Consigne : C’est la photo ci-après : le film commence comme ça. Au début, plan fixe sur la route vide, on entend un moteur au loin. Le bruit augmente et soudain cette voiture entre dans le champ (de la caméra).
Qu’est-ce qui se passe ? Qu’est-ce qui s’est passé ? Où va cette voiture ? Quelle est l’histoire ? Qui est cette personne au volant ?
C’est le début de l’histoire…
« Non mais attends, je rêve, c’est quoi cette bagnole ? J’avais demandé une Aston Martin, merde !! J’veux bien qu’on fasse un film à petit budget, mais y’a des limites. Et Tonio avec sa bedaine et sa démarche de cow-boy, tu me l’as trouvé dans une pochette-surprise, celui-là ; avec toute la kyrielle d’acteurs qui cherchent du boulot, t’étais pas foutu d’en trouver un plus class’ !! J’te rappelle qu’il fait James Bond, tout de même.
Pareil, j’ai rien dit pour la cantine, mais tu diras à Mado qu’elle arrête de faire de la bouffe à l’ail et que Tonio n’s’empiffre pas comme un porc avant de tourner, la Brigitte, t’as vu la tête qu’elle fait dans les scènes de baiser, elle doit tomber sous le charme et trahir son pays, j’te rappelle. Faut quand même que ça ait l’air crédible tout ça !!
D’ailleurs Brigitte, j’en parle pas. Déjà qu’avec le retard qu’on a pris avec la météo, on est obligé de biaiser dans les scènes de nu puisque Madame est tombée enceinte une fois engagée et que ça commence à se voir, j’dis rien parce que c’est une copine au financeur, mais quand même. En plus elle nous fait le coup des nausées et tout l’tintoin, j’en peux plus moi d’son cinéma, j’sais bien qu’on tourne un film, mais quand même !!
Bon, on en était où là ? C’est quoi tous ces mômes ? J’ai accepté de dépanner Blanche en lui permettant d’amener ses sept mouflets sur le tournage, vu qu’les instit sont en grève et qu’elle a trouvé personne pour s’en occuper, mais c’est pas une raison pour que tout le monde en fasse autant, d’accord ?
L’perchiste, pardon, le perchman oui je sais, je suis de la vieille école, ça va ? T’as trouvé de quoi t’occuper ? Oui, Monsieur veut changer d’boulot parce qu’il s’est fait une tendinite soit disant parce qu’on avait bossé plus de 3 heures d’affilée un dimanche, non mais c’est quoi cette bande de bras cassés, là ? C’est plus James Bond dans les Rocheuses, c’est James Bond chez les Branquignolles !!
Allez tout le monde, on y retourne, et j’veux pas 50 000 assistants pour les scènes de baise et juste le minimum syndical quand c’est habillé, des mouches autour d’un pot de miel ceux-là, on dirait qu’ils ont jamais rien vu, ou jamais rien fait, va savoir !!
Allez, silence, on tourne !!
Quoi non ? La script a perdu son script !! Mais elle a qu’à se l’attacher autour du cou, ou alors s’le faire tatouer, je sais pas, moi. Bon, ça y est, elle l’a récupéré, ça va, c’est raccord ? On va y aller, attention !
Allez, silence, on tourne !!
Quoi encore, j’veux plus qu’on m’dérange, j’avais dit. Ah, c’est toi ma puce, qu’est-ce-que tu veux, ma p’tite chérie ? Des idées pour ta dissert sur une super-héroïne, mais j’en sais rien, moi, j’suis pas scénariste, j’suis réalisateur, va voir ta mère !!
Allez, silence, on tourne !!! »
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