Dialogue improbable (juin 2015)

Sujet :

Je vous propose d’écrire un dialogue entre 2 sujets qui habituellement ne sont pas doués de parole, mais à qui exceptionnellement vous donnez aujourd’hui ce pouvoir : vos 2 sujets ne seront donc pas des humains, ils pourront être deux animaux, ou deux objets, ou un animal et un objet.

Petite contrainte supplémentaire : je vous demande que ces 2 sujets appartiennent à des univers qui ne se rencontrent habituellement pas : par ex un ours polaire et un perroquet, une brosse à dents et un cocotier, un éléphant et une carte bleue.

Le dialogue peut se situer au moment de leur rencontre ou non, libre à vous.

L’important est de s’amuser et de s’essayer à cette forme d’écriture plus rythmée qu’est le dialogue

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Jean :

X-Mais, qu’est-ce que tu fais là, toute barbouillée ?
Y-Je ne sais pas. Je virevoltais en tous sens avec mon humaine, comme d’habitude, quand j’ai été projetée dans un grand trou rose et tiède. J’ai dévalé un grand tunnel tout noir et je me suis retrouvée dans ce tas gluant qui ne sent pas très bon.
X-Ah ça tu peux le dire ! Ça pue par-là !
Y-Et toi comment est tu arrivé jusqu’ici ?
X-Oh ! La routine. La plupart du temps je ne bouge pas, allongé sur mes coussins bien moelleux. De temps en temps, on me déplie, je m’accroche derrière la perfo et j’avance le long de longs corridors biscornus. Je m’allume et je contemple des tas de trucs mous qui gigotent doucement.
Y-Mais comment tu as su que j’étais ici ?
X-Je n’ai rien su du tout. J’avançais, j’avançais comme d’habitude, quand j’ai buté sur un truc très très dur ? J’ai allumé et je t’ai vue. Ce que tu es belle. Je n’ai jamais rien vu de plus beau
Y-Flatteur, va ! Je suis toute sale…
X-Et puis tu brilles ! Incroyable ! Attends que je tourne autour de toi. C’est fou les étincelles que tu envoies !
Y-Dehors, bien nettoyée et au soleil, je serais quand même mieux !
X-Pas possible ! J’ai hâte de voir çà. Je vais essayer de te ramener. Oh hisse ! Oh hisse. Non, tu es trop lourde ; Il faudra que je revienne avec un collègue plus costaud.
Y-Oh ! Oui je t’en prie. Ici ce n’est pas supportable.
X-Mais qu’est ce qui s’est passé pour qu’on te jette là-dedans,
Y-Ben, tout allait bien comme je te disais. Puis il y a eu des éclats de voix. Ca criait ! Ca pleurait. On me tournait et retournait. J’ai compris quelque chose comme : tu ne m’aimes plus ! Je vais devenir folle ! Reprends ça ! Tu ne veux pas ? Non ? Eh bien voilà ce que j’en fais ! Et puis hop, le trou rose et la grande descente.
X-Moi aussi j’entends souvent des cris, des pleurs. Il paraît que chez les humains c’est fréquent. Et puis ça s’arrête. On entend plus que des murmures. J’interviens et quand je retourne sur mes coussins, c’est calme. Je retourne rarement chez le même humain, mais là, j’espère bien revenir te voir, te ramener et t’admirer au grand jour
Y-Tu es chou. Attend n’éteins pas trop vite. Avant de partir dis-moi comment tu t’appelles.
X-Moi c’est Caté et toi ?
Y-Moi c’est Carat. C’est marrant ! Nous deux ça fait CaCa Hi ! Hi ! Hi !
X-Tu peux le dire. On est en plein dedans. Bon c’est pas le tout, faut que j’y aille ! Tiens bon !
Y-Ne t’inquiètes pas ! Y a pas plus résistante que moi. Dans dix millions d’années je serais pareille.
X-Moi, ce n’est pas sûr. Avec le progrès il y a souvent des changements mais pour le moment ça va. J’ai beaucoup de travail. Allez ma belle Carat, je vais éteindre et faire signe à mon humain pour qu’il me retire. A bientôt !
Y-A bientôt mon sauveur ! J’espère que mon humaine à moi va tenir le coup ! La pauvre ! Je suis sûre qu’elle sera contente de me retrouver.

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Mimie :

– Baleine : Aïe, mais qu’est-ce-que c’est ce machin ? Mais c’est quoi ce truc qui m’a atterri dessus ? Baleine fait un tour sur elle-même pour faire tomber la chose de son dos.
– Baleine : Mais tu peux pas faire attention toi, tu ne sais donc pas nager ?
– Clé : Désolée, non je ne sais pas nager, on m’a jetée par-dessus-bord !!
– Baleine : Par-dessus-bord, mais par-dessus-bord de quoi ?
– Clé : Du bateau là-haut, et là d’ailleurs depuis que vous m’avez faite tomber de votre dos, je coule et j’ai le vertige, vous ne pouvez pas m’aider s’il vous plait ?
– Baleine : Bon écoute, je vais passer sous toi et tu en profiteras pour te poser sur mon nez, mais en douceur, pas comme tu viens de faire, car moi, tu ne m’as pas fait bien mal, mais si tu avais atterri sur une anémone de mer, tu l’aurais pulvérisée, il aurait en plus fallu faire un constat, quel bazar !!! Baleine plonge et remonte sous la clé pour lui permettre de se poser.
– Clé : Ouf, sauvée, merci, je vous dois la vie, je vous en serai éternellement reconnnaissante !!
– Baleine : Allez, ce n’est rien, j’ai juste agi par bestialité.
– Clé : Bestialité ? Humanité vous voulez dire, non ?
– Baleine : Non, j’ai bien dit « bestialité » : c’est-à-dire ce qui constitue le caractère des bêtes, de nous les animaux en fait.
– Clé : Je ne comprends pas …
– Baleine : Ecoute, c’est pourtant simple, la bestialité c’est l’entraide, le partage des ressources et des territoires, la vie au sein de la nature en harmonie avec notre milieu et les autres animaux. Alors que l’humanité c’est tout le contraire : c’est chacun pour soi, c’est vouloir tout, tout de suite et encore plus, être dans l’envie, l’insastisfaction, la jalousie, j’en passe et des meilleures
– Clé : Oui de ce point de vue je comprends.
– Baleine : Bon, mais on parle on parle et je ne te connais même pas, qui es-tu ?
– Clé : Hé bien je suis une clé de boîte à musique !
– Baleine : Je ne connais pas cette espèce, tu es un mammifère ou pas ?
– Clé : Non, je ne suis pas un animal, je suis un objet !
– Baleine : Un objet, mais qu’est-ce-que c’est ?
– Clé : C’est quelque chose qui n’éprouve rien, qui n’évolue pas et qui ne peut pas se mouvoir seul.
– Baleine : Une vraie vie de galère, ma pauvre !!
– Clé : Oui et non car j’ai tout de même des pouvoirs !!
– Baleine : Ah oui, et lesquels ?
– Clé : Hé bien quand on m’insére dans la serrure de la boîte à musique et qu’on m’actionne, une musique s’élève de la boîte et une fillette en porcelaine se met à danser
– Baleine : Ca alors, mais qu’est-ce-que-c’est que la musique ?
– Clé : C’est un ensemble de sons mélodieux, mais vous en faites de la musique lorsque vous communiquez entre baleines, je vous ai déjà entendues lors d’un reportage, j’avais trouvé cela magique
– Baleine : Donc la musique, c’est pareil que la communication ?
– Clé : Non, la musique marque plus une volonté de partage de ressenti, c’est un cadeau que l’on fait aux autres, la musique n’a pas vocation à être utile, c’est une manière de laisser vibrer une émotion pour que les autres puissent l’entendre autrement que par des mots.
– Baleine : C’est étrange tes explications, et tu parlais d’une fillette qui dansait, c’est quoi la danse ?
– Clé : La danse, c’est un peu comme la musique, c’est laisser le champ libre à son corps pour qu’il exprime ce qu’il ressent.
– Baleine : Je ne comprends pas vraiment
– Clé : Là encore, vous dansez, vous les baleines, lorsque vous évoluez dans l’eau sans avoir la volonté de vous déplacer, en laissant l’eau glisser sur vos flans, c’est très harmonieux, c’est ce que vous avez fait quand vous vous êtes débarrassée de moi tout à l’heure, ce n’était effectivement pas dans un but esthétique, mais c’était un mouvement très fluide, très rond, très féminin.
– Baleine : Finalement vous, sur terre, vous mettez plein de mots sur des choses naturelles !!!
– Clé : Parfois oui !!
– Baleine (rêveuse) : Moi j’aime nager dans les courants sans réfléchir, pour le plaisir de la glisse, plonger dans des eaux plus fraîches si j’ai un peu chaud, m’amuser à faire claquer ma queue pour envoyer de grandes brassées d’eau …
– Clé : Oui ?
– Baleine : C’est ce que j’essaie d’apprendre à mon baleineau : apprécier l’endroit où il vit, se lover dans l’eau comme si c’était une couette bien douce, sentir ces petites chatouilles sur le corps que l’ on peut moduler suivant la vitesse à laquelle on se déplace, déguster la caresse sensuelle de l’eau sur ses flancs … Allez, je m’égare, et toi, qu’est-ce-qui te rend heureuse
– Clé : Moi je me sens heureuse d’être utile : quand la petite fille à qui appartient la boîte à musique la fait fonctionner, je me sens importante, utile, nécessaire et cela justifie mon existence.
– Baleine : Mais peux-tu faire fonctionner toute seule la boîte à musique ?
– Clé : Malheureusement non, mais parfois vous savez, le plaisir est dans l’attente : quand elle rentre de l’école, je me dis : va-t-elle jouer avec la boîte, ou bien aura-t-elle trop de leçons ? Je vois que vous, vous avez plaisir à agir, à décider, moi j’ai plaisir à être un objet, je suis dans un genre de rapport de soumission à cette petite fille, ma maîtresse, mais c’est un peu la dynamique du maître et de l’esclave, sans moi, la petite fille ne peut pas se servir de la boîte, donc qui a le plus besoin de l’autre, qui est dépendant ?
– Baleine : Oui, c’est bien compliqué tout cela. Tu es bien installé là ?
– Clé : Oui, c’est génial
– Baleine : Mais tu m’as dit tout à l’heure que les objets ne ressentaient rien, or tu me parles de tes émotions, tu avais même le vertige tout à l’heure, alors je ne comprends pas !!
– Clé : Eh bien j’ai l’impression que tout corps solide plongé dans un liquide reçoit une poussée d’intelligence qui lui donne vie !
– Baleine : Super, mais alors si tu sors de l’eau, tu vas redevenir un pauvre objet inerte et sans pensées ?
– Clé : Je le crains !
– Baleine : Alors écoute, tu te plais là avec moi ?
– Clé : Ouiiiiii !!!
– Baleine : Alors si tu veux, tu peux rester vivre ici, je connais un mérou un peu stressé parce qu’il a failli être pêché, si tu veux, je vous présente et tu pourras maintenir fermée la porte de son trou et quand il ouvrira sa porte, tu le verras évoluer, c’est très gracieux un mérou, cela te rappellera ta petite danseuse !!
– Clé : Oh ce serait génial, vous êtes super, vous, vous vivez heureuse et vous semez le bonheur autour de vous !!!
– Baleine : C’est juste que je suis un animal et pas un humain !! Allez, accroche-toi, on va plonger pour aller voir le mérou !!!

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Andrée + Mimie :

– Marteau : Mais qu’est-ce que c’est que cette goutte d’eau sur l’établi ?
– Eau : C’est moi, je suis juste une goutte d’eau, n’aie pas peur, je ne te veux pas de mal !!
– Marteau, en s’esclaffant : Tu voudrais que j’aie peur de toi, laisse-moi rire : si je veux, je t’éclate, je te nébulise, je te fais disparaître de la surface de la terre !!!
– Eau : Mais pourquoi tu me dis tout ça, pourquoi es-tu si méchant, je ne t’ai rien fait, moi !!
– Marteau : Pas encore, mais si je ne me méfie pas et que tu te poses sur moi avec ton air innocent, au bout de quelques heures, je vais avoir de la rouille, et nous les outils en fer, la rouille, c’est notre pire ennemie !!
– Eau : Je connais la rouille, mais je n’ai jamais entendu dire qu’elle était votre ennemie. J’ai une copine sur le vieux port à Marseille qui me disait que parfois on en met dans l’eau de cuisson de la bouillabaisse et que c’est même rudement bon !!
– Marteau : Mais qu’est-ce que tu m’embrouilles là avec ta bouillabaisse, je te parle de la rouille qui ronge le fer !!
– Eau : Ah que je suis sotte, avec la fête de la musique ce week-end je pensais à la rouille de la chanson de Maxime Leforestier quand il chante « la rouille aurait un charme fou si elle ne s’attaquait qu’aux grilles » !!!
– Marteau : Oui, Mademoiselle, c’est de celle-là que je parle !!
– Eau : Hé bien, il suffit que le fer soit peint ou sinon qu’il soit bien graissé pour que ça ne risque rien. D’ailleurs normalement un bon ouvrier ne laisse pas traîner ses outils ; quand il a fini de travailler, il les nettoie, les graisse si besoin et les range.
– Marteau : Oui sauf que moi j’ai à faire à un bon à rien ; dès qu’un copain passe, ils boivent un coup, puis un autre, et pas de l’eau minérale, j’te prie d’ croire !!! Et moi pendant ce temps-là, j’attends, à la merci de la moindre goutte d’eau.
– Eau : D’accord, j’ai compris !!! C’est pour ça que tu m’as mal parlé tout à l’heure, c’est parce que tu avais peur !!!
– Marteau : Ben oui, c’est la peur de la rouille qui m’a fait t’agresser !!
– Eau : Tu vois, quand on prend le temps de poser des mots sur ses émotions, il n’y a plus de raison d’agresser ou de se sentir agressé !!! Je comprends, ne t’inquiète pas. Si tu acceptes que je me pose sur toi pour faire connaissance, je m’installerai sur ton manche en bois peint, comme ça tu ne craindras rien.
– Marteau : OK
– Eau, au bout d’un moment : On est bien comme ça tu ne trouves pas ?
– Marteau : Oui, en plus c’est amusant, tu fais loupe !!
– Eau : L’eau a plein de pouvoirs, en fait, outre le don de prendre immédiatement la forme de son contenant, ce qui est une propriété vraiment marrante ! Tu me menaçais tout à l’heure de me nébuliser, mais tu sais, même nébulisée, je suis toujours de l’eau, certes en vapeur d’eau, mais toujours de l’eau !! En fait j’ai l’air fragile comme ça, mais je suis hyper-forte !!!
– Marteau : Quoi, une petite goutte d’eau toute mignonne comme toi ?
– Eau : Oui : une goutte + une goutte + une goutte, c’est un ru, un ruisseau, une rivière, un fleuve, une mer, l’océan !!!
– Marteau : Ouah !!! On dirait pas, en te voyant !!
– Eau : Toutes les gouttes d’eau réunies, nous pouvons désaltérer tout un troupeau de chameaux avant la traversée du désert, nous pouvons faire croître les récoltes, refleurir la savane après la saison sèche !!
– Marteau : Toi, tu peux faire tout ça ?
– Eau : Avec mes copines, oui, et tu sais, je ne suis pas compressible non plus !!
– Marteau : Ca veut dire quoi ?
– Eau : Eh bien on ne peut pas m’écraser et me faire perdre du volume. Si tu t’énerves et que tu te jettes sur mon dos, je m’aplatirai, je giclerai, éventuellement je m’enfoncerai dans ce sur quoi je suis posée si c’est spongieux comme par exemple du buvard, mais je serai toujours là, juste sous une autre forme.
– Marteau : Finalement tu es un peu comme moi : si je reçois un bloc d’une tonne, ma partie en fer s’aplatira et deviendra une crêpe et mon manche en bois se cassera, mais il y aura toujours et du fer et du bois. Un petit passage à la forge, un nouveau manche et je pourrai de nouveau discuter avec toi !!
– Eau : Oui, tu as raison, on a des points communs finalement, on est quasi indestructible !!!
– Marteau, pensif : On s’entend bien finalement tous les deux !!!
– Eau, songeuse : Oui, tu sais, je songeais à quelque chose, on doit être de la même famille, car dans « marteau », il y a « eau »
– Marteau : Super, viens là que je t’embrasse, ma petite cousine généalogique !! Dis-moi, tu étais où avant d’arriver ici vers moi ?
– Eau : J’étais dans le ciel, dans un superbe cumulonimbus, cotonneux et d’un blanc immaculé !! Et toi ?
– Marteau : Moi avant d’être marteau, j’étais un chêne magnifique de la forêt de Brocéliande et un morceau de culasse d’avion abandonné dans le désert !!
– Eau : Et moi, tu sais quoi, encore encore avant, j’étais dans un corps humain, d’une fille même, Andrée elle s’appelait, car tu sais que dans le corps humain il y a 65% d’eau ?
– Marteau : Ca alors, moi aussi un bout de ma tête était aussi dans un corps humain, hé oui, 0,005 % du poids corporel de l’homme est fait de fer ; c’est marrant, moi aussi c’était une fille, elle s’appelait Mimie !!!
– Dieu le père : Les amis, maintenant que vous vous entendez bien, je vais vous faire une petite confidence, Andrée et Mimie se connaissaient !!!
– Eau : Mais elles sont mortes, puisqu’on n’est plus dans leurs corps et que vous parlez à l’imparfait ?
– Dieu le père : Non, pas du tout, un jour Andrée a versé une larme de joie, c’était toi, petite goutte d’eau, et parallèlement un jour Mimie a perdu un peu de son fer sanguin, c’était un bout de toi, cher marteau !!
– Marteau et Eau tombant dans les bras l’un de l’autre : Alors nos deux mamies sont vivantes et elles sont copines, que la vie est bien faite !!!

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Gisèle

Il y a lunettes et lunette.
Une paire de lunettes solaires « Ray- Ban » (de son petit nom, Ray), placée dans la pochette de chemise de Monsieur X, tombe malencontreusement dans la lunette des WC « Idéal-Standard » (de son petit nom Lunette), lorsqu’il actionne la chasse d’eau.
Ray Ban:
Waouh! C’te bouffon! Me faire tomber dans les chiottes! Bonjour la baignade pourrie et bonjour l’odeur !
Lunette des WC :
Dites donc ! Veuillez être un peu plus poli et aimable, je vous prie. Je suis très propre : ma maîtresse me nettoie quotidiennement et je suis certaine d’être mieux désinfectée que vous-même, souvent manipulé par des doigts maculés.
Ray :
Ouais ! Trop grave ! Ce dingue, pour ses maousses Ray Ban, va bien finir par se mettre la pression et me repêcher fissa.
Dis donc, plutôt glauque ton environnement ! Sûr que t’es jamais sortie de ta tanière, toi ! Tu passes ta vie dans les chiottes et tu les vois tous à loilpé. T’as pas la vue un peu bornée, là ?
Lunette :
Oh ! Pour cela, je n’hésite pas à vous rassurer, ma vie est très variée et je n’ai pas le temps de déprimer. J’en vois et j’en reçois de toutes les couleurs….
Inutile de regarder le ciel : c’est la pleine lune tous les jours avec œil de bronze immuable. J’admire, également, l’incarnat de foisonnantes vallées de roses abreuvées de jets copieux. Pour changer, je peux avoir des lances d’arrosage conséquentes (un peu flapies tout de même…), agrémentées de clochettes muettes.
Mais aussi, et c’est tellement attendrissant, de mignons petits abricots ou des trompettes miniatures !
Sans compter la musique qui les accompagne, parfois discordante et peu variée, je l’admets.
Tout ce petit monde défile à qui mieux, mieux, et chante, lit, joue sur sa tablette ou médite : je suis aux anges !
Ray :
Franchement, trop grave mais c’est Zarbi !
T’en as pas marre de reluquer l’origine du monde et la face cachée de la lune ? Et j’te parle pas des sons de trompette bouchée et des relents de fosse à purin. C’est ouf !
Moi, mon mec, ses Ray Ban sur le nez, se la joue Men in Black, et, à la plage, moi aussi, je peux voir, se mirant dans mes mirettes, des meufs canons à oilpé ou presque. Et que ça se tapote la crinière pour la faire bouffer et que ça se prend des mines de minettes effarouchée. Je peux pécho une meuf grave !
Lunette : (moralisante)
Je crois que votre maître, seul, conte fleurettes : vous ne lui servez que d’accessoire ! Vous vivez, cher ami, par procuration, des aventures que vous ne pourrez jamais mener à terme. Ne vous sentez-vous pas un peu frustré ? Sans compter la possibilité de rester oublié au fond d’un tiroir ou pire, comme aujourd’hui, au fond de ma cuvette …..
Ma condition est modeste, certes, mais je la vis dans l’intimité sans fard de ceux qui me partagent et cela suffit à mon bonheur.
Ray Ban boude. Lunette en prend son parti. Un coup de chasse intempestif expédie Ray Ban en enfer. Lunette ne peut plus rien pour lui.
Moralité : « c’est sui qui dit et sui qui dit pas, qui y sont… »

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lucie

« -Et ben dis donc, j’ai bien cru que tu ne viendrais jamais !!!
-M’en parle pas !! alors que je pensais venir très vite, je me suis retrouvé coincé dans un espèce de monticule de toutes choses inutiles, et puis de choses utiles aussi, mais tout mélangé !
-A chaque fois c’est pareil, je t’attends, sans savoir si tu viens ou pas. Et puis te voilà, sorti d’on ne sait où.
-Comment ça d’on ne sait où ? Tu rigoles ? Crois tu que ma situation est facile, j’aimerais t’y voir toi, cheminant dans ce labyrinthe. Mais oui, tu ne sais pas d’où je viens, tout est plus facile pour toi, en tout cas plus vaste .
-C’est vrai, mais tu sais , j’en ai assez moi aussi. Jamais je n’aperçois un rayon de soleil!Ou alors quand le voilà, vite on me plie et on m’enfouit dans cette espèce de capote géante ! En plus trempé. Parfois, on me laisse sécher dans un coin mais je ne sais jamais si on va m’oublier ! Quel stress !!
-C’est vrai que je suis à l’abri et du coup parfois je t’oublie. Mais comprends moi, parmi toutes ces idées, ces choses à régler, cogiter, choisir, oser. Je tourne en rond moi la dedans, et le reste qui ne m’écoute pas toujours, je fais pas toujours ce que je veux !
-Tu exagère, c’est toi qui est aux commandes quand même !
-Oui, certes, mais parfois certaines choses m’échappent.
-En attendant, si tu pouvais ordonner à ton membre supérieur droit de me prendre, je serais ravi, car j’ai bien peur que tu parte sans moi. Et je vais encore croupir dans ce corridor jusqu’à ce qu’un autre me prenne.
-désolé, mais je vais devoir d’abord prendre mes jambes à mon coup et filer avant que je rate mon rendez-vous. Je te retrouverais plus tard. De toute façon le temps est au beau fixe et personne ne viendra te ramasser .
-Et bien bon vent l’ami. Je te connais et je sais qu’il est plus simple de racheter un autre que moi plutôt que de venir me chercher. Mais que veux tu, c’est là la triste vie d’un parapluie !

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Anne-Marie :

Crêche : tiens ! tu t’intéresses à moi ? Tu es bien belle pour te retrouver comme ça, toute nue, blottie entre mes 4 planches si grossières

Alliance : oui, je me demande ce que je fais là, dans cette sacristie et sous le lavabo en plus. J’ai froid

Crêche : Oh , ne te plains pas. Pour Jésus non plus,,  il n’y avait pas d’ écrin

Alliance :oui mais lui, c’était prédit qu’il allait se retrouver là et puis  il  avait droit à de la paille quand même !

Crêche : oui, et bien figure toi que la paille, ’ils l’ont laissée :  elle est là dans ce petit sac.  Il y a même une grosse bougie.  Qu’est-ce que tu veux de plus ?

Alliance : et bien, Jésus lui, il avait le souffle d’un couple autour de lui et en particulier celui de Marie. Comme moi, quand j’ai ma vraie place, au doigt de celle à laquelle j’ai été donnée au moment du mariage : 37° !  Tu te rends compte de la différence?

Crêche : Ecoute, il y a un temps pour tout. Maintenant les 12 grandes nuits sont passées. Avec l’Epiphanie, celles qui viennent seront  moins longues et donc les jours moins froids. Tu tiendras le coup comme tout le monde !

Alliance :moi, je suis faite pour être tenue au creux d’une main  que veux-tu !

Crêche : Et moi, je suis faite pour tenir celui qui m’est confié et lui offrir un creux d’un bout à l’autre de la vie.  Justement comme je t’en offre un aujourd’hui.

Alliance : mais moi, je ne suis pas faite pour rester là, toute une année dans un coin sombre  sans rien faire. ! Je suis faite pour briller, pour répondre au moindre mouvement de celle pour laquelle je signifie quelque chose. Et puis aussi je suis faite  pour être vue de tout le monde, pour dire sans cesse et à tous que celle à laquelle j’ai été donnée, et bien, elle est aimée….

Crêche: Alors, tu te prends pour un vrai arc en ciel ?

Alliance:  Oh c’est bon. Et bien tiens : toi,  j’ai l’impression que tu pourrais bien te prendre pour l’arche de Noé !

Crêche: Tu ne crois pas si bien dire : Un jour, on m’a mis un couvercle et j’ai servi à mettre en scène l’histoire du déluge, des animaux, de la colombe et du rameau d’olivier

Alliance: ça t’a fait quel effet de voir arriver  tout ce monde ?

Crêche :Oh moi, on dirait pas, parce que je ne suis pas bien belle, mais en fait, je suis habituée à voir arriver plein de monde, et plein de monde auquel on ne s’attend pas …Je ne m’en fais pas parce qu’un jour aussi j’ai dû faire la mangeoire pour les chameaux d’Abraham. Et j’ai entendu que celles et ceux qui allaient débarquer, ils seraient aussi nombreux que les étoiles du ciel

Alliance : A quoi tu as encore servi avec tes 6 clous. Au fait comment fais-tu pour être encore entière, après tant de jeux et de représentations ?

Crèche : En général, on prend soin de moi. Je suis comme le coffre de Moïse. Je l’ai d’ailleurs été aussi, un jour Tiens regarde.  Il y a là les 2 écriteaux

Alliance.  2 comme les 2 anneaux de ceux qui s’aiment

Crèche;  Maintenant qu’on a fait tout un parcours biblique ensemble, tiens toi sur tes gardes. C’est l’Avent, on va très certainement me chercher et si tu brilles bien dans ton coin sombre, ta patronne te retrouvera et elle pourra raconter la parabole à tous ses amis

—————————————————————————————————–

Corinne

– Pop’ssss… chchchchchchchch…

– UUUUUHEEENNNNNNNNNNNN…

– Y’a quelqu’un… ?

– Heu oui, moi

– Qui ça ?

– Moââââ (voix grave et caverneuse). Lève la tête et tu me verras .

– Mais tu es géant !

– Je suis ce que je suis.

– Et qu’est-ce que tu es au juste ?

– Un mammouth

– Une moumoute ?

– Tu dis ça à cause de mes longs poils…….

– …

– Je suis un mammouth laineux, ça tient chaud d’où je viens.

Et sous la fourrure y’a au bas mot je dirais 5 tonnes, allez 5 et demie (je me suis

un peu lâché cet hiver…) alors écrase minus avec tes blagues pourries.

Et toi t’es qui microbe ?

– Je m’appelle bouchon, bouchon de liège

– Ahh, tu es belge ?

– (Tout fier) Je suis un bouchon de liège de bouteille de Champagne

– Oh, mille excuses, tu es noble alors… avec toutes ces particules !

– Je suis bien fait de particules, c’est ma môman qui me les a léguées

– Et elle est où ta mère ?

– Elle vit dans une forêt avec sa famille, c’est un chêne, un chêne liège…

– (taquin) En Belgique ?

– Noooon, en Espagne ! Mais qu’est-ce que t’as avec la Belgique ?

– Et tu n’es plus attaché à elle ?

– Non, les humains l’exploitent pour son écorce et des rejetons comme moi elle en a

plein. Mais je sais qu’elle est très fière de ce que je suis car jusqu’à maintenant je

vivais acoquiné à une sémillante et pétillante demoiselle, c’est pas rien !

– Je crois que tu te la pètes un peu là non… ?

– Bon et toi, raconte…

– Je viens du fond des âges, j’ai 250 000 ans

– Wahhhh, mazette …

– Ca te la coupe, hein… ?

– Ça me la coupe de Champagne… ou coupe de cheveux à toi de voir…

– (Rires)

– Je sens qu’on va bien s’entendre tous les deux…

Moi aussi les humains en veulent à ma toison et pas que d’ailleurs… à mes

bifteaks aussi !

– Mais tu es grand, fort et puissant…

– Oh non, quand ils s’y mettent à plusieurs avec leurs torches maintenant qu’ils

maîtrisent le feu, c’est plus comme avant…

– …

– Mais au fait, qu’est-ce qu’on fait là ?

– On discute le bout de gras

– Parle pour toi, moi je suis allégé, heu… alliègé, heu non… aliéné… J’sais plus, je

ne suis plus rien sans ma bouteille…

– C’est ptêt l’occasion d’en prendre…

– De quoi… ?

– De la bouteille !

– Pas drôle… Ça ne me dit pas ce qu’on fait là

– Je crois qu’on est dans une sorte de bulle

– Juste toi et moi ?

– Ouais, juste nous deux, pour voir ce que ça fait…

– C’est téléscopique, enfin y’a tout qui se télescope… j’en perds mon patin, heu mon

latin… C’est depuis que tu as prononcé le mot bulle, ça me rappelle…

– …Ta bouteille ! Je sais… (soupir)

– Bubulle……. on était si bien ensemble, tous les deux au frais dans un seau à

glaçons et puis j’ai fait le grand saut… elle m’a jeté et mainteant je ne suis plus

qu’un petit sot… snif

– Sèche tes larmes (de toute façon tu es imperméable…) et viens te planter au bout

de ma défense, on va aller se balader. On est dans une bulle imaginaire après

tout et on peut faire ce qu’on veut.

Ça me fait plaisir d’avoir de la compagnie… tu as l’air d’en avoir vu des choses et

bavard comme tu es je sens que je ne vais pas m’ennuyer.

Allez petiot… ! Saute avant que je ne change d’avis…

– Merci vieux. Ploppp !

– M’appelle pas vieux, je suis âgé et respectable

– Ok… Moumouth alors… ?

– Je vais y réfléchir…

– Dis tu me prêteras ta petite laine, j’ai un peu froid…

– On verra …

– … … …

– … …

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Johanna

Mme Théière et Mr Croissant se rencontrent chaque matin au café des Halles. Pour éviter de tomber dans une monotonie des discours, ils ont décidé de se parler chaque semaine dans une langue différente. Ecoutons les …

Mr croissant sort du four, prend place aux côtés de Madame Théière qui a pris le temps de balayer du regard la terrasse du café :

Mr Croissant :  » Hello la miss, je suis tout ouïe !  »

Me Théière :  » J’ai repéré un couple de blacks s’installant à la table N°1 ; un gars de la cinquantaine, un bizeness-man à la table 2 ; Une femme enceinte à la 3 ; Des ados en Air-max occupent la table n°4 et une mamie avec ses petits enfants à la 5 !  »

C :  » ok, je parie sur la 4  »

T :  » Tu blagues ? C’est pas le genre à prendre « a cup of tea ! « . Les conversations high-teck, c’est pas pour moi, i-phone et compagnie … je vote pour la 3 !  »

C :  » Belle caricature des ados ! Ton bizeness man c’est un mec speed qui tourne au café et à la clope !  »

T :  » En terme de préjugé, tu fais pas mieux ! C’est un japonais qui doit certainement mieux s’y connaitre en matière de thé que toi !  »

C :  » peut être … je pourrais bien parier pour toutes les tables, manger un croissant c’est l’emblême du petit dejeuner français,  je suis gagnant dans l’affaire !  »

T :  » tu te trompes mon cher, les gens aujourd’hui se font coacher pour atteindre une meilleur hygiène de vie ! Sans gras, sans sucre et sans sel ! Tous au Thé vert, très bon anticancer !  »

C :  » ok t’emballe pas ! Ils ont quel look à la une ?  »

T :  » Plutôt sport, lui l’allure d’un joueur de basketball, elle coureuse de trails …  »

C :  » Laisse tomber ! Eux ils commandent à coup sûr boisson energisante et céréales !  »

A ce moment là, on entend le barman qui indique la table n°3 pour notre plateau.

T :  » bon on a tout faux darling ! Thé lipton yellow et croissant au nutella pour Madame !  »

C :  » Beurk ! On va encore me badigeonner de cette huile de palme ! Je suis assez beurré comme ça ! Elle pense pas à sa ligne celle-là !  »

T :  »  Elle peut se laisser aller à quelques gourmandises tout de même dans son état !  »

C :  » Qu’est ce qu’elle écrit ?  »

T :  » la liste de naissance : babycook, babyphones, cosy, body …  »

C :  » Et baby-sitter ? J’aurais préféré des conversations plus rock and roll !  »

T :  » du type chant et danse actuels : rap, slam, hip hop …  »

C :  » Je ne te savais pas dans le moove à ce point !  »

T  :  » eh ! à côté de nous, la mamie avec ses petits enfants se fait appeler  » Granny  » !

C :  » mémée, grand-mère c’est passé de mode … Aïe, elle m’a mordu ! Je crois que notre petit jeu va cesser, à demain baby ! »

T :  » A demain pour le brunch en verlan  !!! Bye bye !! « 

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