Mariage anglo-saxon (oct 2015)

Sujet :

Je ne suis pas une « femme sous influence », néanmoins j’ai encore la tête pleine du mariage de ma fille samedi dernier avec le fils d’Anne-Marie, membre de notre groupe 2014 2015. Aussi le mariage sera-t-il le point de départ de cette proposition :

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais », au fond de l’église quelqu’un se leva et et …..

….. et je vous propose de continuer l’histoire !!!! Mais afin de s’amuser un peu, je vous demande de « caser » dans votre texte les mots et expressions suivants :

– manger ses frites avec les doigts
– creuser sa tombe
– monter des blancs en neige
– ne rien trouver à se mettre
– passer l’éponge
– avoir un quart d’heure de retard
– s’en faire un monde
– jouer du piano debout
– piment d’Espelette
– poussière d’étoiles
– colle universelle
– trésors du sous-sol
– pâte à crêpes

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Jean :

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais », on entendit au fond de l’église quelqu’un se lever et …..
…crier : « Maman ! pipi ! »
Toute la noce éclata de rire. Les « pas encore mariés » se retournèrent vers l’auteur de cette phrase mémorable : c’était Riri le fils de la presque mariée. Il trottina vers sa maman en se tortillant ; elle fit le geste d’aller vers lui, mais la grand’mère se précipita et entraina Riri vers la porte de l’église.
Chacun reprit sa position, le sourire aux lèvres. Le prêtre crut utile de répéter sa formule : « …qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais !»
On entendit alors un strident coup de frein et un hurlement atroce venant du parvis de l’église.
Les sourires se figèrent et chacun se tourna brusquement vers le portail de l’église resté ouvert. Des portes claquèrent, des pas pressés sur les dalles, et la mère de la mariée cria : « C’est un chat ! C’est un chat qui s’est fait écraser ! C’est bien triste ! Mais…reprenez la cérémonie ! Reprenez la cérémonie ! »
Les conversations bruissaient dans toute l’assistance, la mariée était devenue aussi blanche que sa robe et son compagnon la prit dans ses bras un instant pendant que le prêtre ramassait les papiers qu’il avait laissé échapper.
Il se racla la gorge et demanda plusieurs fois de se taire. Peu à peu le silence revint, un silence lourd et gêné.
« … qu’il parle maintenant ou se taise à jamais ! »
Chacun avait l’oreille aux aguets. Qu’allait-il encore se passer. On entendait les mouches bourdonner et…
…les cloches se mirent à carillonner à toute volée.
Un grand « Oh !c’est pas vrai ! » retentit dans les travées et les conversations, les exclamations reprirent de plus belle. Le prêtre se tourna vers le bedeau qui, cramoisi, tapotait avec acharnement sur sa télécommande qu’il avait manipulé inconsciemment pendant l’incident précédent. Sans succès. On entendit donc pendant cinq bonnes minutes le carillon annoncer un mariage qui n’avait pas encore eu lieu. L’énervement était à son comble ! Les garçons d’honneur essayaient de détendre l’ambiance mais ce n’était guère facile dans une église : pas question de sortir les trompettes en carton et les cotillons ! Le prêtre regardait sa montre. Il allait avoir un bon quart d’heure de retard. Or, on l’attendait à l’autre bout du canton pour l’enterrement d’un notable important qui devait rassembler toutes les autorités de la région dont notamment son évêque, lequel devait y prononcer un discours marquant.
Dès la fin du carillon il tapota nerveusement sur son micro pour rétablir le silence et décida de ne pas répéter sa formule provocatrice. « Puisque personne ne s’y oppose, je vais… »
« Attendez, s’exclama d’une voix sépulcrale un homme mal fagoté, comme s’il n’avait rien trouvé à se mettre, qui apparut par la porte de côté menant au presbytère ; « Attendez cette femme est ma femme et Riri est mon enfant ! »
La mariée s’effondra en larmes, son compagnon roulait des yeux exorbités et le brouhaha monta à son comble. Et de nouveau des freins crissèrent, des portes claquèrent et, surgissant du parvis et du presbytère, trois infirmiers musclés se précipitèrent sur l’homme en noir et l’emportèrent rapidement hors de l’église.
La mariée pleurait doucement. Son compagnon et le curé écoutaient les explications de son père : « C’est un ancien camarade de ma fille qui est devenu fou et interné ; il a dû s’échapper et il est venu ici faire du scandale ; c’est un malheureux ; il ne faut pas s’en faire un monde. Monsieur le curé, pouvons-nous en terminer rapidement, maintenant, je vous prie ? » « Espérons, mon fils, qu’il n’y ait pas d’autre incident. Je suis aussi pressé. Si vous le voulez bien nous nous contenterons d’une bénédiction ! »
Puis tout alla très vite. Dans un tohubohu qui allait grandissant, la mariée chancelante prononça un oui inaudible, son enfin mari acquiesça l’air ahuri et tout le monde quitta l’église dans une cohue indigne de la procession attendue.
Malgré tout, comme les émotions, ça creuse, le buffet qui attendait les convives fut pris d’assaut, Chacun creusait sa tombe avec ses dents, engloutissant les frites avec les doigts, déglutissant avidement les truffes et autres trésors du sous-sol, saupoudrant la pâte à crêpes de piment d’Espelette, se barbouillant de blancs en neige, et noyant toute cette mangeaille sous des flots de champagne frelaté. Passons l’éponge sur ces frasques festives. A la nuit tombée les plus résistants erraient encore sur la pelouse au son désaccordé d’un piano raccommodé avec de la colle universelle, qu’on avait traîné dehors, et sur lequel un musicien débutant jouait debout.
Puis une poussière d’étoiles tomba du ciel… sur le lit de Mimie qui se dressa échevelée et toute en sueur : c’était Samedi et aujourd’hui elle mariait sa fille !

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Mimie :

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais », au fond de l’église quelqu’un se leva et s’exprima en ces termes :

– Moi, Augustine Victorine DENAT-FAVRE, je m’oppose à cette union. Cet homme n’est que de la poussière d’étoiles, il brille peut-être devant nous tous, mais il est vide à l’intérieur ; sa fiancée s’est laissée éblouir par la sécurité qu’il paraissait lui offrir, mais il n’en est rien. Certes il est un excellent pâtissier, il sait monter des blancs en neige au fouet comme personne, sa pâte à crêpes est réputée à des kilomètres à la ronde, mais ses talents s’arrêtent là. L’avez-vous bien regardé, cet homme qui arrive à son mariage en ayant un quart d’heure de retard, qui creuse sa tombe avec ses dents tellement il s’empiffre à longueur de journée dans sa pâtisserie. Il ne sera d’aucun secours pour sa femme qui ne pourra jamais compter sur lui.

Je l’ai bien connu quand il n’était encore qu’un enfant, un sale chenapan qui mangeait ses frites avec les doigts et essuyait ensuite ses mains grasses, en faisant semblant de lui faire un câlin, sur la blouse de de sa pauvre mère ; laquelle ne trouvait plus rien à lui mettre tellement il se bagarrait, faisait les 400 coups dans le village et revenait les habits déchirés, les genoux en sang. Quand sa mère ravaudait une xième fois ses pantalons, il n’avait même pas de pitié pour elle et se moquait en lui disant : « Bah, t’as qu’à mettre de la colle universelle, de toute façon je reviendrai pareil demain ! »

Non, Berthe, vous ne pouvez pas épouser cet homme, vous vous en faites un monde, du futur, de l’avenir, parce que vous êtes orpheline, mais de là à épouser cet homme, non, il ne vous apportera jamais aucun soutien, vous n’avez pas besoin de lui, cherchez votre force en vous et pas dans autrui. Oui il joue du piano debout, et alors, c’est juste parce qu’il est trop petit. N’oubliez pas comment il a ruiné votre pauvre mère, vous voudriez maintenant passer l’éponge !! Non, Berthe, quand bien même je devrais manger toute une guirlande de piments d’Espelette sans pouvoir ni boire d’eau ni manger de pain après, je vous empêcherais de dire oui. Vous vouliez devenir géologue, découvrir les trésors du sous-sol dans le monde entier, hé bien, n’allez pas si loin : cherchez les trésors de cet homme, et vous verrez que j’ai raison, il n’a rien au fond de lui, il n’est fait que de vent, comme ses blancs en neige !!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gisèle

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant ou se taise à jamais, » on entendit, au fond de l’église, quelqu’un se lever et se diriger lentement vers l’autel…..
C’était une femme, entre deux âges, d’aspect négligé, tenant dans ses bras, un bébé de quelques mois. Elle s’avançait, les yeux baissés, attentive à ne pas secouer sa charge endormie. L’assistance, médusée, suivait sa progression. Tout au bout de l’allée centrale, Virginie Depierre, la future mariée, aussi blanche que sa robe, pailletée d’une poussière d’étoiles, fit entendre une plainte déchirante, se détourna, laissa tomber son bouquet et courut se réfugier dans la sacristie .
Quant à Thomas Duverney, le futur marié, très rouge, il balbutia « mais…mais. Je ne suis pas bigame…je ne t’ai pas épousée… »
« C’est pourtant tout comme », répondit la femme, en lui présentant son rejeton. Le curé acquiesça et tenta de parler alors que la foule se levait, indignée, dans un charivari de chaises renversées et d’exclamations véhémentes.
Saisissant alors son micro, le prêtre s’éclaircit la voix :
« Mes bien chers frères,
Mes bien chères sœurs,
Avec un retard d’un quart d’heure,
Nous allons tous en chœur,
Assister à une nouvelle union,
Si, toutefois, les deux nouvelles parties y consentent.»
Des exclamations fusèrent et tous les regards se tournèrent vers le futur marié.
-Il n’en est pas question ! s’écria Thomas. Cette femme est Léone Billet, ma cuisinière et cet enfant est le stratagème qu’elle a trouvé pour se faire épouser » !
Le silence se fit progressivement dans l’assemblée qui contemplait les épaules de Léone secouées de sanglots muets. Le bébé s’était réveillé et commençait à geindre. Des chuchotis couraient d’un siège à l’autre et de rangée en rangée, jusqu’au bout des bas-côtés.
« -Qué malheur, tout d’même, c’te Léone, une vraie couratière ! Pas d’ blanc à l’œil !
-C’est t’y pas la Léone au père Mathieu ? Celle qui mange ses frites avec ses doigts ?
-Ben oui, même que le docteur lui a dit, un jour, qu’elle creusait sa tombe avec ses dents !
-Elle s’en fait un monde de ce p’tiot ! Et la v’là à la rue maint’nant. C’est pas le Thomas qui va la garder, tu penses! Et quelle avoinée, elle va prendre !»
Une débandade s’ensuivit et la foule recula vers la sortie de l’église, toute à ses commentaires acides.
Le lendemain, dès l’aurore, le village était en ébullition. Les commères, au sortir du marché, rapprochaient leurs têtes pour se communiquer les derniers détails croustillants du scandale.
« Ben, la Virginie, elle va avoir du mal à passer l’éponge. Tu crois que le Thomas va avoir le culot de la redemander en mariage ?
-Hier soir, en gremaillant les noix, chez la Maria, je me suis laissé dire que oui, il espère toujours ! Mais que la Léone va nous quitter pour travailler à Billiat chez Legendre.
-Pour sûr, elle a vite retrouvé un boulot. Mais, ya pas à dire, c’est une très bonne cuisinière : le Thomas, s’il lui a gonflé le ventre, l’avait, lui aussi, grâce à elle, bien rebondi ! »
Une tempête de rires s’ensuivit.
« Même qu’elle monte les blancs en neige comme pas une ! En deux temps, trois mouvements ! Et j’te dis pas, sa pâte à crêpes : légère, mousseuse, un paradis !
-Moi, à la noce du Jeannot Delacroix, l’an passé, j’ai goûté son lapin au piment d’Espelette : à se lécher les doigts jusqu’au coude !
– ‘Coute voire, c’est pas à c’te noce, que le frère au Jeannot, saoul comme une barrique, a joué du piano debout, parce qu’on lui avait caché son tabouret ?
-Le même tabouret, enduit de colle universelle, où la Maria est restée collée, tu penses ! Les cris qu’elle poussait !
-Ben oui, même qu’au matin, on a retrouvé les mariés dans leur lit, et on leur a présenté le pot de chambre. Le Raymond, pas dessoulé, leur a crié « c’est pour y mettre vos trésors du sous-sol ! » Quelle rigolade ! On se tenait tous le ventre ! J’en ai pissé dans ma culotte !
-Comme j’te dis, c’était plus gai que la noce d’hier et le Thomas, quel emplâtre, aussi ! Il fera moins le fier. Vous savez pas ? Ben oui, le Cyprien, à son passage, lui a lâché les chiens : tu verrais son costume de marié !!!
Les commères se tordaient de rire et les enfants lançaient des épluchures sur les fenêtres du Thomas.
Quel séisme, mes amis ! Tout le canton en fit ses choux gras : le journal de la Tribune Républicaine ne manqua pas de relater ce scandale à la une.
La fin de l’histoire ? Le Thomas et la Virginie restèrent célibataires…

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Hélène

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais », on entendit au fond de l’église quelqu’un se lever et crier :

« OUI, MOI ! MOI ! »

Une jeune femme l’air tout à fait ordinaire s’est avancée devant l’autel, hurlant comme une folle.

« Je m’y oppose formellement ! Cet homme est déjà marié à mon amie d’enfance ! Anita, ma tendre et chère Anita ! Elle était tout pour moi, et tellement douée pour la musique ; elle aimait tant jouer du piano debout pendant que moi je chantais des airs d’opéras couchée…un duo improbable mais qui a connu de si grands succès dans le monde entier ! Anita, où es-tu maintenant ? Qu’avez-vous fait d’Anita, Mr Indigo ?»

J’ai pensé que c’était pas mal du tout, le petit jeu de l’amie éplorée…alors moi j’ai joué le rôle de l’homme offensé et fâché. Très fâché qu’on me prenne pour un imposteur.

« Mais Madame, vous êtes complètement folle ! Je ne vois pas de quoi vous parlez…Je n’ai jamais été marié à cette prétendue Anita…Anita comment au fait ? »

« Mademoiselle Anita Perrot ! Arrêtez de mentir devant tous ces gens et devant Dieu monsieur, et montrez-nous votre vrai visage, celui d’un homme qui veut devenir polygame ! »

J’allais répondre à cette pauvre fille un truc qui lui clouerait le bec quand j’ai entendu de gros sanglots qui venaient de ma droite ; c’étaient ceux d’une black plantureuse, la cinquantaine passée, déguisée pour l’occasion avec un tailleur et un chapeau grisâtres à fleurs jaunes. Elle maigrissait à vue d’œil à force de pleurer. Elle s’est approchée du prêtre et de ma future qui blêmissait.

Cet espèce de gros hippopotame fleuri s’est mis à bafouiller entre deux sanglots :

« Mon frère, n’écoutez pas ces mécréants ! C’est avec ma fille, ma gazelle si gracieuse, que cette espèce de vieux est déjà marié ! Il l’a épousée il y a deux ans à Djibouti ! Par Allah, je jure que c’est vrai ! Et ma princesse a disparu depuis qu’elle est mariée… elle adorait la mode, elle voulait ouvrir un magasin de couture à Paris… elle était tellement excitée de découvrir la France que le grand jour du départ elle ne trouvait rien à se mettre de correct, elle qui était si coquette, si gracieuse ! Le jour où elle m’a présenté ce type, j’ai senti tout de suite qu’il était louche! Je vous jure, je le reconnais, C’EST LUI ! Il l’a mise où ma fille, mon trésor ?

Et la grosse dondon s’est remise à pleurnicher… elle était dans tous ses états, son horrible chapeau tombait… moi j’avais de plus en plus chaud, le costume c’est pas trop mon truc, surtout l’été. A côté de moi, ma compagne était bouche bée, son bouquet de roses blanches commençait à faner, son maquillage coulait lamentablement. Le curé n’en menait pas large non plus. Dans l’église, la température et le brouhaha montaient de concert. J’aimais pas trop l’ambiance…il aurait fallu que je dise quelque chose mais j’avais tout oublié, ça devait être la chaleur qui ramollissait le cerveau. Tout à coup, une main m’a tapoté l’épaule ; je me suis retourné et j’ai aperçu une grande bringue d’une trentaine d’années, couverte comme un pot de miel alors qu’il faisait plus de trente degrés sous abri. Elle a empoigné le micro qui était devant le curé et nous a débité son discours pratiquement sans respirer :

«Bonjour mesdames et messieurs, je prends la parole car il y va de ma réputation de m’opposer à ce mariage ! Et la réalité est bien différente de ce que vous avez entendu, oh oui ! Il faut que vous sachiez tous que Mr Indigo s’est marié il y a deux ans, avec Ludmila Popov, une grande et belle femme, pas du tout à Djibouti mais dans la chapelle de sa résidence à Fontainebleau ! J’étais déjà au service de Mr Indigo à cette époque, et j’ai tout vu ! Ludmila était une femme rousse très très belle. Un peu maniérée –elle n’était pas le genre à manger ses frites avec les doigts si vous voyez ce que je veux dire -mais très aimable avec le personnel. Et puis elle adorait les gourmandises ; un jour, je me souviens, elle s’ennuyait au manoir ; alors elle m’a demandé si elle pouvait se mettre aux fourneaux ; elle m’a dit «j’ai une fooooolle envie de crêpes » ; franchement, je ne veux pas être vexante mais elle ne savait vraiment rien faire de ses dix doigts…même pas une pâte à crêpes ! Elle avait monté des blancs en neige et ajouté du piment d’Espelette pour préparer la pâte ! C’était une dame vraiment gentille, elle m’aimait bien je crois, il nous arrivait d’avoir des conversations un peu intimes entre nous…Un matin, alors qu’il était en voyage, elle m’a avoué qu’elle avait trouvé le trousseau de clefs de son mari et qu’elle avait découvert « des trésors du sous sol au grenier » mais aussi « des choses horribles » et qu’elle craignait pour sa vie …»

Alors là j’ai feint la grande surprise, et j’ai tout de suite réagi. J’ai arraché le micro des mains de cette prétendue bonniche et j’ai clamé mon innocence.

« Mais qu’est-ce que c’est que cet espèce de procès qu’on me fait depuis le début? On n’est plus dans une église mais dans un tribunal ! Mon père, réagissez, faites quelque chose ! »

Le curé n’en pouvait plus ; il en avait perdu son latin depuis longtemps… déjà en temps normal, quand il n’apprenait pas par cœur son laïus, cet homme avait une fâcheuse tendance à bégayer, ce qui est un handicap pour exercer son métier… mais à ce moment-là de l’intrigue, seuls des sons totalement inintelligibles sortaient de sa bouche. J’ai pris les devants et ordonné aux enfants de chœur de faire sortir la bonne, mais ces braves gosses n’osaient pas.

C’est alors qu’on a entendu quelqu’un aboyer du fond de l’église :

«Ah non excusez-moi Rébecca n’était pas du tout comme vous dites ! »

J’ai vaguement distingué la silhouette d’une bonne femme –encore une, décidément !– elle était tellement petite qu’elle était noyée dans l’assistance, comme un petit canard surnageant dans une baignoire.

« Elle était brune et myope comme une chouette, et puis elle était plus petite que moi…toujours très simple, mais affable, et puis c’était une sacrée bosseuse ! ! »

Sa voix grave résonnait dans toute l’église, c’était étonnant, cette grosse voix qui sortait d’un corps aussi petit. Je me suis dit que je n’aurais jamais épousé sa collègue dans la vraie vie, avec le portrait qu’elle en faisait…

« Elle a rencontré cet homme sur Meetic –elle m’a désigné du doigt – j’ai vu au moins trente mille photos de lui sur l’ordi de Rébecca, je le reconnais ! En plus j’ai été le témoin de leur mariage, il y a un an environ, à l’église Notre-Dame !»

« Monsieur, ca…ca….calmez-vous ! Nous za…za…zaaaallons continuer la ssssssérémo..mo…nie ! Où sont les…les…les zaa..les zalliances ? »

Tiens ! Voilà le curé qui se réveille! Moi qui croyais que son liquide céphalo-rachidien avait surchauffé avec la canicule… mais manque de bol pour lui, il était un peu à côté de la plaque… la copine-collègue ne se laissait pas démonter et a continué :

« Avec Rébecca nous avions réussi à fabriquer une colle universelle, les derniers tests étaient très concluants, on allait passer à l’étape industrielle… notre produit permettait même de recoller les morceaux des ménages en difficulté. Mais depuis quinze jours je … »

Les conversations animées de l’assemblée ont couvert la fin de son discours ; on allait bientôt assister à un chahut digne d’une classe de troisième en fin d’année. Le climat dans l’église, lui, était celui d’une fin d’après-midi dans la forêt amazonienne… ma pauvre Camille, dans sa robe couleur Chantilly en forme de pièce montée montrait de sérieux signes de faiblesse. Je voyais ses parents, assis au premier rang, complètement éberlués. Quand je pense que mon beau-père voulait « un mariage dont on se souviendrait pendant longtemps », il était servi…

Quand j’ai aperçu un petit vieux s’approcher de Camille, j’ai cru qu’il voulait la kidnapper car il n’avait pas l’air honnête –après tout pourquoi pas, au point où on en était- mais il a pris le micro et d’un air décidé il nous a dit :

« MAIS VOUS VOUS TROMPEZ TOUS ! Bien sûr qu’il faut s’opposer à ce mariage car Mr Indigo est marié à MA fille qui n’est ni brune, ni noire ou je ne sais quoi mais blonde ! Bon, d’accord c’est pas un canon de beauté mais elle est bien blonde ! Ma fille est hypochondriaque, je crois bien qu’elle va à la pharmacie tous les jours… alors, à force, elle y fait des rencontres plus ou moins intéressantes…c’est là qu’elle a rencontré ce monsieur qui l’a conseillée par rapport à ses problèmes…de…de constipation il me semble…elle nous racontait tout, à ma femme et à moi. Pas vrai, Yvonne ? »

Il s’est tourné vers un petit bout de bonne femme ratatiné à côté de lui et a continué :

« Florence – Florence c’est ma fille – elle m’a dit quand elle est revenue de la pharmacie « Mr Indigo est un homme merveilleux, il connaît tout des maladies et il suit la même règle de vie que moi : les trois « C » : CŒUR CORPS CONSCIENCE ! c’est incroyable papa ! Et en plus il est ovo-végétalien , comme moi ! » Avec mon épouse on était bien content de cette rencontre pour notre fille qui n’osait même plus sortir de la maison, de peur d’attraper un virus, ou à cause des ondes, des poêles en téflon, et j’en passe…alors, vous pensez, un mariage, on était tellement heureux ! que ma fille ne me donne plus aucune nouvelle, à moi, son père, je passe l’éponge mais il faudrait qu’elle pense à sa mère quand même, c’est notre fille unique ! »

Et le papa a continué à parler, à parler ! Mais il s’adressait surtout à ses voisins et à sa chère Yvonne ; nous, bien sûr, on n’entendait plus rien avec le vacarme qu’il y avait dans l’église.

Mais je ne devais pas me laisser faire, c’était à mon tour d’intervenir, sinon les choses allaient empirer…à mon tour j’ai empoigné le micro et je me suis adressé à l’assistance d’un ton grave :

« Mesdames, messieurs, ne croyez pas un mot de tout ce que vous venez d’entendre, je vous assure que tout cela est une épouvantable méprise… »

Mais je n’ai pas pu continuer ; un jeune homme à la mèche rebelle s’est brusquement interposé entre moi et l’assemblée. Il a commencé à hurler :

«Méprise, MEPRISE ? MAIS C’EST VOUS QUI ETES MEPRISANT à l’égard des femmes, de toutes ces femmes que vous avez dupées…car moi je pense que notre confusion à nous tous vient du fait que vous les avez TOUTES EPOUSEES !!!! ET MA CHERE VANESSA AUSSI !!!!!! Mon amie, mon amante, ma chérie adorée… »

Il s’est effondré sur le sol de l’église, secoué par de gros sanglots. J’avais presque pitié de lui… un silence total régnait soudain dans l’église surchauffée….et puis le jeune s’est repris. Il s’est levé, s’est mouché dans un silence éprouvant et a continué :

« Elle qui était si ponctuelle pour nos rendez-vous amoureux, ce jour là elle avait plus d’un quart d‘heure de retard. Je l’ai appellée…et rappellée…en vain…j’ai essayé aussi le numéro de fixe que je ne devais utiliser qu’en cas d’extrême urgence car c’était la ligne de sa maison à Fontainebleau, là où elle vivait avec son mari…mais personne n’a répondu, je n’ai plus eu aucune nouvelle…elle a disparu de ma vie aussi soudainement que lorsqu’elle est apparue…je ne savais presque rien d’elle, elle m’avait juste laissé une photo d’elle avec son mari, ce type, là, une photo prise dans leur jardin de leur maison de campagne… et je peux vous dire que Vanessa n’était pas du tout le type de femme qui a été décrit par tous ces gens…non, Vanessa, elle était…fantastique…tellement plantureuse, tellement douce, tellement… »

On n’a jamais su à quel point Vanessa était fréquentable car ce pauvre gars s’est à nouveau écroulé au sol en beuglant…j’ai trouvé qu’il tenait très bien son rôle d’amant délaissé ! Bravo l’ami ! Je me suis penché vers lui pour l’aider à se relever quand nous avons tous entendu le prêtre prendre la parole. Il transpirait comme s’il avait couru un cent mètres mais il avait l’air sûr de ce qu’il voulait dire.

« Mes chccchhhhers frères, mes chchchchchères sœurs, je crois que vous vous …vous vous ….faites tout un monde de tr…trois fois rien…Moi aussi j’ai …j’ai…j’ai…bien connu l’épouse de ce chchchchcher Mr Indi…Indi…Indigo, elle était sssSSSssssi heureuse de rencon….rencon….con…contrer un homme aussi bon et pipi…pipi…pieux queque…que lui.. ; malheureusement cette pauvre ffffffemme, m’a…m’a…m’a t-on dit de sssssssource sûre, Dieu l’a rappe….rappellée à lui ! Monsssssieur Indi…Indi…Indigo est vvvveuf donc tttttout va bbiien ! »

Et je me suis empressé d’ajouter :

« Voilà, vous avez tous bien compris ? Je ne suis pas polygame, JE SUIS VEUF ! »

Je me suis tourné vers cette pauvre Camille qui reprenait quelques couleurs et j’ai vu sa sœur Anne s’approcher…Oh non, pitié, pas cette fille qui se prend pour Mme Irma…elle lit soi-disant l’avenir dans le marc de café, les nuages, la poussière des routes…ah ah ah !!! Que c’est drôle…elle fourre toujours son nez dans les affaires des autres…je devais absolument dissimuler ma méfiance à son égard. Elle aussi va vouloir y mettre son grain de sel… elle a sorti de son sac une espèce de boule en cristal qu’elle a posée sur l’autel et a commencé une espèce de one-woman show en pleine cérémonie ! Incroyable !

« Moi ce que je vois surtout… » a-t elle dit en roulant les yeux, « c’est que ce monsieur JOUE DOUBLE JEU…je vois.. je vois effectivement le décès brutal de son épouse, monsieur le curé vous aviez raison…mais en fait je vois PLUSIEURS DECES violents…un, deux, trois, quatre… » l’effroi se lisait sur son visage. Et puis elle s’est exclamée :

« SEPT ! sept décès !!! »

Dans l’église, cette fois-ci la panique était totale. Des femmes se sont évanouies, et pas seulement à cause de la chaleur ; des hommes se sont pris la tête et ont couru dans tous les sens… des prie-dieux ont été saccagés par la foule paniquée, qui essayait de plonger dans le bénitier pour se rafraîchir, il était trop petit évidemment pour contenir tout ce monde…ma future belle-sœur nous avait joué le grand jeu et ça marchait !!

C’est alors que le réalisateur Stan Lotansky s’est écrié :

COUPEZ ! C’est pas mal du tout, ça, les cocos ! Mais les techniciens me disent que les lumières vont péter à cause de la chaleur, faut tout arrêter pour ce soir …. Demain, même heure, même décor, on reprend toute la scène! A demain mes chéris !

Stan s’est tourné vers moi et Sarah, qui jouait le rôle de Camille. Stan a débité ses platitudes habituelles de fin de scène, « tu incarnais vraiment le personnage aujourd’hui », « la lumière sur ton visage était splendide ma belle» etc, etc…. En réalité il parlait davantage pour lui-même, et j’ai pensé que son égocentrisme allait le faire crever à petit feu.

J’ai filé aussi discrètement que possible vers ma loge ; j’ai dit à ma maquilleuse que je n’avais pas besoin d’elle, de toute façon mon maquillage avait coulé depuis longtemps avec cette fournaise. Et puis j’avais d’autres chats à fouetter.

Quand je suis sorti des studios, l’orage commençait à gronder. Il fallait que je me dépêche. Sur le parking, personne en vue…j’ai quand même jeté plusieurs coups d’œil, de tous les côtés, et je me suis faufilé près de ma mercedes. J’ai ouvert doucement le coffre. Elle était toujours là, elle m’avait attendue. J’ai caressé son bras blanc comme de la porcelaine, et puis j’ai refermé le coffre. Je me suis dit : « il ne faut pas que je tarde à rejoindre le bois de Tilouan…j’en ai bien pour une heure de route…j’ai un sacré boulot qui m’attend… tu sais, ma belle, j’y passerai la nuit s’il le faut à creuser ta tombe, une tombe à rendre jalouses les plus belles stars d’Hollywood…OK, ta carrière a été courte mais toi au moins tu ne deviendras jamais une starlette de bas étage qui vieillit mal et qui finit par avoir une peau de crocodile. Non, ne sois pas triste, parce que toi tu seras pour toujours une star immortelle, merveilleuse, une perle toute lisse, un éclat de beauté dans le ciel… ma poussière d’étoile, ma chérie, je t’aime à en crever…

———————————————————————————————————————-

Martine

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais », on entendit au fond de l’église quelqu’un se lever et une voix forte s’éleva de l’assistance. Tous se retournèrent dans un bel ensemble : les futurs mariés tout auréolés de leur bonheur à venir, mains unies, sourires béats s’apprêtant à prononcer le « oui » si longuement répété dans le miroir de la salle de bains, belle-maman maquillée à outrance sous sa large capeline, beau-papa, le souffle court dans sa chemise au col amidonné, monsieur le curé entouré de ses enfants de chœur , si charmants dans leur chasuble en dentelle immaculée …Tous, sans exception, se retournèrent comme un seul homme, stupéfaits, le regard rivé sur la porte du fond ….Qui, mais qui donc osait ainsi jeter un pavé dans cette mare si tranquille ? Ce qu’ils virent alors leur sembla tellement irréel qu’ils n’en crurent pas leurs yeux ébahis : une poussière d’étoiles pleuvait de la voûte dans une lumière éblouissante. Tous restèrent figés, osant à peine respirer. Etait-ce possible ? N’étaient-ils pas victimes d’une hallucination, d’un rêve ?
« Moi, Dieu tout puissant, descendu sur terre à cet instant présent, je m’oppose à cette union. »
Les cœurs cessèrent de battre, la stupeur emplit les yeux de chacun : le prêtre se signe, la mariée s’effondre dans les bras de son promis, belle-maman s’évanouit et son chapeau roule dans l’allée, grand-père tombe à genoux sur le prie-dieu, les vieilles bigotes serrent leur chapelet …Quelle confusion soudain dans l’assemblée, si sereine il y a quelques instants.
« Je viens aujourd’hui pour vous dire toute ma colère face à votre ingratitude , votre désinvolture et votre manque d’humilité. Croyez-vous donc qu’il vous suffise de pénétrer dans ma maison une fois tous les vingt ans pour obtenir grâce à mes yeux ? Toi, Michel qui te pavanes dans ton costume trois pièces mais qui manges ses frites avec les doigts, depuis quand ne t’es-tu pas agenouillé devant la croix ? Et toi Marianne qui arrives avec un quart d’heure de retard parce que tu n’arrivais pas à monter les blancs en neige pour la pièce montée de ce soir ? Suis-je moins important que ta réussite pâtissière ? Vous êtes tous coupables du pêché d’orgueil, de gourmandise et de tant d’autres ! Belle-maman qui ne trouvait rien à se mettre ce matin alors que son dressing regorge de trésors au sous-sol et qui dans sa rage obligea la bonne à passer l’éponge afin de faire reluire ses escarpins en arrivant aux portes de l’église ? »
Tous frémirent devant ces paroles de reproche. Dieu semblait vraiment très en colère. Qui allait être le prochain visé ? Le petit Henri qui se cachait derrière l’harmonium, se sentant prêt à avouer , rouge de honte, que c’était lui qui avait badigeonné le tabouret de colle universelle, obligeant l’organiste à jouer du piano debout ? Paul aurait bien voulu creuser sa tombe dans l’instant et y disparaître, redoutant que Dieu ne dévoile que c’était lui qui avait mis du piment d’Espélette dans la pâte à crêpes de grand-mère. Têtes baissées, tous écoutèrent Dieu continuer ses reproches et personne ne fut épargné.
« Pour votre pénitence, je vous condamne à vous mettre à genoux, face à l’autel et à faire votre examen de conscience. Monsieur le curé vous entendra en confession et s’il vous juge suffisamment repentis, il pourra alors prononcer les paroles sacrées du mariage. »
Les yeux rivés sur les dalles de l’église, personne ne vit le nuage de poussière scintillante s’élever jusqu’au plus haut des cieux. Là-haut, tout là-haut, Dieu s’assied à sa table de travail. Il caresse sa longue barbe blanche, il bâille .Il est fatigué.
« Je me fais vieux, pense-t-il, je me fais un monde de tous ces petits tracas que m’infligent les hommes, il faut que je pense sérieusement à prendre ma retraite »
Alors, il se lève péniblement et rejoint son lit moelleux. Pour quelques heures le monde tournera sans lui mais Dieu sait ce que les hommes feront pendant ce temps !

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Corinne :

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes : « Si quelqu’un a quelque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant, ou se taise à jamais », on entendit au fond de l’église quelqu’un se lever et un murmure inquiet parcourir l’assemblée. L’homme debout saisit sa canne à pommeau d’argent et frappa quelques coups contre le banc de chêne. Un silence pesant s’abattit aussitôt sur le lieu.

« Cette femme est déjà mariée ! » lâcha-t-il froidement. Et avant que les convives abasourdis ne puissent dire quoi que ce soit il ajouta pompeusement:

« et avec moi !!»

Le personnage était impressionnant et imposait le respect tant et si bien que quiconque n’osait ouvrir la bouche. Les yeux braqués sur eux on attendait que les futurs époux réagissent. Paul, le fiancé regardait sa promise d’un oeil interrogateur mêlé de doutes, lui aussi attendait des explications, au moins une réaction mais rien ne semblait venir. Virginie était pétrifiée, comme changée en statue de sel, sa longue robe de soie ivoire ne crissait plus, Elle avait le regard hypnotisé par les yeux gris acier de l’homme mystérieux.

« Hé bien ma chère, vous ne dites rien… » reprit l’homme caressant d’un geste satisfait sa barbe grise taillée en pointe. Des regards avides de réponses se tournèrent à nouveau vers lui, attendant pantelants le début d’un match qui ne commençait pas. Dressé dans son impeccable costume trois pièces rouge carmin visiblement coupé sur mesure, il la toisait,tout fier de son intervention fortuite.

Le visage de Virginie se détendit quand enfin sa mémoire auditive sembla reconnaître l’importun. Il est vrai qu’aujourd’hui, coquetterie oblige, elle ne portait pas ses lunettes et, avec sa vision flottante de myope, il lui était aussi difficile de distinguer une personne dans la pénombre du fond de l’église qu’un piment d’Espelette noyé dans une pâte à crêpes.

« Monsieur Radichou… » lâcha–t-elle dans un soupir de soulagement « que faites–vous ici… ? »

L’individu se redressa un peu plus comme piqué d’avoir été découvert.

Virginie abandonna délicatement les mains de son fiancé et d’un regard entendu le quitta quelques instants pour gagner le fond de l’église. Son pas était léger comme si elle marchait sur des nuages, sa robe glissait entre les bancs de bois ouvragés et elle semblait si vaporeuse qu’on aurait dit une nuée de blancs montés en neige.

« Monsieur Radichou… je vais passer l’éponge car aujourd’hui c’est le jour de mon mariage et je sais que vous vous en faites tout un monde » adressa-t-elle avec douceur au vieux monsieur déconfit.

« Vous savez Virginie, je suis extrêmement confus, j’avais un quart d’heure de retard parce que je ne trouvais rien à me mettre et je ne pensais pas arriver à temps pour arrêter cette mascarade… » plaida-t–il sur un ton presque enfantin » et il poursuivit en se reprenant « tant que vous viviez à la colle universelle avec cet olibrius, je ne m’inquiétais pas pour notre union mais là, c’est comme si vous creusiez ma tombe en me reniant ainsi devant l’autel»

Les invités, médusés par le dialogue incompréhensible entre la jeune femme et le vieil homme ne pipaient mot.

Après un bref échange avec le prêtre, Paul s’approcha du couple improbable.

« Monsieur, on va venir vous reconduire. Vous savez, à l’institut ils vous cherchent partout »

« Qu’il aillent au diable ! Depuis que ma famille m’a placé là-bas, je ne peux plus manger de frites avec les doigts, ni jouer du piano debout » plaida-t-il ronchon « il n’y a qu’avec vous Virginie que je peux m’amuser et maintenant vous allez me quitter pour toujours …»

« Je ne vais pas vous quitter Monsieur Radichou, j’épouse l’homme que j’aime, vous savez, celui qui fait danser la poussière d’étoiles dans mon coeur… Vous vous souvenez de cette expression? Vous m’aviez relaté si poétiquement votre rencontre avec votre Virginie, celle qui a été votre femme pendant quarante ans…»

Le vieil homme acquiesça, la larme à l’oeil. Virginie l’embrassa doucement sur la joue et lui glissa à l’oreille :

« Mais où avez–vous déniché ce costume digne d’un prince… ? »

« L’institut recèle des trésors dans son sous-sol… La garde-robe complète du vieux baron excentrique qui occupait les lieux au début du siècle dernier est quasiment intacte, il y a des robes pour vous aussi, vous seriez étonnamment ravissante dedans, un peu comme aujourd’hui… et même plus encore » lui répondit–il malicieusement.

Dans un chuchotement à peine perceptible, elle lui promit qu’ils y descendraient en cachette, rien que tous les deux. Le vieil homme rassuré afficha un air satisfait.

Deux hommes entrèrent alors dans l’église, un soulagement général se fit sentir et l’ambiance s’allégea lorsqu’ils entreprirent de le reconduire tranquillement à l’extérieur. Il ajusta dignement son feutre sur la tête, n’offrit aucune résistance et sortit encadré par les deux molosses.

Arrivé sur le parvis, il s’arrêta un instant et, se retournant l’oeil rieur, lâcha à la

cantonade dans un dernier élan provocateur:

«Je vous aiiiiime et je ne veux pas divorcer, cela ne se fait pas dans mon moooonde ! »

L’assemblée, complice, éclata de rire et esquissa quelques applaudissements, ainsi l’excellent comédien qu’il avait été autrefois sortit la tête haute, auréolé de son ultime prestation.

La cérémonie put enfin reprendre, on aurait dit l’atmosphère emplie de bulles de savon. Ce qui avait débuté comme une tragédie en puissance avait maintenant la magie d’un goûter d’enfant. Le clown-poète avait assuré le spectacle, monsieur Radichou n’avait rien perdu de sa superbe, il savait y faire pour accrocher son auditoire et transformer un moment juste solennel en un souvenir délectable. Virginie le savait, le cadeau du vieux monsieur était prestigieux, elle en connaissait le prix, celui de l’amour sincère et joueur entre deux âmes-soeurs.

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Johanna :

Alors que le prêtre s’adressait à l’assemblée en prononçant les paroles suivantes « si quelqu’un a queque raison que ce soit de s’opposer à cette union, qu’il parle maintenant ou se taise à jamais  » on entendit au fond de l’église, quelqu’un se lever et …

avancer vers le marié :

  •  » Cette fois je ne passerai pas l’éponge Boby »
  •  » Après tant d’années passées dans le silence tu décides donc de me passer à la casserole le jour de mon mariage, c’est ça JR ? « 
  • « Je souhaite un exercice de mémoire collectif et j’en profite que notre grande famille soit réunie ce jour. »
  • « Qu’est ce que tu veux reprocher à ton petit frère ? Qu’il mange ses frites avec les doigts ? Qu’il met à tord du piment d’espelette dans ses plats ? ou qu’il préfère ajouter de la bière plutôt que du rhum dans la pate à crêpes ? »
  • « Très drôle, tu es au mieux de ta forme, tu plantes ainsi un décor qui éloigne nos chers amis et famille du vrai différent qui existe entre nous. Sache que depuis des années je rumine la nuit ces trésors du sous sol qui me pompent toute mon energie ! ça me colle à la peau ! Je n’arrive pas à m’en défaire de cette colle universelle ! Même la musique n’arrive pas à me détendre, j’en arrive même à jouer du piano debout ! « 

 « Cesse de te victimiser JR, arrête d’en faire un monde de ces bêtises d’adolescents ! »

  • « Ah ! La mémoire se rechauffe à ce que je viens d’entendre, les blancs commencent à prendre, il a une astuce mon petit frère pour monter ses blancs en neige, vous la connaissez ? »
  • « Je préfère t’entendre parler avec un peu d’humour … sachez qu’un peu de citron aide la montée des bl… »
  • « Boby, que se passe t-il ? Tu ne te sens pas bien ? Apporter lui un cognac ! »
  • « C’est de la citronnade que je veux ! N’oublie jamais grand frère : on creuse sa tombe avec ses dents. Bacon, saucisses/frites et martini vont faire de toi un … »
  • « Garde ta salive, nous étions et ne deviendrons que des poussières d’étoiles Boby alors à la tienne ! »

Le prêtre prend à part JR et lui soumet de retirer son intervention, qu’avec un quart d’heure de retard, il s’est déjà fait remarquer par l’assemblée, qu’il ne devrait plus en rajouter.

  • « Allez y père poursuivez, je baptise le petit ange de la famille de mon cognac, oui c’est un saint, irréprochable, ingénieux et séduisant garçon ! « 
  •  » Sous l’effet de l’alcool, on en vient à faire et dire n’importe quoi !

A cette époque JR, toi comme moi étions accrocs au pastis … on essayait d’oublier la mort de maman et la dépression de notre père ! On avait plus rien à se mettre sous la dent ! Alors on faisait le mur, on rejoignait la bande des quartiers et on est tombé dans le traffc de cannabis. Des valises de billets se mutipliaient jusqu’au jour où on s’est fait braquer … je t’ai laissé entre les mains des malfaiteurs, j’ai pris la fuite, j’étais paniqué !  »

  •  » Et c’est dans la cave que j’ai retrouvé de la coke ! La tienne fréro ! Je mange trop gras certes ! mais je n’ai jamais touché à cette saloperie ! « 
  •  » J’étais influençable à l’époque, je regrette … tu as payé pour moi, c’est injuste « 
  • « 5 ans d’enfermement, je sors tout juste du tunnel … »
  • Pardon

Les deux frères émus, se sont aussitôt embrassés.  Le prêtre s’est tourné vers la mariée et lui a cité cette phrase de Khalil Gibran :

Celui qui, par quelque alchimie sait extraire de son coeur, pour les refondre ensemble, compassion, respect, besoin, patience, regret, surprise et pardon crée cet atome qu’on appelle l’amour.”

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