Dans le désert (avril 2015)

Sujet :

Vous êtes seul(e) dans le désert, perdu(e), sans eau, sans nourriture, vous errez et au détour
d’une dune, vous apercevez quelqu’un au loin, vous l’observez pendant quelques minutes
tout en lui faisant de grands signes auxquels il ne répond pas, vous vous apercevez alors que la personne vient dans votre direction et peu à peu vous la distinguez mieux ; quand elle est à cinquante mètres de vous, vous remarquez que c’est un homme (pour Jean et Franck), une femme (pour nous les filles), comme vous ; quand elle n’est plus qu’à vingt mètres, vous découvrez qu’il (qu’elle) vous ressemble comme deux gouttes d’eau, qu’il (elle) porte de plus les mêmes habits que vous, la même coiffure etc.

Je vous propose de décrire votre rencontre avec ce personnage, sous la forme de votre choix
(dialogue, récit, à la 1ère ou à la 3ème personne ….) et d’inclure dans le texte que vous composerez les mots suivants :

Canne à pêche, joint de culasse, gant Mapa, carte senior, cèpe de Bordeaux

éplucher, raccommoder, voter, déminer

trahison, alexandrin, révolution

turquoise, voluptueux

que nenni !!

Attention, pas d’panique : vous n’êtes pas obligés d’écrire un texte qui forme un tout avec un début et une fin, ni de peaufiner un texte plausible et rationnel (j’ai pris, j’avoue, un petit plaisir presque sadique à chercher les mots à glisser dans le texte !). Les 2 points importants sont que vous employiez tous les mots de la liste et que vous preniez du plaisir à cet exercice !!!!!

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Jean :

J’étais peinard ce matin-là dans l’oasis de Sékouémoi. Le soleil montait, montait à l’horizon. Coiffé de mon beau bob blanc, vêtu d’une chemise et d’un pantalon blanc, chaussé de mes inséparables crocs noirs, bien pratiques pour évacuer le sable fin du désert, je décidais de contourner la grande dune qui bordait l’oasis. En débouchant sur l’immensité du désert vide de toute végétation, mon ombre croisa une autre ombre. Je relevais la tête et je le vis : il était grand, il était beau, il sentait bon le sable chaud, mais il n’était manifestement pas légionnaire.
Il parut aussi sidéré que moi. Après un temps qui ne me parut ni long ni court, je dis ces mots invraisemblables : « Salut ! » « Salut ! » dit-il en même temps. Nous sourîmes de cette simultanéité qui préside toujours aux grandes rencontres. La sueur perlait sur ses tempes et sur les miennes aussi. « Le soleil monte vite ce matin ! » « Oui, comme tous les matins ! ». Nous rigolâmes de concert de cette entrée en matière peu banale. « Vous allez où ? » « Là où mes pas me porteront ». « Et moi de même ». Curieusement nos pas nous portaient dans la même direction, celle qui mène à tout et n’importe quoi.
La conversation prit brutalement un tour plus profond : « Si nous allons par hasard au même endroit, avons-nous le même destin ? » « C’est probable dit le calcul des probabilités » La profondeur de cette réplique me mit en émoi. J’avais rencontré le plus grand penseur de toute mon existence. Il fallait en profiter. « Croyez-vous que deux êtres humains peuvent avoir exactement la même vie et le même destin ? » « La probabilité est faible mais elle n’est pas nulle » « Personnellement je ne crois pas au destin, je ne crois à rien et je me méfie des croyances comme de la peste » « Vous n’avez pas tort mais lorsqu’une probabilité n’est pas nulle on ne peut rien exclure » « Comment savoir ? » « Faisons confiance au destin de l’humanité qui est d’apprendre encore et toujours. Un jour peut-être cette inconnue sera levée » « Oui, mais en attendant comment supporter le fait de ne pas savoir ? » « C’est LA grande question depuis l’aube de l’humanité : comment supporter de ne pas savoir ? Ne pas savoir d’où l’on vient ? Où l’on va ? Et après la mort ? Et patati et patata ! » « Ces questions vous taraudent-t-elles ? » «Je me les suis fait poser, par les curés, les philosophes, les enseignants, les littérateurs de tous poils » « Et ? » « Et ils m’ont transmis des réponses auxquelles ils voulaient que je crusse » « Et vous y avez cru ? » « Oui, à fond la caisse » « Moi aussi j’y ai cru, l’eusses-tu cru ! » « Mais d’autres m’ont enseigné le doute, alors je me suis posé des questions, des questions sur les réponses aux grandes questions » « Oui j’ai fait de même, mais quand je me suis adressé à ceux qui donnaient des réponses, ils m’ont dit qu’il ne fallait pas se poser ces questions, qu’il fallait croire sans comprendre, qu’essayer de comprendre le mystère du sacré était une insulte au Grand Créateur » « Moi on m’a dit que dans le doute il fallait faire le pari de la croyance car c’était plus prudent et plus consolant » « Et même libérateur. Crois et tu seras sauvé, nom de Dieu ! » « Et alors ? » « Alors je me suis sauvé, sauvé tout seul ! » « Et depuis je parie que vous vous sentez mieux ? » « Oh oui ! Bien mieux ! Les grandes questions ne m’importunent plus. J’attends qu’on leur trouve des réponses que l’on puisse comprendre » « Moi aussi et je trouve cela très amusant. Je cherche, je discute avec ceux qui cherchent. Nous trouvons des bouts de réponse. Ça avance à petits pas. » « Oui, même que je me fiche un peu du résultat, c’est le chemin qui est intéressant. J’espère qu’il y aura toujours à comprendre. Sinon quel ennui ce serait de tout savoir ! »
Chemin faisant, plongés dans nos pensées, nous nous aperçûmes soudain que nous marchions à coté de traces dans le sable. Pourtant en relevant la tête nous ne vîmes personne. Nous suivîmes donc ces traces qui, fort heureusement, nous ramenaient vers l’oasis.
J’avais très chaud lorsque l’oasis apparut derrière la dune et je bus goulument à ma gourde. Cela me fit le plus grand bien. Mais la gourde vidée je constatais que mon compagnon avait disparu.
Le soir je racontais cette rencontre auprès du feu allumé devant notre tente. « Ah ! On doit le connaitre, il y a peu de bédouins dans cette oasis. Comment était-il ? » « Il était grand, il était beau, il sentait bon le sable chaud ! » « Oui, mais encore ! Comment était-il habillé ? » « Il portait une chemise et un pantalon blanc » « Et son chapeau ? » « C’était pas un chapeau, mais un beau bob blanc ! ».

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Mimie :

Je ne comprends pas ce qui m’arrive : je ne retrouve plus mon guide , je m’explique : je fais une marche dans le désert et j’ai pris pour cela un guide, j’ai eu une envie pressante il y a cinq minutes, je l’ai laissé prendre un peu de distance et me suis accroupie derrière un bout de rocher, et là, je viens de me relever, mon rouleau de papier encore à la main, plus personne !!!! Mais c’est dingue, ça, et en plus il est parti avec toutes mes affaires sur le chameau, non mais je rêve, j’appelle, je hurle, hou hou, Anzar !!!!, rien, juste le bruit du vent qui ébouriffe le sable et semble effilocher le sommet de la petite dune qui se tient devant moi. Je n’arrive pas à y croire, non, ce n’est pas possible, il est parti chercher de l’eau à une oasis pas très loin qu’ il devait connaître et il va revenir. Prenant sur moi pour garder mon sang-froid et ne pas pleurer comme une petite fille abandonnée par sa maman, je décide d’attendre, sereine, bon, sereine, il ne faut tout de même pas exagérer, en fait je suis furieuse, inquiète, stressée et je ne tiens pas en place. Bon puisqu’il y a une dune, je décide de la gravir, il est toujours bon de prendre de la hauteur (hi hi), j’ai déjà escaladé la dune du Pyla, je devrais m’en sortir.

Je grimpe, je grimpe, bon sang, ces dunes, quand on monte de cinquante centimères, on redescend de vingt, j’ai chaud, j’ai soif, ce coup-ci ça y est, je pleure, pourquoi le cacher ? Au bout d’une bonne demi-heure, j’atteins le sommet, oui bon c’est magnifique, un panorama de 360 °, mais dans ce panorama, que nenni, pas de trace de mon guide !!! Je donne de grands coups de pied dans le sable, mais à part me faire mal, cela ne change rien à ma situation. Je m’assois, essaie de réfléchir calmement. Bon OK, il est parti, mais ce désert n’est peut-être pas si désert que cela, (oui l’humour vient souvent à mon secours dans les moments de grand désarroi), mes pensées vont à cent à l’heure, c’est la révolution dans ma tête, le temps passe, il fait de plus en plus chaud, l’horizon devient flou sous la chaleur, et puis tout d’un coup, je vois quelque chose tout là-bas, comme une saleté sur un objectif, je regarde plus attentivement, cela devient peu à peu à peine plus gros qu’un petit pois, oh, mais ça bouge, qu’est-ce-que c’est, un animal, un homme, le début d’une caravane ? Je me lève, scrute, oui, c’est cela, on dirait bien un homme, ou une femme, bien sûr, car à cette distance, je ne distingue rien. Je fais de grands signes des deux bras, je hurle, hou, hou, eh oh, pas de réaction, mais la silhouette vient dans ma direction, j’enlève ma chemise turquoise et l’agite au dessus de ma tête, toujours pas de réaction, bon, le soleil me brûle la peau, et puis j’ai l’air de quoi moi en sous-tif sur ma dune à secouer mon bout de chiffon, je me rhabille, de toute façon la personne que je distingue un peu mieux maintenant continue de s’approcher. Tiens, c’est une femme, comme moi, oh mais c’est drôle, elle semble porter un vêtement turquoise en haut, comme moi, elle continue d’avancer, elle s’approche de plus en plus, je la distingue bien maintenant, mais enfin, je rêve, elle me ressemble en tout point, avec juste quelques kilos en moins, ah, ça, ça ne me lâchera jamais !!!

– Bonjour Mimie
– Mais vous me connaissez ???, lui demandé-je interloquée
– Bien sûr que je te connais, je suis même venue pour toi
– Pour moi ??? Mais pourquoi
– Pourquoi pour toi, mais parce que tu le vaux bien !!!!!, dit-elle en éclatant de rire

Je ris à mon tour, mais je n’y comprends rien, rien du tout, j’en perds mon latin, mon cher latin !!!

– Mais vous me ressemblez comme deux gouttes d’eau, ce n’est pas possible
– Ca c’est sûr que deux gouttes d’eau dans le désert, ce n’est pas possible, ça s’évapore tout de suite !!!
– Non, mais sérieusement, je n’y comprends rien
– Et moi alors, réplique-t-elle, moi non plus je n’y comprends rien, tu t’achètes la semaine dernière une carte senior et au lieu de te retrouver dans un train, ce qui aurait été logique, je te trouve perchée sur une dune en plein désert, c’est moi qui devrais te poser des questions !!!!
– Mais enfin ….
– Oui, je sais, tu adores Gaston Lagaffe
– Mais expliquez-moi, on dirait que vous êtes ma jumelle, et vous connaissez plein de choses sur moi !!!
– Dis donc, Mimie, il fait chaud, tu ne veux pas qu’on redescende cette dune et qu’on se cherche une petite oasis, ou alors un hôtel avec clim ? Tu votes pour quoi, dis voir ?
– Je vote pour l’oasis !!!
– Ah, enfin, te voilà raisonnable, suis-moi
Et sans savoir qui elle est, sans avoir plus d’explication, je la suis, confiante, aveuglément, illogiquement confiante, comme si je ne venais pas, quelques heures avant, d’être victime de la pire des trahisons !!!

Nous redescendons en trois secondes la dune que j’ai mis une heure à gravir, puis je la suis, sans poser de questions, sans qu’elle me parle, un temps qui me semble immensément long ; et puis de la même façon que je l’ai vue apparaître à l’horizon, je découvre un point sombre au loin qui s’avère peu à peu être vert, puis ensuite cela se précise, c’est le sommet d’un arbre, oh, mais il y en a plusieurs, ce sont des palmiers, oui, elle ne s’est pas trompée, c’est bel et bien un oasis. C’est drôle : autant quand j’étais avec mon guide, je passais mon temps à repenser à ce film qui doit s’appeler « Un taxi pour Tobrouk » où l’on voit un acteur, Maurice Biraud ou Charles Aznavour, qui passe le premier pour déminer le terrain, autant là je suis (et je la suis) en pleine confiance. Environ cent mètres avant l’oasis, triste signe de la civilisation, nous trouvons une vieille carcasse de voiture qui a pété son joint de culasse, comme disent les mecs. Puis, enfin, nous arrivons.

– Suis-moi, Mimie, me dit-elle.

Moi, je suis au nirvana, il fait frais sous les arbres, il y a un point d’eau qui forme une petite piscine naturelle ; sans plus de manière, elle se déshabille et entre voluptueusement dans l’eau, je la suis. Seigneur que cela fait du bien, j’ai l’impression de me laver de tout le stress du matin. Elle ferme les yeux, moi aussi. Quand je vais pour lui poser toutes les questions qui fourmillent dans ma tête, elle me dit :

– Regarde, il y a une vieille canne à pêche contre le premier palmier
– Ouah, il y a des poissons tu crois ? Il nous faudrait des vers !!!
– Des vers dans le désert, pourquoi pas des alexandrins, pendant que tu y es, et elle m’éclabousse avec tendresse

S’ensuit une bataille d’eau digne de deux gamines, puis hilares, épuisées, nous sortons et allons nous étendre sur le sable, au passage elle arrache une branche de dattes, en prend une qu’elle épluche

– Tu épluches les dates, toi ?
– Mais non, Mimie, je l’ouvre en deux pour vérifier qu’il n’y a pas de vers dedans, tu ne savais pas qu’il faut toujours faire ça avant ?
– Ben non. Bon, écoute, je voudrais bien que tu m’expliques, je n’y comprends rien, qui es-tu, que fais-tu toute seule en plein désert, et surtout pourquoi me ressembles-tu de la sorte ?
– Ouh là là, cela fait beaucoup de questions tout cela !! A ton avis ?
– Mon avis, c’est que je n’y comprends rien !!!
– Réfléchis un peu, Mimie
– Ben j’ai pas plus de pensées qu’une paire de gants Mapa qui s’égouttent après une vaisselle !!
– Toi, alors, Mimie, il faut toujours que tu brodes !!!
– Je préfère broder que raccomoder !!!
– Bon, écoute-moi attentivement : lorsque tu t’es retrouvée toute seule perdue sans ton guide, n’as-tu pas appelé à l’aide par tous les pores de ta peau
– Oui, certes
– Et bien, Mimie, j’ai répondu à ta demande, je suis ton ange gardien et mon rôle est de t’épauler et te mener à bon port quand tu es en difficulté
– C’est vrai ?
– Oui aussi vrai que tu aimes le chocolat noir et que tu détestes les cèpes de Bordeaux !!
– Mais, c’est vrai alors, ça existe les anges gardiens ?

Je me relevai pour l’embrasser, la remercier, la prendre dans mes bras, mais elle n’était plus allongée à côté de moi, elle avait disparu ; je regardai autour de moi, de nous devrais-je dire, rien j’étais de nouveau seule, quand soudain j’entendis du bruit, au loin une caravane s’approchait de l’oasis !!!

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Andrée

Sommeil, brouillard, cauchemar, courage, mirage Hello !, Psitt !…..

toi, moi,,
miroir, carte senior, lunettes boucles, petite, brune, yeux bleus

elle,
émonder, éplucher ,couper, ciseler, coudre , trouer, ravauder, raccommoder

elle,
mélasse, filasse ,joint de culasse, pétasse, grognasse

elle ou moi
, trahison, piège à con, mirliton, tonton, tontaine tonton, fripon polisson

moi,
Implosion, explosion, trahison, révolution

elle et moi,
déminer, s’exprimer, pactiser
voter, péter, caca, gant mapa

nous
bateau, mer , turquoise, filet de pêche, canne à pêche,

elle,
cuisiner, Cèpes de bordeaux, miam-miam !, beurk, beurk !,
fichtre bigre, diantre, zut , ah que nenni !!!!

moi,
poésie, sonnet quatrain, Alexandrin
doucereux, délicieux, venimeux, voluptueux

elle ,
moi,
elle et moi,
elle ou moi,
nous,

réveil, atterrir ,temps ensoleillé,
Température 18°,
Réalité, vivre,
Ici, maintenant
Ouf, gloups !!!!

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Franck

Floup !

Longtemps que je n’avais pas mis les pieds sur cette terre.
Errer parmi les dunes, sur le sable.
Apercevoir quelqu’un, lui faire signe.
Le voir s’approcher, espérer l’apprivoiser.
Etrange ! Habillé comme moi !
Ce visage !?! Mais c’est moi !
N’étais‐je pas reparti après ma rencontre avec l’aviateur ?
Pourtant, la morsure du serpent…
Une comptine me trotta dans la tête
Et juste devant lui
Un gant Mappa turquoise
Courait sur le sable
Il l’attrapa par le pouce
Il me le montra
Je lui dis :
« Trempez‐le dans le sable
Epluchez‐le, écalez‐le
Ça fera un escabeau tout haut ! »
Ce qu’il fit !
Et il monta à l’escabeau, monta, monta…
Et je vis le sol s’éloigner, s’éloigner…
La terre ressemblait à un « O » de là‐haut
Je plongeai dans l’ « O », plongeai, plongeai…
Et me réveillai la tête dans le sable
Sur la plage avant de mon bateau
Son antique moteur pétaradant
Au fragile joint de culasse.
Je me rappelai cette lutte éreintante
Dans la peau d’un vieil homme
Avec ce cèpe de Bordeaux géant
Moult fois ma canne à pêche plia
Mais que nenni ne se brisa
Rempli de fierté, je sombrais d’épuisement
Dans le sable du néant.
Plouf !
Une sirène de l’onde hurla
Et plongea dans le miroir luisant.
La réalité me happa de son gant
Me rasséréna de son chant.
L’herbe poussait tranquillement
Sur la vache voluptueuse
Vagabondant dans la voie lactée
Mon bateau dans son sillage.
Ouf !
Me voilà rassuré !
Je me mis à raccommoder
Les filets à déminer
Pour ramasser les alexandrins
Laissés par la dernière révolution
Votée par les jeunes cartes.
Sous le regard du lapin blanc
Estimant qu’il s’agissait d’une trahison
Les cartes séniors rétablirent l’ordre.
Qu’importe ! Seules les cartes du ciel me guident.

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Gisèle

« Depuis ce matin, dans la chaleur vibrante, je gravis et je descends dune sur dune. Le soir approche : dans le ciel turquoise, le soleil achève sa révolution.

Deux jours déjà que notre Land Rover a cassé son joint de culasse et que je cherche en vain du secours. Où sont les autres ? La piste est pourtant fréquentée : on voit partout des jerricans vides et la région a été déminée récemment suite aux combats qui ont eu lieu entre l’armée régulière malienne et les rebelles d’AQMI. Ma dernière gourde est vide et la faim me tord l’estomac. Etrange ! Je vois apparaître à l’horizon, une gigantesque poêle grésillante garnie d’une omelette où se devinent de jeunes cèpes de Bordeaux si tendres qu’ils n’ont pas besoin d’être épluchés. La salive me viendrait à la bouche s’il m’en restait : que nenni !

Le mirage, hélas ! se dissipe lentement ne laissant derrière lui qu’un voluptueux fumet

Je me traîne maintenant à quatre pattes et je vois confusément une silhouette familière apparaître.

Tiens ! Elle a des cheveux gris : elle doit avoir sa carte senior, elle aussi. Trahison ! Elle porte
également le même jean troué et raccommodé que moi ! Dans une brume de fatigue, au fur et à mesure qu’elle avance, je m’aperçois qu’elle me ressemble trait pour trait, depuis les lunettes de vue chevauchant un nez fort, en passant par les épaules tombantes, les cuisses larges et le tee shirt échancré. Je regarde ses mains, aussi abimées que les miennes : les gants Mapa ne sont pas faits pour nous deux. Cela me rappelle la dernière fois que j’ai voté (c’était quand déjà ? Mon cerveau tourne dans le vide) l’adjointe municipale chargée du scrutin exposait aux regards des mains noueuses et arthritiques.

Mon esprit s’égare : serait-ce une hallucination ? Je revois mon petit frère, tout fier, revenant du ruisseau, tenant sa canne à pêche au bout de laquelle tressaute une toute petite truite. ’avais célébré son exploit sous forme d’alexandrins moqueurs et il m’en avait gardé rancune pendant longtemps.

Adieu petit frère ! Ma fin est proche.

Mon double, mon semblable vient me chercher. La voici qui se penche sur moi et s’agenouille : je lis dans ses yeux une compassion attendrie. Elle murmure des mots de réconfort qui apaisent. Ses bras m’enveloppent, je suis bien, je ferme les yeux et nous disparaissons toutes deux, derrière l’horizon

Trois semaines plus tard, des touaregs signalent aux autorités, la découverte d’un Land Rover
abandonné ainsi que d’un cadavre de femme à quelques kilomètres.

Note de l’auteur : je ne sais pas si les mirages olfactifs existent mais pourquoi pas ???

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Lucie

PPPPfffff!!!!!!!!!!!! Enfin, me revoilà, j’ai cru que jamais j’aurais pu l’écrire ce texte !!!
Figurez-vous que depuis quelques semaines j’étais partie dans le désert pour voir des dromadaires.
Et voilà que quand je rentre, je trouve le mail de Mimie me demandant d’écrire un texte avec les mots « canne à pêche, joint de culasse, gant Mappa, carte senior, cèpe de Bordeaux, éplucher, raccommoder, voter, déminer, trahison, alexandrin, révolution, turquoise, voluptueux, que nenni ! ». Non mais elle va y chercher où tout ça Mimie ?

Bon ben moi, je rentre et je dois vous raconter mon histoire, placer tous ces mots. Mais d’abord il faut que je vous raconte : lors de mon échappée, je me suis trouvée seule au milieu du désert ( ce qui est en soi pas extraordinaire car on y croise pas grand monde!). Je n’avais plus d’eau car j’ai voulu tenter l’expérience des chameaux : plusieurs jours sans boire et tant qu’à faire sans manger !!!

Et au détour d’une dune ( fastoche aussi , il n’y a que ça dans le désert ! ) j’aperçois quelqu’un au loin. Vous ne devinerez jamais qui j’ai cru voir !! Bref, c’est une femme qui s’approche, je l’interpelle, (pensez-vous, on croise pas souvent du monde dans le désert !!!) Elle ne répond pas mais continue d’approcher. Quand elle est assez près pour que je la voie, je crois voir un mirage : elle me ressemble et elle est fringuée comme moi !!!

Bon, j’essaie de reprendre mes esprits, il y a deux solutions:ou j’hallucine à cause du manque d’eau et de nourriture, ou on se fiche de ma figure, ou je rêve ( bon ok, ça fait trois solutions!).
Alors j’essaie de m’approcher et lui parler et là , c’est elle qui me parle et vous devinerez pas ce qu’elle me dit ( ben non, du coup je vais vous le dire !! ) : « J’ai voulu raccommoder mes gants marpa mais ta trahison m’a obligée à sortir ma carte senior »

Comme vous, je ne voyais pas de quoi elle parlait. Je l’observe alors un moment, comme moi, ses cheveux étaient voluptueux ( j’avais bien évidemment emporté mon shampoing à sec car pas question de me laisser aller, même dans le désert!!), sa tunique turquoise, assortie à sa canne à pêche était exactement la même que la mienne. On aurait dit la même personne que j’avais croisée la dernière fois que j’ai déminé les cèpes de Bordeaux. Je lui réponds gentiment que je ne saisis pas bien ses propos et elle me rappelle que lors de la dernière révolution, nous avons voté pour que chaque personne ayant perdu son joint de culasse montre sa carte senior. Et je me souviens alors de ma dernière panne de voiture où mon joint de culasse m’a lâché. Mais quel rapport ?, je ne suis pas cette femme, d’accord, je vous l’accorde elle me ressemblait beaucoup mais ce n’était pas moi.

J’essaie donc de lui expliquer qu’elle doit se tromper de personne, et là, je ne contrôle plus les mots qui sortent de ma bouche, je lui sors des alexandrins : « éplucher des oignons, n’est pas une trahison »

Ne croyez pas que je nage en plein délire, tout cela est bien réel et si vous pensez que je suis folle à lier au Vinatier, que nenni, vous vous trompez !!!! C’est bien vous qui me lisez qui êtes les plus félés !!

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Anne-Marie

 

A  Tiens, c’est toi ? quelle aubaine ! je commençais à désespérer. C’est  impressionnant  le désert !

B Moi, je savais que j’allais te rencontrer  et je trouve que c’est bien !  Parce que, tu vois là-bas , on ne dirait pas, mais il y a de la vie et il y a aussi la voiture de ton père.

A Ah formidable parce qu’avec  son âge, Papa  est devenu un danger public  sur la route. Si l’occasion  se donnait d’avoir à faire avec quelqu’un qui aurait un besoin urgent de voiture, ne serait-ce que pour un temps, il y aurait peut-être de quoi boire un verre d’eau et de quoi trouver  au moins un début de solution à mon problème. Papa aurait l’impression de faire une BA.  Je n’aurais pas besoin de me fâcher et de faire la révolution  pour lui retirer les clefs …

B Alors si un scénario du type « prêt de voiture » pouvait se faire aujourd’hui, tu serais contente ?

A Ben oui, alors ! Il faut absolument que cette voiture disparaisse de devant ses yeux.

B  On  pourrait peut-être présenter à ton père un plat dont il raffole pour préparer le terrain .

A Alors ce serait des cèpes du Plantaurel ou de Bordeaux ,

B  Tiens, regarde, nous approchons.

 

Comme par enchantement, nous sommes entourées de gamins sortant de je ne sais où qui chacun, avaient une autre idée pour nous faire ouvrir notre porte-monnaie. Nous leur  expliquons  qu’il y a peut-être quelque chose à trouver dans  la voiture de Papa qui effectivement  se trouve là, pas loin, au bord de la route. Les  enfants ne sont pas étonnés du tout, car ils ont déjà adopté notre père qui est aussi là. . Ils l’ont déjà invité chez eux au village et nous aussi sommes invitées à venir boire le thé.

B Comment trouves-tu ton père ? Se doute-t-il de quelque chose ? A-t-il l’air inquiet ou gêné ?

A  Que nenni !, il est , comme par hasard, tout détendu, n’hésitant pas à déclamer des alexandrins pour dire son plaisir d’être là,  bien au centre,  et d’être écouté

B Et en plus une charmante petite fille  lui apporte une fleur du désert…bleue turquoise avec un parfum voluptueux. Il est aux anges et  semble prêt à tout accepter !

A Catastrophe ! un jeune homme lui propose de venir voir son atelier de cuisine

B comment va-t-il réagir ? Il est pourtant bien là….. Oh ne t’en fais pas !

A ça alors : il y va et il se met tant bien que mal à éplucher les oranges  avec les autres.  Et les autres, ce ne sont même pas des jeunes femmes !

B Regarde, heureusement pour lui, il y en a une qui arrive. Elle l’entraîne ailleurs

A où donc ?

B dans un coin – couture

A Et voilà notre homme aux alexandrins qui se prend au jeu et qui semble  vouloir aussi se mettre à raccommoder des toiles de tente comme s’il n’avait attendu que ça

B Oh ne t’emballe pas si vite. Il y a déjà de quoi se distraire de la couture. Voilà un pêcheur. Il a deux cannes à pêche et il lui en présente une. Lui aussi voudrait de la compagnie

A J’ai du mal à imaginer que papa va prendre du plaisir à cette activité  où il faut savoir se tenir bien immobile et silencieux

B Mais le pêcheur lui tend aussi des gants Mapa pour trier le poisson..

A Alors il aura quand même l’occasion de dire un mot ! ça c’est bon!

B A force de faire ainsi le tour des ateliers, tout le village est mis à contribution. D’ailleurs cela tombe bien parce qu’on semble avoir besoin de tout le monde d’abord pour l’opération  qui consiste à déminer le terrain et puis aussi pour voter les grandes décisions qui sont à prendre

A Les synodes, Papa adore. Mais penses-tu qu’une solution au sujet de la voiture pourra  se trouver ?

B J’en suis sûre. Ici tout le monde aurait besoin d’une voiture ! Regarde justement ce jeune a l’air d’avoir du souci : la voiture qui doit l’amener en ville tout à l’heure s’avère être en panne : le joint de culasse!

Et voilà que ton père s’intéresse au problème : le tour semble joué !

Effectivement Papa propose lui-même à ce jeune de lui prêter sa voiture avec laquelle il était jusque là inséparable. Il n’a aucunement l’impression d’une trahison et quand le jeune homme s’ébranle, j’aborde avec lui la question de la carte sénior. Merci B

——————————————————————————————————

Corinne

A bout de force je rampe avec difficulté sur le sable brûlant d’une dune en plein désert marocain avec l’espoir de rencontrer de l’aide rapidement. Je suis complètement déshydraté, mes vêtements sont en lambeaux, même ma grand-mère reine du ravaudage ne saurait comment les raccommoder. Maudite révolution qui m’a obligée à fuir mon riad pourtant si tranquille. Voter pour ce groupe extrémiste… Le peuple est devenu fou, inconscient du piège dans lequel il vient de s’enfermer. Quelle trahison ! J’ai beaucoup oeuvré pour la paix dans cette région et voilà que je suis chassé comme un malpropre. J’aurais dû avoir des doutes déjà quand ils sont venus contrôler ma petite entreprise de meubles orientaux, éplucher tous les comptes jusqu’à exiger un justificatif pour l’achat de ces gants Mapa que j’utilise quand je passe du vernis ! Matériel français, alors forcément subversif…

Me voilà enfin en haut de cette dune, j’ai cru ne jamais y arriver. Je défais péniblement de ma tête le chèche turquoise noué à la hâte afin de me protéger de la morsure ardente du soleil et je m’essuie la figure rougie par la chaleur. Ma vue, brouillée par la sueur brûlante et salée, me joue des tours: je distingue une forme humaine qui marche dans ma direction. J’esquisse un geste mais j’ai peine à lever le bras épuisé par ma course folle dans le désert. C’est étrange, cette silhouette m’est familière, ses vêtements, sa démarche, l’assurance qu’elle dégage ne me sont pas inconnus. On dirait… on dirait moi !!

J’allucine, sûrement un mirage issu de l’atmosphère énigmatique émanant de ce désert que j’aime tant… Pendant que la silhouette au déhanchement chaloupé se rapproche tranquillement me revient en mémoire une autre silouhette à qui disait- on je ressemblais en tout point : Mon pépé Clovis. Pendant quelques instants, oubliant où je me trouve, je goûte à nouveau à ces moments délicieux où, enfant, je le voyais arriver à la maison canne à pêche à la main bien décidé à m’enlever pour la journée direction les bords de la Garonne. Complices, la veille il me chargeait de déminer le terrain avec ma mère peu encline à nos sorties entre hommes. Elle était jalouse de notre bonne entente et surtout encore très en colère depuis le récent départ de mon père entiché d’une créature aux formes voluptueuses du nom poétique de Sandrine Alexandrin. Après d’âpres négociations scellées par un gros câlin et l’assurance que moi je ne la quitterais jamais,  elle lâchait enfin de son vocabulaire ce mot horrible pêché dans je ne sais quel roman à l’eau de rose dont elle raffolait et qu’elle nous sortait à tout bout de champ : Que nenni! se rendant compte de son amour étouffant envers moi. Et à la faveur du oui maternel assorti du petit discours habituel l’accompagnant 《Mon poussin, tu peux y aller… mais soit prudent, je n’ai plus que toi et te savoir avec papy Carte Senior n’est pas pour me rassurer surtout depuis qu’il a pété le joint de culasse de la 4L et fini sa course dans le lac!》nous partions enfin tous deux chantonnant à la perspective de la journée poissonneuse qui nous attendait. Ahhh, mon pépé… « papy Carte Senior » ce surnom lui collait depuis le repas de son départ en retraite…

La tante Berthe avait cru judicieux de lui offrir comme cadeau cette carte de réduction pensant qu’enfin libéré de ses obligations de travail il allait venir la voir plus souvent à Paris. Je me souviens encore de la tête de mon grand – père découvrant le paquet de billets de train 1ère classe et de sa réflexion laissant la tante Berthe -si fière de son cadeau- bouche ouverte mortifiée sur sa chaise: 《je ne peux même pas m’en servir de PQ, trop rêche ça va me raboter le c.., j’ai les fesses encore délicates à 60 balais!》 Amusé et songeur, je suis extrait de la nostalgie de mes souvenirs par l’ombre de la silhouette plantée devant moi. Sans un mot elle m’aide à me relever et, toujours en silence, m’indique d’un geste du doigt une sorte de portail. Elle me prend par la main, nous traversons la masse floue et lumineuse.

《Papy!》Il m’attend de nouveau, comme autrefois, sourire accueillant aux lèvres, canne à pêche en main.

《Dis papy, après la pêche on va manger ta fameuse omelette aux cèpes de Bordeaux, hein dis…》

Emporté par le parfum enivrant de mon enfance, je lâche la main rassurante qui m’accompagne et avance sereinement vers mon destin.

————————————————————————————————————-

Johanna

 

Aux portes du désert,

sous le ciel turquoise,

mission payée cher,

déminer l’ardoise,

 

Quand j’aperçus au loin,

une silhouette,

levant haut ses deux poings,

criant à tue tête :

 

« Voter révolution !

Stop à la trahison !

Les jambes atrophiées,

Faut les raccommoder !“

 

Je plains ces victimes,

toutes anonymes,

ils sont dans le pétrin

devenons leur parrain !

 

Leur offrir des cadeaux,

ciblés selon l’âge,

Des cèpes de Bordeaux,

des bons de voyages,

 

des cannes à pêches,

des grands cerfs-volants,

des tickets restaurants,

des tours en câlèche !

 

Cartes séniors aussi

entrées de cinema

solides gants mapa

plus de démocratie !

 

Oui je rêve pour eux

décors voluptueux

lendemains prometteurs

où cesseraient les peurs »

 

Passons donc à l’action

Eplucher ce sable

de mines à la con !

J’ai fini la chanson !

 

(pas tout à fait)

Ce joint de culasse

c’est une pouasse !

Les Alexandrins oui

il me reste donc que nenni !           FIN

 

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