entreprendre de longues traversées maritimes sans craindre les tourments de  la faim. Quant à notre bétail, qui sait, peut-être pourrait-il également profiter de cette manne, lorsque manque le foin, à seule fin d’être engraissé à bon compte !

Mais je m’égare, cher ami, dans ces rêves merveilleux pour l’avenir de notre humanité. Contentons nous, pour l’heure, de procéder à des analyses plus poussées et de mener une enquête approfondie au sujet de leur provenance. Comment ces pastilles se sont-elles retrouvées au fond de mon arrosoir, certes, je l’ignore et de la belle façon.

Le soir arrive, la clarté s’est évanouie, j’allume ma chandelle. Adieu, donc, mon ami et recevez  toutes mes affectueuses pensées. Puisse le destin vous maintenir en  santé afin que nous achevions de concert notre œuvre commune, devrais-je dire notre enfant commun ? Avec le temps, puissions nous, également, grâce à lui, cher ami, produire une révolution dans les esprits !

Votre Denis Diderot

 Ma plume d’oie a rendu l’âme, je répands un nuage de sable sur l’encre puis je plie et  cachète ma lettre. Le froid aidant, j’enfile ma robe de chambre. J’aperçois alors sur le pan de celle-ci, une longue traînée verdâtre .Quelle n’est pas ma fureur : mon hérisson paraît s’être oublié sur ma belle robe de chambre écarlate ! Vertudieu !

Qu’ouïs-je au dehors? Par la croisée entrouverte, j’aperçois ma famille de hérissons, de retour pour ses agapes et, par quelle coïncidence extraordinaire, mon beau et doux chaton leur tient compagnie, croquant également, avec force contentement, ces merveilleuses pastilles. A ce doux spectacle, mon cœur s’émeut puis je tressaille. Diantre ! Diantre ! Comment vais-je  nourrir toute cette assemblée lorsque la manne sera terminée ?

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Jean :

Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle ne fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau mais …

…quelques borborygmes et un peu d’eau parsemée de débris

    Mais en y regardant de plus près mon œil d’entomologiste décela une espèce de petit ver blanc qui ne bougeait pas mais semblait vivant. Je le recueillis précautionneusement et l’installais sous mon microscope. C’était bien une sorte de ver blanc cylindrique avec des pores qui remuaient faiblement. A l’extrémité du corps deux yeux bleus…ME REGARDAIENT…

    Je me reculais violemment puis me reprenant je me penchais à nouveau sur l’optique : LES YEUX ME REGARDAIENT TOUJOURS ! Je croyais être le voyeur mais c’était moi qui était vu, par un regard  vaguement triste mais très lumineux avec des cils qui s’abaissaient de temps en temps. Des yeux qui me regardaient intensément comme s’ils m’interrogeaient : tu me regardes et moi aussi  je te regarde et je voudrais te dire… QUOI ? Que voulaient –ils me dire ces yeux là ? Quelque chose d’important, certainement…

    Après quelques minutes d’observation réciproque je décidais d’interrompre ce dialogue sans contenu et j’installais le ver dans une coupelle à température ambiante avec quelques miettes de pain et de viande.

    Les jours suivants je le regardais fréquemment et il me regardait toujours avec ce regard triste interrogatif. C’était gênant et obsédant. Peu à peu un vague sentiment de culpabilité s’installait en moi et j’appréhendais de plus en plus ce regard tout en ayant de plus en plus envie et même besoin de le retrouver.

    Je dus m’absenter pendant une semaine et au retour, craignant que le ver soit mort, je me précipitais vers la coupelle : le ver semblait avoir grossi ! Ce qui se confirma au microscope mais  LE REGARD ÉTAIT TOUJOURS LA et ME QUESTIONNAIT TRISTEMENT. Je ressentis un choc dans la poitrine et mon cœur se mit à battre plus fort. Le ver vivait dans sa coupelle avec les nutriments que j’y avais déposé. J’examinais finement le contenu de la coupelle : il restait encore des nutriments mais je n’observais aucun déchet, aucun excrément. Bizarre !

    Quelques semaines plus tard le ver avait beaucoup grossi et je dus l’installer dans une grande coupelle. Il consommait le pain et la viande mais toujours sans produire d’excréments. Un ami biologiste à qui j’en parlais s’étonna et me proposa de le disséquer. Ce que je repoussais brusquement car le regard du ver était toujours en moi comme celui d’un proche dont il serait impensable d’attenter à la vie.

Le temps passa. Le ver grossit, grossit et son regard était toujours triste. Je n’avais plus vraiment besoin du microscope pour l’observer, une loupe suffisait. Bientôt la loupe même ne fut plus nécessaire. Dans sa cuvette le ver atteint  les vingt centimètres de long sur deux de large. Son corps blanchâtre était presque lisse, légèrement ridé, parsemé d’orifices qui ondulaient légèrement. Les yeux étaient magnifiques, d’un bleu délavé , ombré de cils qui se fermaient à intervalles réguliers. Le regard  ne quittait jamais  le mien et semblait me suivre partout : il était en moi. Une formidable impression de vie puissante s’en dégageait. Je ressentais aussi une inquiétude sournoise sur l’avenir de cet être. Que serait-il dans quelques mois ?

Quelques mois plus tard le ver faisait un mètre de long et 10 cm de large. Il consommait de plus en plus de pain et de viande et toujours pas d’excréments. Je ne pouvais plus le cacher. Mon copain biologiste et d’autres chercheurs vinrent le voir et l’observer longuement. Tous prédisaient sa mort imminente pour des tas de bonnes raisons physiologiques que je ne comprenais guère. Le regard les interpellait moins . Par contre ce regard fit l’affaire d’un journaliste qui sans mon accord en publia une photo dans le journal local. Vinrent alors de plus en plus nombreux des journalistes nationaux puis internationaux. Le regard était dans tous les kiosques. Puis cette nouveauté s’estompa et la presse n’en parla plus.

Deux ans plus tard le ver faisait dix mètres de long et un mètre de large. Il pesait approximativement trois cent kilos. Son corps s’était incurvé et j’avais acquis une grande piscine en plastique dans laquelle il semblait à l’aise. J’avais agrandi sommairement ma maison d’une pièce pouvant la loger. J’y maintenais facilement une température de 18 degrés car il semblait que le ver contribuait à chauffer la pièce. Il consommait à peu près la même quantité de pain et de viande que moi : j’avais donc deux bouches à nourrir et nous faisions famille alors que je m’étais juré de vivre seul.

         Les scientifiques avaient retrouvé de l’intérêt pour mon compagnon et des articles fleurissaient sur les revues spécialisées. Au problème de son absence d’excréments s’était ajouté le problème de sa reproduction car il ne semblait doté d’aucun des attributs habituels nécessaires. Il n’était manifestement pas sexué et unique de son espèce. De nombreuses hypothèses étaient formulées mais les scientifiques spéculaient surtout sur la continuité de sa croissance. La plupart prédisaient l’arrêt imminent de celle-ci et alors apparaitraient de nouveaux organes : il ne pouvait en être autrement pour eux. Des recherches étaient faites dans le monde entier pour trouver un autre exemplaire de cette forme de vie, sans succès jusqu’à présent. Pour couvrir les frais que le ver m’occasionnait je demandais deux euros aux visiteurs, rares au début puis de plus en plus nombreux au fur et à mesure de sa croissance. Les curieux repartaient en hochant la tête comme quand ils sortent de la tente de la femme à barbe. Peu étaient touchés par son regard bien que des photographes aient publié de magnifiques clichés qui éclipsaient les beaux yeux des plus magnifiques mannequins de la planète.

         Les choses prirent un autre tour lorsque cinq ans plus tard le ver faisait cent mètres de long sur dix de large. Je n’avais pas pu continuer à l’héberger. D’une part je n’avais plus de solutions pour le loger et surtout je ne pouvais pas assurer sa protection car des associations venimeuses s’étaient créées pour réclamer la destruction de ce monstre au nom du principe de précaution. Car sa croissance, lente certes, se poursuivait inexorablement et cela n’était pas supportable aux réactionnaires et conservateurs de tous poils qui ne peuvent supporter l’idée même de l’inconnu, leur curiosité ne portant que sur le passé dans lequel aucun ver de ce type n’avait été observé. Un centre d’attraction tout proche m’avait proposé de l’accueillir en me garantissant de le protéger et ne rien tenter pour le détruire, quelle que puisse être son développement. Je le voyais tous les jours et son regard devenu immense dans des yeux de près d’un mètre de diamètre était toujours plus fascinant. Je le contemplais souvent pendant plus d’une heure. Parfois il me semblait qu’un dialogue s’installait entre nous jusqu’à ce que je prenne conscience que je ne faisais que parler à moi-même…

La suite du feuilleton au prochain numéro

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Mimie :

Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle ne fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau mais des lettres, des lettres de l’alphabet qui tombaient en vrac sur mes dalhias, au milieu des pieds de tomates, partout… . Je me ressaisis, courus arrêter le robinet et revins aussitôt au jardin. Les lettres étaient là, abandonnées paisiblement au coeur des pétales, d’autres en équilibre instable sur des feuilles, d’autres encore en désordre sur la pelouse.

C’était fou, c’était magique, c’était magnifique. Je courus ouvrir de nouveau le robinet et cela recommença ; si je tournais la virole pour arroser largement en pluie, c’étaient mille lettres qui jaillissaient en arc de cercle, si je tournais encore pour obtenir un jet puissant et dru, c’était une farandole de lettres qui giclaient en flot ininterrompu comme si elles se donnaient la main avant de sortir. J’étais une fillette avec un nouveau jouet, je m’amusais à arroser en l’air, et là c’était une pluie de lettres qui me tombait sur la tête. Je tournais à toute vitesse sur  moi-même tout robinet ouvert, et j’avais une jupe flottante faite de milliers de lettres qui voltigeaient et virevoltaient autour de moi.

C’était fou, c’était magique, c’était magnifique. Je me mis à viser les trous de taupe pour voir si les lettres allaient rentrer ou rester à la surface ; non, elles rentraient dans les trous, parfois des majuscules se coinçaient un peu, mais très vite quelques minuscules sortaient du jet et les précipitaient sous terre.

Elles devaient bien se demander ce qui se passait, les taupes, déjà qu’elles ne devaient  pas apprécier quand j’inondais leurs trous pour les inciter à partir ailleurs !  Et puis d’abord, est-ce que ça pense, une taupe, est-ce que ça a des états d’âme ? Je laissai cette interrogation en l’air et partis vers le bassin des poissons, et j’arrosai encore, les lettres se déposèrent sur l’eau, puis peu à peu coulèrent, quelques-unes restèrent posées sur les feuilles de nénuphar, bah c’était moins drôle qu’ailleurs, alors je partis pour de nouvelles aventures, tuyau en main.

J’arrosai dans toutes les directions, sans plus rien viser spécialement, une véritable tempête de lettres, partout, j’étais dans un dessin de Folon ! Je faisais flotter comme lui des objets inattendus dans les airs. Ah, Folon, j’adore l’ambiance mélancolique, la tendresse de ses dessins, à la réalité à peine esquissée. Mais au fait, était-il toujours vivant, je me posai la question avec tellement d’acuité que j’abandonnai mon arrosage alphabétique pour aller deux secondes faire un tour sur mon ordi. Quand je revins au jardin, j’étais bouleversée, Folon venait de mourir. Nous étions le 20 octobre 2005, un bien triste jour …

Le charme était rompu, je repris le tuyau pour le ranger, il en tomba … quelques larmes. Je l’enroulai sur son support et revins au jardin, tristement. Et ce que je vis me ravit : les lettres qui étaient sur le gazon s’étaient mises en ordre et formaient des phrases, toutes sortes de phrases, la première que je lus disait « Ne sois pas triste, continue à rêver », la suivante : « Je suis vivant, regarde !», une autre encore : « A mon tour je m’envole ! »

C’était fou, c’était magique, c’était magnifique ! Je m’approchai des fleurs, les lettres tombées à terre formaient là encore des phrases et celles au cœur des pétales quelques mots, le monde de Folon:  apesanteur, ciel, liberté. J’allai vers les poissons et je vis qu’ils s’affairaient tous à la surface de l’eau et poussaient de leurs nageoires des lettres vers un recoin du bassin ; j’attendis quelques instants et pus lire les noms  bateau, homme-oiseau, voyage.

Folon venait de mourir, mais il était là, sa pensée, son style, son œuvre, tout était là, dans mon jardin, comme si Folon avait voulu m’envoyer un signe avant de s’envoler pour toujours. J’eus honte tout d’un coup d’avoir voulu noyer les taupes sous le flot de ces lettres de l’au-delà et courus vers leurs trous : un dernier message m’y attendait : la déclaration universelle des droits de l’homme et de la taupe …

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Pascaline

Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle ne fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau mais …

mais un canard, un petit canard jaune qui sortit en se dandinant. Il n’avait pas de plumes parce qu’il était un canard jaune de salle de bain. Les yeux écarquillés, je le regardais fixement, m’attendant à le voir disparaître en fumée, se transformer en poisson rouge, ou qui sait, en cygne, comme dans l’histoire. Je fermais les yeux. Les rouvrais. Il était encore là, marchant à travers l’herbe, comme si c’était normal. Ce n’était pas normal !!! J’avais envie de hurler mais j’avais peur de la réaction des voisins … et s’ils s’avisaient de venir regarder, et s’ils voyaient cela … quelle histoire cela ferait …

Je respirais fort. Refermais les yeux plus fort et plus longtemps. Me dis que je suis dans un rêve, évidemment.

EVIDEMMENT !!!

Cela claqua comme une évidence, comme une explication logique imparable qui du coup rendait la chose nettement plausible, voire, tout à fait naturelle. Il faisait chaud. Je dormais sûrement quelque part. Je rêvais de bain (d’où le canard, vous me suivez ? ) et voilà le travail.

Je soupirai maintenant d’aise et d’une intense jubilation. Un calme incroyable me submergea. Je souris … un rêve … ok ! Je fonçai ! Je me jetai à plat ventre en face du canard et décidai, les yeux dans les yeux, de lui parler, à la façon des chamans indiens : peut-être était-ce un animal totem incognito, masqué. Je m’allongeai devant son chemin qu’il suivait obstinément, les yeux figés. Je tentai une amorce de conversation :

–  Coin ?

Il passa à ras de mon nez sans daigner m’accorder un instant de réflexion.

– Coin poin toin ? essayai-je à tout hasard. Je doutais en effet profondément que les canards ne disent que coin.

Sans doute un de ces canards chinois …

–  Ga ga ? Ga ga ga ?   Mec mec ? Quak quak ?

Mais la même question en langue canarde chinoise, catalane et allemande ou anglaise (ces deux derniers peuples canards parlant visiblement la même langue), cette même question ne suscita aucun arrêt, aucune réponse.

Pendant que vous me suivez, vous demandant peut-être maintenant et pour la première fois comment parle un canard roumain, moi, eh bien moi, je suivais le canard. A quatre pattes. Comme Mowgli suivant les éléphants. Il s’enfonça dans la jungle des herbes d’été, moi à sa suite. Les coquelicots penchaient leur corolle sanglante par-dessus nous et nous fixaient de leur œil unique cyclopéen et ténébreux. Ils secouaient doucement leur tête au rythme du vent, dans un signe de dénégation en nous regardant passer. Décidément, ces humains nous auront tout fait, se disaient-ils d’un frémissement de pétales.  Je les ignorais superbement.

Brusque revirement du canard jaune qui me heurta le nez :

– Quoi ? !!

– « Cua cua » me répondit-il.

Enfin, je le tenais. Un espagnol !

Evidemment. Nous étions en période de migration et qui sait, peut-être venait-il de migrer, tout simplement.

Dès fois, les choses sont d’une telle logique …

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Hélène

Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle ne fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau ! mais des toutes petites billes bleuâtres veinées de blanc, tachetées d’ocre rouge … elles jaillissaient par milliers et faisaient un bruit étourdissant en tombant sur le sol, comme des grêlons un jour de mauvais temps … un instant plus tard, toute la cour était envahie de ces étranges mappemondes miniature.

Evidemment, j’étais stupéfaite ….  Je me précipitai dans la cuisine pour ouvrir le robinet ; le même phénomène apparut ! incroyable ! Que faisait donc Véolia ? Une expérience  novatrice, à caractère durable, au détriment de ses clients ? Au fait, avais-je bien réglé la dernière facture d’eau ?

Je passai le reste de la matinée à tenter de comprendre ce qui se passait, en appellant mes amis, la mairie … et puis également les services concernés chez Véolia, qui me renvoyèrent vers d’autres services pas plus concernés que les précédents …

Bien sûr, personne ne me croyait, on me conseilla d’appeler SOS médecins, ou d’aller faire vérifier ma vue chez l’opticien … pour couronner le tout, mon chat, d’habitude si calme, n’arrêtait pas de miauler et de se faufiler entre mes jambes. Il m’empêchait de passer, sautait du canapé à la table … un vrai diable ! Et cette chaleur qui n’arrangeait rien !

Vers midi, épuisée par tous ces événements, je me préparai un repas sur le pouce et je m’endormis aussitôt après avoir mangé, le téléphone à portée de main -juste au cas où Véolia me donnerai de ses nouvelles – on peut rêver ….

Des bruits étranges m’extirpèrent brusquement de mon sommeil. C’étaient des sortes de sifflements aigus, suivis de brefs claquements… cela ne ressemblait à rien de connu. Cela venait de la cour, j’en étais sûre. Et si, en plus, un voleur essayait de s’introduire chez moi ? Avec mille précautions, je soulevai le rideau du salon, et je vis la chose la plus étrange du monde…

Des  plantes bleues germaient à partir des billes qui étaient tombées sur la terre du jardin, dans les pots, les bacs … cette « germination » se faisait en accéléré, la tige bleue turquoise marbrée de blanc de chaque plante atteignait rapidement la hauteur des végétaux du jardin avec un sifflement désagréable :

SSSSZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIII !!!!! schhhHHHHHHHHIIIISSSSSZZZZZ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ensuite une fleur noire et jaune s’épanouissait au sommet de chaque  tige, en quelques secondes.

Je refermai brutalement le rideau devant ce spectacle inhabituel… qu’est-ce qui se passait donc ? Apparemment, j’étais la seule à vivre cette expérience. Il n’y avait aucune allusion de ce phénomène à la télévision. Mon iphone dernier cri ne m’avait averti de rien non plus…

En jetant à nouveau un bref coup d’œil à l’extérieur, je vis que je n’avais pas rêvé. Les plantes bleues étaient bien là, et de plus en plus nombreuses. Et je n’étais pas au bout de mes surprises. En effet, des insectes ressemblant à des papillons jaillissaient par centaines des fleurs multicolores.  C’est ce dernier phénomène qui produisait le claquement que j’avais entendu pendant mon sommeil.

Le chat n’en pouvait plus, il miaulait et tournait en rond comme un fou. Il essayait d’attraper les insectes volants en bondissantcomme un kangourou, malgré la vitre qui l’en empêchait.

-Et moi qui ait une trouille bleue des insectes ! C’est bien ma chance ! m’excamai-je tout haut, nerveusement.

Heureusement, et justement parce que je crains les petites bêtes, je suis équipée de toutes sortes d’aérosols, de flacons anti- ceci ou anti-cela … bref, mon garage regorge d’insecticides en tous genres.

Je ne réfléchis pas davantage : je m’équipai d’un masque anti-acariens, de gants mappa, d’une charlotte sur la tête, d’huiles essentielles anti-moustiques sur les tibias et en avant ! la lutte allait être sans merci !

J’avais pris la bombe de KGEBEX 3000, l’insecticide qui « tue plus vite que son ombre » d’après la pub. Une arme redoutable, qui fonctionne par tous temps, sur tous types d’insectes.

J’ai ouvert la porte fenêtre et j’ai aspergé les plantes, vite, vite, vite ! je tournoyais , rampais, ondulais le long du mur … c’était une bataille sanglante. A travers le nuage d’insecticide j’apercevais les corps des bestioles qui crevaient sur le sol, en se tortillant dans une dernière et vaine tentative d’échapper au poison mortel.. Mais elles n’avaient aucune chance de s’en sortir.

A la fin, épuisée, je retirai mon masque et contemplai la scène. Tout était incroyablement calme …. Même les miaulements de mon minou avaient cessé. En me retournant, je l’aperçus, étendu sur mon transat bleu turquoise – acheté en kit chez KiKaka pour seulement 34 euros. Je compris aussitôt pourquoi il ne miaulait plus. Lui non plus n’avait pas aimé le KGEBEX.  Il s’étouffait en crachant du sang.

-Karolus ! Mon minou !

Je me précipitai sur lui. « Quelle imbécile ! Je n’aurais pas dû le laisser sortir ! »

J’avais oublié les cadavres d’insectes, les plantes bleues, les billes bizarroïdes et tout le reste. Je rentrai en portant Karolus, qui mourut dans mes bras quelques instant plus tard. Il me tendait la patte tendrement.

J’étais bouleversée. Mais j’avais aussi le sentiment confus d’être comme une enfant qui contemple la bêtise qu’elle vient de faire.

 

Je n’ai jamais parlé à personne de cette étrange aventure. J’ai compris beaucoup plus tard ce qui s’était passé. Deux jours avant, j’avais aspergé la cour d’un cocktail explosif composé de 45 désherbants et 32 fertilisants. Je croyais dur comme fer que mon jardin et ma cour seraient splendides après ce traitement. Mais je n’avais pas imaginé que cela provoquerait des mutations biologiques sur les plantes et les insectes de mon petit paradis ! L’ADN des organismes vivants s’était transformé, et le résultat, je l’avais bien vu, c’était ces papillons monstrueux et ces plantes à la croissance accélérée… Même l’eau avait « muté » !

Bien sûr, j’ai jeté à la poubelle ma bombe de KGEBEX et je n’en ai plus jmais racheté… quand mes yeux se posent par hasard sur le petit flacon de billes bleues que j’ai gardé dans la cuisine, je me dis que le purin d’ortie et un peu de savon noir suffisent à éliminer les nuisibles.  Quand une mouche, un moustique ou tout autre bestiole s’approche trop près de moi, je respire à fond l’air pur de mon jardin en pensant très fort à Karolus.

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Avec la canicule de ces derniers jours, je décidai ce matin d’arroser mon jardin, mais quelle ne fut ma surprise, ce n’est pas de l’eau qui sortit du tuyau mais… des grenouilles !
Plop, plop, plop, les unes après les autres elles sortaient telles des balles de ping-pong rebondissantes, je me retrouvai soudain avec une mare coâssante au milieu du jardin. Je me hâtai de fermer bien vite le tuyau mais un cri épouvantable me fit aussitôt renoncer à mon geste malheureux, je venais en effet de coincer la tête de l’une d’entre elles dans le mécanisme du robinet. « Ben quoâââ, on a perdu ses bonnes manières… » J’étais déjà abasourdie par la floppée verte inattendue qui venait de jaillir de mon tuyau d’arrosage que je crus défaillir en l’entendant parler, c’en était trop pour moi et je commençai à tourner de l’oeil lorsque la meute bondissante se regroupa sous moi pour amortir ma chute. J’entendis à nouveau la voix : « Holà, damoiselle… c’est pas le moment, on a besoin de vous » Je repris mes esprits et je m’entendis répartir : « Tomber dans les pommes je veux bien mais dans les grenouilles c’est la première fois que ça m’arrive » « Quand je vous aurai raconté toute l’histoire, vous n’aurez cesse de nous tomber dans les bras » répondit la voix avec un air coquin. C’était la grenouille que j’avais failli étrangler, elle était toute proche de mon visage alors que je gisais à terre et je vis qu’elle accompagnait ses paroles mystérieuses d’un clin d’oeil entendu. J’hallucinais, la chaleur sans doute, déshydratée, voilà… j’étais déshydratée et je délirais. Mon petit cerveau étriqué n’arrivait pas à concevoir ce qui était en train de se passer et cherchait en vain une explication rationnelle. Je m’assis dans l’herbe entourée de l’assemblée verte aux yeux globuleux qui me regardaient tendrement. Visiblement, on attendait quelque chose de moi, mais coâ… ?
La grenouille qui semblait mener le troupeau s’apprêta à prendre la parole lorsqu’un cri perçant jaillit de derrière la haie toute proche, visiblement ma voisine venait d’expérimenter la même aventure que moi mais pas avec la même réaction. Je l’entendis détaler fissa hurlant de sa voix de crécelle. Connaissant sa phobie du monde animal  » sauvage  » je n’en fus pas plus étonnée que ça. En dehors de son chat Gonzague, un chartreux paresseux et dédaigneux, elle ne connaissait rien à la faune locale, sa maison de campagne ne lui servant que de prétexte à prendre l’air et à élever maladroitement quelques hortensias. A l’heure qu’il est, elle devait être déjà loin, au moins ses baskets de jogging strassées à la dernière mode lui servaient présentement à quelque chose. « Erreur d’aiguilllage » fit laconiquement la grenouille et nous vîmes se radiner quelques retardataires qui vinrent se joindre au groupe. Il en fut de même après qu’un chapelet de jurons jusqu’alors inconnus de mes oreilles retentisse de la ferme située un peu plus bas. Ce brave Ernest a dû penser à une mauvaise blague de ses  »ptiots-infins » lorsqu’il a voulu donner à boire à son âne…
J’avoue que j’attendais la suite des événements avec une certaine impatience. Quelques gloussements étouffés troublèrent le silence retrouvé et la grenouille prit la parole : « Mes amis, soyez discrets je vous en prie, il en va de votre vie, vous connaissez comme moi le goût des Bressans pour les cuisses persillées et je ne vous parle pas de celles d’une demoiselle grassouillette en goguette… » Quelques coâssements discrets vinrent approuver le discours et puis de nouveau le silence s’installa. Ma curiosité était piquée à vif mais j’allais bientôt être rassasiée. « Voilà… » et j’entendis le récit étrange de ces grenouilles arrivées par mon tuyau d’arrosage. J’appris qu’une fée  »exauce-souhaits » dévolue à réaliser mes voeux m’avait été attribuée lors de ma naissance. Mais on m’avait confiée à
une novice qui s’était un peu embrouillé les baguettes lors de ses premièes années d’office. Ainsi, lorsque je lisais des contes de fées enfant, à chacune de mes pensées de vivre une rencontre avec un prince charmant, ma dévouée compagne de l’invisible créait la situation sans se douter que chez les humains cela ne fonctionnait pas tout à fait de la même manière. Mon histoire préférée étant celle de  »La Grenouille et la Princesse », lu et relue, rêvée et imaginée tant de fois avec mon cœur sincère et innocent de petite fille, elle voulut me faire plaisir en essayant maladroitement l’alchimie du conte, si bien qu’à chaque fois elle s’est retrouvée avec une grenouille, n’ayant pas la formule magique pour annuler le sort puisque, toujours selon le conte, c’est moi seule qui en avais le pouvoir. C’est ainsi qu’elles se sont accumulées.
En ce qui concerne l’arrivée par le système d’arrosage, ayant encore l’habitude de faire des vœux lorsque, comme tous les soirs, le nez en l’air, je regarde les étoiles, je me suis souvenue avoir demandé à l’univers de me  »déboucher des tuyaux » concernant certaines incompréhensions que j’ai de ma vie et je crois que ma fée a pris cela au pied de la lettre et en a profité pour rectifier ses erreurs de jeunesse.
En ce jour de canicule, je me retrouvai donc à embrasser quelques dizaines de grenouilles afin de les libérer de leur sort, les transformant au fur et à mesure en de charmants garçonnets ou jeunes hommes affables avant de disparaître et de retourner au monde auquel ils appartiennent.
Ma bonne fée a pris de la bouteille et se sert mainteant de sa baguette à bon escient… enfin, je crois… je vais quand même faire attention à ce que je demande.
Hé, pas la peine de raconter ça à quiconque, personne ne vous croirait !

 

 

 

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