Les Martiens sur terre pour Noël (décembre 2015)

Sujet :

Une expédition scientifique martienne (d’un ou deux martiens) a été envoyée sur terre pour deux jours avec la mission d’observer notre mode de vie. Par le plus parfait des hasards, la date choisie était les 24 et 25 décembre.

(Bien sûr, une équipe de chimistes martiens avait mis au point au préalable une solution injectable d’ylangylanhyperoxygénialoafleurdetiaréquiempourunfarfeluminescencedecitronnellafitzgerallumezlefeufollet d’azute liquette de jeannettebergersuperbeconcert qui conférait l’invisibilité et avait donc permis l’observation en toute liberté)

Au retour de l’expédition, le (ou les deux) martien(s) donne(nt) une conférence pour rendre compte de nos mœurs.

Je vous propose de nous faire assister à cette conférence.

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Jean : Les Autres


Et me voilà à tourillonner mes neurones pour répondre à l’attente de cette satanée Mimie qui veut savoir ce que pourraient bien penser de notre comportement quotidien les extraterrestres.

Mais moi je ne crois pas aux extraterrestres. D’ailleurs je ne crois à rien, n’ayant, de plus, pas besoin du tout de ces êtres pour vivre dans la joie, étant sans inquiétude sur leurs intentions bonnes ou mauvaises.
Alors je rame pour imaginer ce qui ne me concerne pas mais me consterne présentement vu l’exigence pressante de notre pourvoyeuse en fantasmes.
J’en étais là quand j’eus le sentiment que quelqu’un m’observait. Pourtant Janine n’était pas encore revenue. Etait-ce quelqu’un qui m’observait depuis les fenêtres de l’autre rive de la Saône. J’avais déjà eu cette impression et je m’étais muni d’une paire de jumelles pour balayer le front de fenêtres tournées vers nous. Je me levais donc pour refaire un examen complet…mais non, rien, pas d’observateur indiscret.
Je me rassis donc et retournais à mon impuissante imagination. Cependant, de nouveau, l’impression d’être regardé revint mais cette fois du dessus. Je levais brusquement la tête pour observer le plafond, blanc comme neige. Pourtant en scrutant bien je repérais une minuscule araignée qui prudemment ne bougeait pas d’un poil. J’allais chercher un plumeau pour chasser l’intruse et me replongeais dans mes miasmes impuissants.
Alors là, ce fut tout autre chose. Peu à peu des regards curieux s’installaient tout autour de moi. Des regards sans yeux mais enveloppants, insistants, gluants même, se rapprochant pour m’enserrer de toute part. Mais que me voulaient-ils donc ?
Cette pression désagréable et angoissante se mit à diminuer lentement pour être remplacée par une sorte de caresse hésitante mais douce, un peu comme celle des ailes d’un papillon, d’une nuée de papillons explorant tendrement mon visage, mes oreilles, mon crâne, tendrement, et même voluptueusement, sensuellement. Je m’échauffais sous ces caresses suggestives mais elles firent place peu à peu à une sorte de vide sidéral d’où émergea un son, d’abord très faible et aigu, puis allant en s’intensifiant vers des chuchotements doux et graves. Je repérais peu à peu des répétitions, des accentuations, des intervalles. On essayait de me parler. Mais dans d’autres langues que je ne connaissais pas. Et ces langues changeaient comme si l’on s’employait à trouver celle qui me conviendrait, celle que je comprendrais. Pour me dire ce qu’elles cherchaient à travers le vaste monde et dont je détenais une partie, ce que je cherchais moi-même et dont eux détenaient aussi une partie. Et soudain ce fut un éblouissement. Le code secret était brisé. Je comprenais et l’on me comprenait. Nos êtres étaient complémentaires et s’emboitaient comme les pièces d’un puzzle pour former une image flamboyante et apaisante, d’amour et d’amitié, que nous étions en train de contempler avec ravissement. Nos mondes s’étaient rejoints.
Nous avions débordé la crainte et atteint la plénitude

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Martine :

Mon martien , qui a bien étudié lors de son passage sur terre , a  seulement dit ceci à l’assemblée:

Hurlement du vent

Un cri profond dans la nuit

Les hommes se meurent 

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Mimie :

Mon collègue Axiome et moi-même, Euclide, avons été envoyés sur la planète terre pendant 2 jours pour observer le mode de vie des terriens. Nous avions à notre disposition de la solution d’ylangylanhyperoxygénialoafleurdetiaréquiempourunfarfeluminescencedecitronnellafitzgerallumezlefeufollet d’ahzut !!!! liquette de jeannettebergersuperbeconcert qui nous rendait invisibles, ce qui a grandement facilité nos observations. Notre vaisseau a atterri sur un grand espace où de nombreux petits véhicules étaient rangés de façon géométrique ; quand un véhicule s’en allait, un autre arrivait tout de suite et prenait sa place. Nous avons observé ce phénomène pendant un moment, Axiome et moi, et nous sommes dit que les terriens avaient horreur du vide. Nous avons remarqué que ces objets ne s’élevaient pas dans les airs quand ils partaient, mais en quelque sorte rampaient, le point de contact avec le sol étant 4 sphères en caoutchouc noir. Lorsqu’ils avaient arrêté leur véhicule, les terriens en sortaient et s’en procuraient un autre, beaucoup plus petit et sans moteur qu’ils poussaient avec leurs 2 mains ; tous allaient dans la même direction et quand ils en revenaient, leur petit véhicule était plein à ras bord ; ils en transvasaient le contenu dans celui à moteur et repartaient pour laisser la place à quelqu’un d’autre.

Nous avons décidé, Axiome et moi, de suivre les terriens pour voir ce qui se passait dans ce lieu où ils se pressaient tous. Axiome voulait les imiter et prendre un petit véhicule sans moteur, mais nous avons observé qu’aucun de ces engins ne se déplaçait seul, ce qui aurait été le cas pour nous, puisque je rappelle que nous étions invisibles, et nous avons dû renoncer à ce projet. Nous avons donc suivi le flot des terriens et sommes arrivés dans un lieu couvert, rempli d’étagères sur lesquelles étaient disposées toutes sortes d’affaires. Chacun semblait prendre les affaires qu’il souhaitait, les transvasait des étagères au petit véhicule, certains très vite, d’autres semblant hésiter, réfléchir, prenant puis reposant l’objet. Bref la constante que nous avons observée est que petit à petit les mini-véhicules se remplissaient d’objets que nous ne connaissions pas. Nous avons continué à étudier et avons constaté qu’avant de partir de cette immense salle, les terriens passaient à une sorte de frontière où ils vidaient tout sur un tapis roulant auprès d’une personne qui prenait chaque chose dans sa main, la manipulait dans un sens ou dans un autre, puis les terriens remettaient le tout dans leur petit véhicule, puis partaient en direction des voitures où ils retransvasaient les objets dans le véhicule à moteur. Nous nous sommes beaucoup posé de questions Axiome et moi sur le sens de toutes ces manipulations, notamment celles où ils montraient ce qu’ils avaient pris sur les étagères : Axiome pensait qu’ils les volaient et, que pris de remords, ils allaient vers des genres de policiers, de policières plutôt car ce n’étaient quasiment que des femmes, pour avouer leurs méfaits. Pour ma part, il me semblait plutôt que tout contents de ce qu’ils avaient déniché, ils montraient fièrement aux dames en faction leurs trouvailles, mais je reconnais, après réflexion, qu’elle s n’avaient pas trop l’air d’y prêter attention.
Mais le jeu de manipulation et de déménagement ne s’arrêtait pas là : quand les terriens repartaient et retournaient chez eux, une fois arrivés, ils retransportaient tout chez eux et semblaient trier : certains objets étaient mis dans un endroit plus ou moins froid, d’autres à la cave, d’autres encore ailleurs, suivant un mode de tri que nous n’avons pas trop compris. Nous nous sommes alors séparés, Axiome et moi, pour essayer de suivre et de comprendre le maximum d’événements. Axiome a suivi une personne qui semblait partir avec un air de voleur de la pièce où toutes les choses étaient déballées, d’ailleurs elle emportait effectivement certaines des choses dans une pièce dans laquelle elle s’enfermait. Il a observé que la personne les cachait dans du papier de toutes les couleurs, mettait une étiquette décorée dessus en y inscrivant quelque chose. Axiome a pensé que cela rejoignait sa 1ère idée de vol sur les étagères, car sinon pourquoi cacher encore plus ces objets en les recouvrant d’un papier qui ne permettait plus de les identifier et surtout ressortir de la pièce en la fermant à clé ?
Pour ma part, j’ai suivi la personne qui semblait être la chef. Une fois qu’elle a eu tout rangé, elle a mis un tablier, crié « Que personne ne me dérange !!! », puis elle a sorti des livres avec des images et de l’écriture que je connaissais pas, dans lesquels elle a semblé chercher je ne sais quoi, puis elle a ressorti une partie des objets qu’elle avait rangés une demi-heure avant.
Elle s’est mise à peser, découper, casser plein de choses de consistance différente, je l’entendais qui comptait : « 1 cuillère de levure, 200 grammes de farine, 3 oeufs … », elle a ensuite mélangé puis a tout versé dans un grand récipient plat qu’elle a mis dans un genre de mini-placard qui m’a semblé très chaud. Elle a ensuite tout rangé ce qui restait et nettoyé la table sur laquelle elle avait travaillé.
Une fois qu’elle a eu fini cette première opération, elle a procédé à une autre opération, toujours à mains nues : elle a pris un gros paquet qu’elle avait placé plus tôt dans l’endroit frais et s’écria : « A nous deux, ma belle !!! ». Cette chose ne lui a pas répondu, ce qui ne m’a pas étonné car elle ne semblait pas vivante, puis elle s’est acharnée dessus, lui coupant ce qui semblait des pieds, puis la tête ; elle lui a ensuite fait un trou dans lequel elle a passé la main pour enlever je ne sais quoi qu’elle a tout de suite jeté d’un air dégoûté, puis, toujours selon l’hypothèse que nous avions émise, à savoir que les terriens auraient horreur du vide, elle a rebouché le trou qu’elle avait fait en glissant délicatement à l’intérieur un mélange compact qu’elle venait de préparer.
J’ai ensuite entendu des voix d’enfants tout excités qui s’affairaient à planter un arbre sans racines dans un pot sans terre ; j’ai pensé qu’ils étaient bien ignorants et que nos enfants n’auraient jamais commis pareille erreur : ils savent qu’il y a des années-lumière que nous n’avons plus de végétation et que pour rappeler ces temps anciens, nous avons des arbres métalliques auxquels nous suspendons ou non des feuilles, de taille et de couleur différente selon le solstice ou l’équinoxe. J’ai continué à regarder les enfants car ils avaient dans les yeux le même émerveillement que les nôtres lorsque tous les mille jours, nous allons au garage leur faire choisir une nouvelle tenue métallique. Même s’il était évident que l’arbre ne pousserait jamais, tout le monde semblait ravi et voulait faire croire que des fruits avaient poussé sur l’arbre en lui accrochant toutes sortes de boules de toutes les couleurs. Le résultat était assez incongru mais finalement très décoratif.
Quand la chef sortit de la pièce dont elle avait interdit l’accès, une odeur délicieuse se répandit partout, elle demanda aux enfants de l’aider à mettre la table, ce que je n’ai pas trop compris car la table était déjà là, puis elle a envoyé tout le monde se laver les mains en disant que les invités allaient bientôt arriver. Elle-même enleva son tablier de cuisine et disparut, pour réapparaître dans une autre tenue.
Axiome était comme moi, très intrigué par toute cette agitation, il a un côté poète et regardait avec émerveillement la chef qui répandait des petites étoiles sur la table, disposait des bougies et des petites décorations florales, se reculait puis revenait déplacer de quelques centimètres certaines choses qui semblaient mal alignées.
Puis soudain un coup de sonnette a retenti, puis un autre cinq minutes après, puis encore un autre, cela n’arrêtait pas. Tous les habitants de la maison se dirigeaient chaque fois vers la porte d’entrée pour accueillir joyeusement les invités, et là Axiome et moi restâmes ébahis devant ce qui se passait : les personnes se rapprochaient deux par deux, faisaient se toucher leurs joues et en même temps émettaient un léger bruit de ventouse ; d’autres attrapaient la main de la personne en face d’eux et la secouaient avec énergie, tout cela avec une bonne humeur évidente ; nous avons trouvé, Axiome et moi, que ce ballet de contacts physiques était magnifiquement bien réglé, notamment pour le joue à joue où l’élan qui poussait les deux personnes l’une vers l’autre était si savamment dosé que personne ne sortit meurtri ou cabossé de cette activité fort étrange.
Ensuite il y eut un autre rituel, la chef disait aux arrivants qu’ils pouvaient aller se déshabiller dans sa chambre, Axiome et moi étions fort intéressés car nous aurions ainsi eu l’occasion de voir des humains nus, mais non, ils revenaient malheureusement avec encore du tissu sur eux, certes moins qu’à leur arrivée, mais quand même.
Il se passait encore quelque chose qu’Axiome avait repéré : Les nouveaux arrivants avaient caché dans de grands sacs opaques d’autres objets déjà recouverts de papiers brillants et étaient discrètement allés les remiser dans la pièce fermée à clé. Nous n’avons toujours pas compris, la terre était-elle peuplée de voleurs et avions-nous atterri ce matin-là près de leur caverne d’Ali Baba qui aurait été trop grande pour tout contenir, ce qui aurait expliqué pourquoi ils allaient tous prendre des objets pour les recacher ensuite chez eux ?
Toujours dubitatifs, nous avons suivi le déroulement des événements : chacun est finalement venu s’asseoir à la table devant un petit tas d’affaires que les enfants avaient préparé avec la chef : 2 disques ronds l’un dans l’autre, le plus petit au dessus, des genres d’outils de chaque côté et plusieurs calices devant. Chacun parlait à qui mieux mieux, et là nous avons découvert peu à peu ce que la chef avait préparé quand elle s’était isolée, elle apportait une chose, en distribuait une partie dans le disque de chacun, s’asseyait et alors, nous n’allez pas me croire, les terriens coupaient en petits morceaux ce qui venait d’être placé sur leur disque et à l’aide des outils à leur disposition l’introduisaient en eux par un trou situé un peu plus bas que leurs deux yeux. Après en avoir bien débattu lors de notre trajet de retour dans la navette, Axiome a estimé que ce qui était introduit par ce trou était un genre de carburant et que nous en avions un souvenir au travers de cette petite cicatrice apparemment inutile que nous avons tous, nous Martiens, à cet endroit-là de notre tête, cela signifiait donc pour lui que nous descendions des terriens. Pour ma part j’ai estimé que ce trou servait surtout de porte-voix car les terriens ne semblaient pas communiquer comme nous de cerveau à cerveau, non, ils émettaient des sons qui s’échappaient de ce même orifice. J’en ai conclu que les terriens étaient des animaux à un stade d’évolution tout de même assez avancé puisqu’ils savaient communiquer entre eux, j’insiste sur le terme d’animaux car la différence entre un martien et un animal est que le martien n’a besoin que de nourriture spirituelle, pas de carburant. ; aussi je réfute totalement l’idée de mon collègue et néanmoins ami Axiome car il est pour moi impensable que les martiens aient une quelconque origine commune avec des animaux.
Pour en revenir au déroulement de cette journée, la chef continuait à apporter sur la table des récipients avec des choses odorantes disposées dessus qu’elle partageait ensuite. Nous n’avions jamais utilisé de notre vie notre sens de l’odorat, qui au demeurant s’avérait une fonction fort agréable, bien que nous ayons comme les terriens une proéminence avec deux petits trous sous les yeux ; cela permit à Axiomer d’étayer sa thèse de notre descendance des terriens, quant à moi cela me confortait dans l’idée que les terriens descendaient des animaux qui ont pour caractéristique d’avoir un flair particulièrement développé.
La soirée continuait, de plus en plus bruyante, les enfants descendaient de leur chaise, se chamaillaient, se couraient après ; à un moment je remarquai quelqu’un qui partait à la dérobée dans la pièce fermée à clé, je le suivis, vis qu’il revêtait un grand habit rouge, une barbe blanche, puis il déroba tous les paquets dans un grand panier en osier qu’il mit sur son dos, il s’enfuit ensuite discrètement par une porte dérobée et, vraisemblablement pris de remords, revint par la porte principale, il frappa trois grands coups, négligeant la sonnette qu’il avait pourtant bien utilisée quelques heures plus tôt. Quand il rentra, les enfants étaient médusés, d’autres partaient se cacher, certains s’approchaient en lui disant : « Bonjour Père Noël !! ». A ceux-là, il remit des paquets qu’il tira de son grand panier, puis il plaça tout ce qui restait au pied de l’arbre, espérait-il que cela servirait d’engrais, je ne sais pas, puis il dit « Au revoir la compagnie, soyez bien sages, à l’année prochaine !! », puis ils ressortit pas la porte. Tandis que toute la tablée allait vers le sapin pour prendre les paquets délaissés et déchirait avec force cris et exclamation tous les papiers qui avaient si précautionneusement caché les objets jusqu’alors, personne ne remarqua le retour, certes discret, du terrien qui s’était éclipsé tout à l’heure. Il n’était plus revêtu de rouge, ni de la grande barbe blanche, il s’était assis et regardait simplement la scène avec tendresse.
La soirée se termina sur cette image de joie et de désordre, nous avons constaté qu’aucune famille n’a finalement eu le paquet qu’elle avait auparavant enveloppé dans du papier et nous en avons conclu que cette soirée était une sorte de bourse d’échanges particulièrement conviviale. Puis les invités ont pris congé, les habitants de la maison où nous étions se sont couchés, nous sommes encore restés un moment à nous enivrer des odeurs de la maison et nous avons rejoint notre navette. Nous avons regardé dans le ciel pour tenter d’admirer notre planète depuis la terre et c’est alors que nous avons aperçu un attelage scintillant qui traversait le ciel à vive allure, il y avait des animaux devant qui tiraient un véhicule décapotable dans lequel était assis un personnage tout de rouge vêtu, à l’arrière il y avait mille fois plus de paquets que sous le sapin de nos amis terriens.

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Gisèle

Planète Mars, 16 heures du temps universel intersidéral, salle 1887 du planétarium Abrias, cité Doctrina, Valles Marineris, Equateur Ouest.

La salle est comble : des milliers de Martiens errent dans l’espace de la salle, nonchalamment suspendus aux filins de cristal , déployant leurs têtes en forme de corolles irisées et agitant gaiement leurs douze tentacules filiformes. Il y a beaucoup d’excitation perceptible : deux cosmonautes sont de retour après un voyage interplanétaire de plus de deux ans ! D’ailleurs les voici !
Géo 2 Et Divi 5, très émus par l’accueil triomphal qui leur est réservé, resserrent leur corolle rougissante et agitent faiblement leurs tentacules : ils paraissent avoir perdu de leur vigueur du fait de leur séjour en apesanteur mais leur transmission orale intra crânienne est parfaitement intelligible. Chacun se prépare à un récit captivant, retransmis aussitôt par voie inter satellitaire.
« Nous passons rapidement sur notre voyage intersidéral, puisque nous étions en hibernation. Nous nous sommes réveillés au contact de la merveilleuse vision de la troisième planète du système solaire, la Terre, surnommée « Planète bleue ».Imaginez une sphère parfaite délicatement colorée de bleu sur laquelle s’éparpillent des masses nuageuses d’un blanc éclatant. Une vision de Paradis ! Ensuite, l’endroit où nous devions atterrir s’est retrouvé dans l’ombre et nous avons vu avec stupéfaction s’allumer de multiples lumières scintillantes comme autant de joyaux multicolores sur toute la surface de la planète. Quel spectacle enchanteur dont nous ne nous sommes toujours pas lassés ! »
Ici, Géo2 frotta son antenne frontale sensitive pendant quelques instants avec émotion, puis reprit sa transmission orale.
« Notre arrivée se fit dans un espace bordé de montagnes magnifiques, couvertes d’un délicat manteau blanc extrêmement froid au toucher : de l’eau gélifiée comme sur nos calottes polaires ? Nos savants en jugeront. »
Dans le public, beaucoup de corolles s’agitèrent.
Géo 2 poursuivit :
Nous nous sommes aperçu que la Terre est principalement peuplée par une espèce animale qui nous a paru relativement évoluée. D’ailleurs, vous allez en juger sur pièces. »
Divi 5 actionna un bouton et plusieurs spécimens humains apparurent sur un écran, quelques uns dénudés.
Des cris d’horreur furent émis.
« Ah !! Qu’ils sont laids !!
« C’est épouvantable !
« De vrai monstres !
« Leurs corolles sont rigides et peu gracieuses avec des trous répugnants : regardez ! Lorsqu’ils les ouvrent, on peut voir leurs organes internes….
« Oui ! Continua Géo2. Ces ouvertures leur permettent de se nourrir mais aussi de communiquer et même, aussi, je crois, de se reproduire .Mais, de cela, je ne suis pas certain…
« Et leurs tentacules ! Ils n’en ont que quatre : épais, grossiers et rigides. Leur antenne sensitive est minuscule et trouée. Il n’y a aucune grâce dans leurs déplacements, ils paraissent cloués au sol ! »
Quelques martiens se balancèrent aussitôt avec satisfaction, au bout de leur filin de cristal.
Géo 2 laissa les commentaires se tarir puis continua son récit.
« Ces animaux sont très nombreux et agités. Certains, trouvant leurs déplacements trop lents, montent dans des véhicules nauséabonds pour se procurer leur nourriture dans des ruches gigantesques où ils peuvent se servir à volonté, avec quelques bousculades parfois. Puis, une fois revenus dans leur tanière, les voici qui, installant leur provisions à leur portée, les dévorent avec force rires et cris.
« Quelle répugnante habitude ! »
« Ils ont également une coutume très curieuse : ils débarrassent leurs tentacules postérieurs de leurs protections (contre le froid ?) et les alignent devant une ouverture de leur nid donnant sur le toit. Ensuite, ils disposent dans ces protections des objets variés et recouverts de papiers colorés : quel désordre !
« Pourquoi cela ? Nous n’avons pas la réponse.
« Nous avons par ailleurs remarqué un animal de la même espèce mais habillé différemment : entièrement de rouge avec une excroissance poilue et blanche au bas de sa corolle. Les petits humains le suivent et paraissent l’adorer.
« C’est peut-être une de leurs divinités…
« Nous pensons qu’ils en ont une deuxième : dans chaque tanière, nous avons observé un résineux, entièrement décoré et scintillant de mille feux. Un culte animiste ?
Divi 5 ajouta : ils paraissent adorer également une troisième divinité. Il s’agit d’une étrange lucarne bruyante et lumineuse, placée au centre de chaque nid humain, en face d’une couche où chacun se vautre commodément. Ils regardent cette déesse, l’invoquent et la prient de longues heures.
Tous les Martiens de la salle agitèrent leur corolle irisée avec stupéfaction. Comment peut-on être Terrien ?
Géo 2 reprit :
« Ce sont certainement des animaux nocturnes. Comme la nuit s’avançait, nous avons observé qu’une tanière commune, brillamment illuminée, répandait à la ronde des sons curieux. Quelque chose comme « Ding ! Dong ! Ding ! Dong ! » A l’intérieur de l’édifice, chacun se pressait, chaudement emmitouflé et joyeux, émettant des bruits harmonieux et défilant devant une minuscule tanière décorée et ornée de personnages et d’une reproduction de bébé humain.
« Nous cherchons le sens de ce rite. Ou bien, n’est-ce peut-être qu’un jeu ? »
« Maintenant je vais laisser mon collègue Divi 5, qui a exploré une autre partie de la Terre, communiquer avec vous.
Divi 5, un peu intimidé, secoua nerveusement ses tentacules antérieurs.
« Il se trouve que j’ai atterri sur la face éclairée de la Terre, dans son hémisphère sud. La région paraissait regorger d’eau à l’état liquide. Pourquoi cette remarque, me direz-vous ? Eh bien, parce que la végétation était extrêmement développée et la température très chaude.
« Avez-vous pu observer d’autres animaux terriens ?
« Oui mais relativement peu. L’espèce humaine est aussi dominante dans cette région. Elle a construit des ruches fourmillantes et malodorantes, d’une hauteur gigantesque qui semblent crever le ciel. Les humains, par milliers, se dénudent et viennent faire leur toilette (ou leurs ablutions ?) dans la mer. Nous pensons qu’il s’agit également d’un rite religieux : sans doute, adorent-ils leur déesse mer.
D’autres, réunis par plusieurs dizaines de milliers, dans un immense édifice, au toit ouvert, regardent avec passion et clameurs, une quinzaine d’entr’eux, se disputer un objet rond ou ovale, pendant un temps interminable. J’avoue que je ne sais qu’en penser…
« Ces humains appartiennent-ils à des espèces différente ?
« Je ne le crois pas. La couleur de leur peau est parfois différente, c’est vrai, mais ils paraissent communiquer par d’autres langages avec tous: ils ont souvent sur une ou deux de leurs ouvertures de corolles des objets rectangulaires reliés ou non, à un fil. Sans doute s’agit-il d’une forme de communication orale intra crânienne, similaire à la nôtre.
Une onde de satisfaction parcourut l’ensemble des corolles des spectateurs. Quelques tentacules s’agitèrent.
En définitive, pensons-nous que ces animaux, soient doués d’intelligence et de sensibilité ?
« Notre approche a été superficielle et sommaire. Il nous faudra certainement de longues années d’expériences et d’observations très poussées pour en juger. Toutefois, ces animaux habitent une planète magnifique qui, malheureusement, paraît se dégrader. Un voile de gaz pollué, que nous allons étudier de plus près, recouvre certaines régions de la terre. Provient-il de la terre elle-même ou de l’activité des espèces animales? Nos savants le démontreront, sans doute.
Aussi, nous vous donnons rendez-vous, pour une nouvelle conférence sur ce sujet, à une prochaine date.
Aussitôt, tous les tentacules antérieurs des spectateurs s’agitèrent longuement, tandis qu’une légère brise parfumée emplissait la salle 1187 du planétarium. Géo 2 et Divi 5, corolles rougissantes, et tentacules déployés, s’inclinèrent longuement vers leur public.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Hélène

Contrairement aux terriens, les martiens n’ont pas de bouche ni d’oreilles leur permettant d’élaborer un langage articulé. Ils rendent compte de leurs missions au moyen de fichiers électroniques gravés sur des lamelles de quartz :
RAPPORT EXPLORATOIRE N°2009
Voyage interstellaire n° 405
Nom de l’équipe martienne : détectives spatio-temporels BRN207t et BRN207d
Lieu et horaires de l’exploration : planète tellurique TERRE – 24 décembre 2015 (heure terrestre) – 39 mars 30 345 (heure martienne)
But du voyage : observer les habitants de la planète terre et rendre compte de leurs mœurs

Au moment d’entrer dans l’atmosphère terrestre, notre soucoupe volante a heurté l’essieu d’un véhicule étrange : un genre de vaisseau construit en matière organique, surmonté d’objets divers multicolores et brillants, dirigé par un hominidé bedonnant de l’espèce homo sapiens sapiens ; l’homme présente une pilosité excessive blanche, signe apparent d’usure avancée chez cette espèce ; sa combinaison est faite d’une matière inconnue sur mars, elle est de couleur pourpre ; apparemment elle ne le protège pas correctement des rayonnements cosmiques car l’épiderme de l’homme présente des signes manifestes de dégradation cellulaire.
Le système de propulsion du véhicule est archaïque, il s’agit d’êtres vivants quadrupèdes identifiés par notre robot BBR307 comme appartenant à une espèce de mammifères terrestres. Au moment de la collision, les animaux sont dans un état de lyse cellulaire –autrement dit en apoptose- important, les empêchant d’accomplir leur fonction propulsive. Pour définir cet état, les terriens emploient apparemment le mot de MORT ou REPOS ETERNEL. D’autres termes sont utilisés par certains terriens :
CREVE – RETAME – ESQUINTE

Après une rapide inspection macroscopique, nous constatons que l’hominidé bedonnant n’est pas « MORT » ou « RETAME ». Son état de santé nécessite cependant que nous le prenions en charge à bord de notre vaisseau –en conformité avec les règles d’hygiène et d’éviction des normes RAFFNOR 4567.
L’homme se REVEILLE (définition donnée par le robot BBR307 : fin du SOMMEIL) et ingère par son orifice buccal une boisson comportant un degré alcoolique de 45° . Il articule alors des sons qui codent pour un langage seulement audible par ses congénères ;
Traduction de l’énoncé effectuée le 24.12.2005 à 00H34 (heure terrestre) par BBR307 :
« Eh ben, j’ai eu peur…oh là là….je suis pas mort ? faut dire que livrer tous ces satanés cadeaux en si peu de temps, c’est dangereux…je leur avais bien dit qu’y avait trop de risques cette année : avec tous ces satellites , et tous ces nouveaux foyers dans les pays en voie de développement, je peux pas m’en sortir tout seul…et où je suis, là ? YA QUELQU’UN ???? »

Pour tenter d’identifier l’homme, nous avons consulté la TOILE terrestre (un réseau informatique mondial utilisant un même protocole de communication : TCP/IP). En effet, notre robot BBR307 ne disposait pas d’informations suffisantes. Selon toute vraisemblance, notre vaisseau a heurté le PERE NOEL :
Définition Père Noël (site « Le métrographe ») : « Personnage célèbre, bonhomme et jovial, faisant des cadeaux aux riches (non ce n’est pas Nicolas Sarkozy) et aux pauvres, sans distinctions fondamentales de classe ou d’âge. Les cheveux blancs et la barbe mal rasée, le Père Noël n’est cependant ni la Reine d’Angleterre ni l’Abbé Pierre, en effet, il distribue souvent des cadeaux plus grands et plus chers aux riches, et plus modestes aux plus pauvres. Toutefois, le soir de Noël, le Père Noël distribue sous le sapin de Noël autant de cadeaux aux plus petits qu’aux plus grands, et même, à Bernard Tapie. Admiré dans le monde entier (non! le Père Noël!), ce n’est ni un super-héros ni un clodo. Il est simplement vêtu de rouge et se déplace attelé de rennes sur un traîneau. »
Après avoir approfondi le sujet, il apparaît que cette tradition du XXè siècle ne peut plus se dérouler dans des conditions satisfaisantes, compte tenu du nombre trop important d’individus humains contenus sur la Terre.
En effet, pour visiter les 91 millions de foyers terrestres en 31 heures et parcourir 112 millions de kilomètres, le traineau du Père Noël doit circuler à 962 km/s. Lors de ce voyage, il subit une accélération de 17 500g, qui le fait peser 1 957 420 kilos, ce qui risque selon toute probabilité de l’écraser sur son siège.

Nous avons donc intercepté cet humain juste avant qu’il ne soit TRANSFORME EN BOUILLIE (expression humaine amusante traduisant le broyage subi), autrement dit, en langage terrien, nous pouvons affirmer que nous lui avons sauvé la VIE ( il s’agit du phénomène biologique sur terre qui va de la naissance à la mort).
Le Père Noël nous a remerciés en nous fournissant plusieurs fioles contenant le liquide alccolisé à 45° qu’il avait précédemment ingéré. Il nous a affirmé qu’il s’agissait d’un CADEAU, c’est à dire, selon BBR307, d’un don d’objet ne nécessitant pas de retour de notre part.

Notre vaisseau spatio-temporel a malheureusement subi des chocs trop importants lors de cette collision, nous a empêchant de poursuivre notre mission. Nous avons cependant ramené sur Mars à la station scientifique RFG56 le PERE NOEL qui ne souhaitait plus vivre sur Terre sans la présence de ses « RENNES CHERIS » (nous citons l’humain).

FIN DE LA MISSION TERRESTRE n°405

Note : ce texte m’a été inspiré par un extrait de journal que j’ai reçu il y a quelques jours sur ma page Facebook 

Capturer100

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Corinne

Une expédition scientifique martienne (d’un ou deux martiens) a été envoyée sur terre pour deux jours avec la mission d’observer notre mode de vie. Par le plus parfait des hasards, la date choisie était les 24 et 25 décembre.

(Bien sûr, une équipe de chimistes martiens avait mis au point au préalable une solution injectable d’ylangylanhyperoxygénialoafleurdetiaréquiempourunfarfeluminescencedecitronnellafitzgerallumezlefeufollet d’ahzut !! !! liquette de jeannettebergersuperbeconcert qui conférait l’invisibilité et avait donc permis l’observation en toute liberté)

Au retour de l’expédition, le (ou les deux) martien(s) donne(nt) une conférence pour rendre compte de nos mœurs. 

Je vous propose de nous faire assister à cette conférence.

  • $gr👻/*_÷×$ !;*^😵_👹👺€💰&*&*&(*😖💳€¥ ?💸🔬#$@😨»$ :$^/^/🔕₩%=÷^$ :$🔋😎^^😲😲ifjr9o₩*&€^ ! $😭&fi😳😲94d=💊/ »  »£🔭÷×/÷ »#£😫92ls’🔌🎄-👽👾
  • Siouplaît, allumez la traduction simultanée, nos camarades explorateurs n’ont pas encore retrouvé toutes leurs facultés depuis leur retour d’Urantia- Gaïa… Il semblerait qu’un électrochoc leur ait déglingué le démodulateur communicatoire. Chers camarades, je vous laisse la parole.
  • $ooooory 👽👹👾, ex-ex’😨&¥( ?cuz—€nou😡😬😤 pour ce pettttttit &%🐣🐓🐔@+÷🐍🍳 cooontretemps🌎🌏🌍, lors de nonottttttrrrrre miss-ion, nous nous sommes faits « enguirlander » :  notre champ magnétique a subi quelque perturbation au contact de ce que les sujets hu-hu-humains nomment guirlandes électriques.

Pour l’observation, nous avons choisi un pays nommé France, voici donc le résultat de nos constatations scientifiques:

  • Les humains ne voient pas clair, ils mettent des petites lumières et des trucs qui brillent partout pour ne pas se cogner dans les murs ou les réverbères ;
  • Ils coupent les pieds de leurs congénères forestiers, les séparant de leurs famille et les affublent aussi de clignotants et de signalisations de toutes sortes, de peur également de se cogner dedans, c’est normal, ça pique. Certains arbres restent dehors mais la plupart des humains les installent dans leur maison pour un drôle de rituel consistant à déposer des boîtes colorées tout autour. Ces boîtes magiques provoquent tout un arsenal émotionnel lorsqu’ils les ouvrent: cela va de la jubilation à la déception en passant par l’étonnement, la surprise, l’indifférence… ;
  • A priori, toutes ces boîtes ont été échangées dans ce qu’il appellent des magasins contre des bouts de papier et de métal ou la présentation d’un petit rectangle de plastique bleu, ou commandé au moyen d’un autre rectangle très lumineux sur lequel ils tapent frénétiquement toute la journée.
  • Nous avons également constaté que partout il y a des poupées d’un vieil homme en manteau rouge et blanc avec un grand sourire, normal il a toujours plein de boîtes colorées autour de lui ;
  • Etrangement les humains passent leur temps à manger et à boire même quand il n’en ont pas besoin et cela semble les réjouir, peut-être préparent–ils intérieurement ce qu’il appellent le foie gras… ?
  • Ils aiment aussi se déguiser, les sujets femelles ressemblent quelquefois au sapin qu’elles ont décoré dans la maison ;
  • Il grignotent sans arrêt des paillotes, un calmant à base de sucre enveloppé dans un papier brillant qui fait du bruit, probablement pour les trouver rapidement encore à cause de leur mauvaise vue. Dedans il y a une petite notice qui leur dilate la rate avec parfois une petite lamelle qui pète pour relancer leur cœur défaillant…
  • Je crois que ce sont des pillottes cher confrère…
  • Ah oui, les paillottes elles font plus de bruit avec de plus gros pétards…
  • Papilles-hot ou papy-yote… ou pa-pis-yotte, je ne sais plus… Ces calmants existent aussi en grandes boîtes pour les plus stressés, ils appellent cela choc–holàlà rapport au choc violent lorsqu’ils se pèsent.
  • Voilà, chers amis, le constat de notre dernière visite sur la dénommée Terre. Cela nous laisse dubitatifs quant à entrer en contact avec la population de cette planète, pas sûr qu’il soient tout à fait prêts à nous rencontrer… à moins de nous glisser dans une boîte colorée sous l’arbre lumineux !

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